Susana swore before the law and the Church that she would be with Victor for life. Their relationship felt so perfect that they never thought their marriage would end. After more than ten years together full of adventures, a lot of love and challenging moments that they successfully overcame, Susana discovered an infidelity that changed her life in an instant.
The shock was so strong that he felt as if everything he knew was falling apart. His life, his routine and his future plans were put on hold while he tried to understand what had happened.
These types of breakups, unexpected and abrupt, have a unique emotional impact that requires time and tools to heal. We will talk about this below.
When a relationship ends, pain is, in many cases, inevitable, but the emotional impact can vary depending on the way it occurs. Let’s take an example: when a marriage shows signs of wear and tear or continuous conflicts, the breakup, although painful, can be much easier to assimilate because there was already a level of emotional preparation. In fact, it is common for some people to experience part of their grief within the relationship.
On the other hand, when the separation occurs unexpectedly, the blow is different. Just like Susana’s story, there are many marriages that break up abruptly, and this often feels as if a veil was suddenly torn from one’s eyes, which leaves the person with a feeling of bewilderment and very difficult to process.
This type of “shock” usually leaves one party with a mix of complex emotions: disorientation, sadness, anger, and a deep sense of emptiness. This happens because marriage not only represents the couple, but also a shared identitya life project and a network of expectations that are suddenly broken, so it is natural to feel that way.
When you live in a situation like this, uncertainty leads you to question everything: from who you are to what your life will be like from now on.
In Susana’s case, the lack of prior signs and loving words from her partner and the dream life she believed she had made the infidelity even more difficult to accept. The contradiction between what she believed and what happened left her with unanswered questions. For many people, that contradiction is one of the most painful parts of these types of breakups.
What is the grieving process like in this type of breakup?
Grieving an unexpected breakup is often distinguished from other losses. Although all separations involve a healing process, when they are not seen coming, the emotions are often more intense and, at times, can seem uncontrollable.
At first, the impact can be quite overwhelming. It is common to feel a strong shock and denial, as if your mind was trying to protect you by not accepting what happened, so it is quite common that in this initial stage you feel paralyzed, not knowing what to do or how to react. Since there is no specific amount of time, this state of bewilderment can last from a few days to several weeks.
Over time, after denial comes a stage that anyone could describe as a kind of emotional roller coaster. When it comes, emotions constantly change: one moment you feel deeply sad and the next you feel angry or resentful.
Nostalgia, and sometimes even relief, can also arise, and although this back and forth can be quite exhausting, we must accept that it is a natural (and even necessary) part of the process. The important thing is to give yourself permission to feel each emotion as it appears, without judging or pressuring you to make it disappear from one moment to the next.
One of the biggest difficulties in this type of duel is the questions that remain unanswered. Since you were not prepared at all, it is very likely that you will spend time trying to understand what happened or why it happened, looking for explanations that may never come. These doubts can generate a lot of anxiety, but learning to accept that not everything has a clear answer is super key to being more at peace.
And, remember this! Don’t force yourself to “heal” soon. Little by little, as time passes, the pain will also decrease.
How to recover after the end of your marriage?
Recovering from an unexpected breakup can be quite painful and take time, but it can be done. But, be careful! Although there is no manual, we will show you some steps that can help you heal and move forward.
1. Feel everything and don’t judge yourself so much
It’s completely normal to want to avoid pain, but trying to block out what you feel will only make everything last longer. If you need to cry, do it. If you are angry, let it out. If you are afraid, acknowledge it. Now is a time to be kind to yourself and understand that you don’t have to feel good right away.
2. You have people who love you, lean on them!
Talking to friends or family you trust can be a great relief, because they can give you another perspective, comfort you, or simply listen without judgment. And if you feel like everything is overwhelming you, seeking support from a therapist can also help a lot.
After a breakup, it’s easy to be tempted to forget about what you need, but hey, this is exactly the time to get back to you. Give yourself time to reconnect with yourself: take care of your body, sleep well, eat something that makes you feel good, and do things you enjoy. Even though they may seem like small details, they have a huge effect on how you feel emotionally.
4. Open a space to rediscover what you love
A relationship can take up a lot of your time and energy, so now is a good time to get back to those projects, hobbies, or dreams that you had put on hold. Not only will it keep your mind busy, but it will also help you remember who you are outside of marriage.
5. Accept that the closure is not always perfect
Sometimes we wait for answers or apologies that never come, and yes, that can be very frustrating. But getting hooked on what you can’t control only leaves you trapped in the past, which is why we suggest that, instead of looking for a perfect closure, you focus on creating your own ending, one where you are the most important thing.
6. Identify what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship
Even if the pain feels too strong now, this experience can help you know yourself better, understand what you need, and discover your limits. Thinking about what you learned from the relationship and the breakup will give you tools to have healthier relationships in the future.
I’m Emily Williams Jones, a psychologist specializing in mental health with a focus on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness. With a Ph.D. in psychology, my career has spanned research, clinical practice and private counseling. I’m dedicated to helping individuals overcome anxiety, depression and trauma by offering a personalized, evidence-based approach that combines the latest research with compassionate care.
