How to Predict Divorce?

For years, a team of researchers observed a large number of couples in relationships to reach various conclusions about the viability of these unions…

Many couples therapists offer help to improve communication, coexistence, sexuality, relationship with family, etc. We give guidelines that improve day-to-day life with the aim of improving the quality of the relationship and preventing the need to make a painful decision for everyone.

For years a team of researchers observed a large number of couples interacting to reach various conclusions. As time passed, they also collected data on the situation in which the participants found themselves: Were they still together or had they divorced? The results were published in the book titled Seven golden rules for living as a couple (Gottman, JM and Silver, N.).

Are there signs that indicate a divorce?

It is interesting to read the guidelines it proposes to help us improve the functionality of our relationship but there are countless publications that offer solutions of this style. What catches my attention about this book is the chapter titled: How to predict divorce. As I have already said, this is not a clairvoyant trying to predict the future but a group of scientists who claim to know, based on the results of their studies and perhaps boasting, whether a couple will end up divorcing or not. The sign is in the attempts to make amends and bad memories. And what does that consist of?

1. Attempts to redress

The attempts at relief They are those strategies that we use to reduce emotional tension in a discussion situation. When the tone of a dispute escalates, the escalation can be stopped with a funny comment or gesture, asking for forgiveness, changing the subject, or warning that the tone has escalated too much. There are many maneuvers that can function as attempts to make amends. These may or may not have an effect. The effectiveness of the attempts depends largely on the good health of the relationship. In addition to the importance they may have as signs, I consider that attempts to make amends are a good exercise to avoid escalations of violence, situations in which we behave in ways that we may later regret, with the consequent damage to the relationship. the person who shares it with us. It is better to practice stopping on time a little than to fix the damage.

2. Bad memories

The bad memories They refer to the vision that each person has of the past of their relationship. The first meeting, the wedding night, etc. They can be remembered with joy, happiness, nostalgia or, on the contrary, with resentment, anger, sadness, etc. When memories are colored by this last type of emotions we have a signal that can predict a future divorce.

As Gottman explains in his book these indicators They are not therapy but a sign that something is not right, that the path our relationship is taking may end up at a crossroads. Taking into account these two types of signals, among others, we can realize the state of health of our relationship and look for a solution, not only to prevent a future separation but to begin to feel more satisfied the sooner the better.