I Don’t Know Whether to Leave My Boyfriend or Give Him Another Chance.

What to do when you have doubts about whether to continue with your partner? How many opportunities should I give him? How do I know what I really feel?

The three types of love

Before we can respond to the title of this article, I feel like we need to differentiate between the “stages” or types of love. Each one of them has its characteristics and in each one of them we can expect one thing or another. Walter Riso spoke of 3 types of love: the love of Eros, Philia and Agape.

• Eros Love: It is erotic love. It is that passionate love at the beginning of a relationship. Where everything is fantasy, passion… That principle where everything is “perfect” and where we only feel like spending time with the person we like and with whom we are starting something. It is the love of the beginning, it has an expiration date and it is important that a love of Philia or Agape prosper so that the couple survives the passage of time.
• Philia Love: It is the love of admiration. It is that unconditional love. That is, where we can begin to see the other’s defects but, despite these, we admire them, appreciate them… and we begin to think about a “project together” or future project. Without this type of love, the couple remains in a “thing” or “romance.” Once the love of Eros has passed and, without a future project and with that “ideal love”, the first disputes begin to appear, we appreciate the first defects…
• Agape Love: It is the love of affection, of care. It’s something like the love of wanting to be next to each other without expecting anything in return. We could also call it a selfless love. It is that love where we hope and wish for the happiness of the other.

I wonder then… could you always be waiting for that love of Eros in your partner that, in reality, has an expiration date? What is your idea of ​​love as a couple: a romantic, passionate love, without differences, where my partner is my soulmate…?

Some myths of love

Through the model of our parents, or even the love that is projected to us in our society, we tend to think that love is unconditional. Or maybe you remember those Disney movies where love conquers everything, where a prince and a princess fall in love and were always happy, or where a prince “fights” excessively for the love of his princess… Is that the kind of love? What are you waiting for?

Do you think that in love everything is fair as long as you have a “handsome and beautiful” person by your side? Do you think love is fighting, suffering… and not seeing the flaws in the other?

Healthy love is neither blind nor unconditional In fact, it must be subject to conditions if you want it to be a lasting and healthy love for both (or whoever) parties. And if these conditions are not met, because their way of being hurts you, because their behavior connects you with a personal pain from the past or because the hope that they will change never comes, it is important to make decisions.

Decisions about whether you stay in the relationship and accept it, or the decision to leave and leave the relationship in order to be happy and feel free from that suffering.

Love, after all, is chosen.

This means that we always have the decision to choose. If I choose to stay with my partner and find my way to not suffer with his way of being, or choose to leave because it causes me too much suffering.

So… what is your limit of suffering? What does love mean to you? What qualities and conditions

should your partner have? Which conditions are a priority and which ones can you “negotiate”?

What to do when doubts begin

You should know that healthy love is not at the expense of your emotions, your health, or your life project. But I also want you to know that healthy love negotiates.

Negotiating is essential in a relationship Think about it: you are two people (or whoever they are), with two

(Or more) different realities. With different experiences. With different learnings. With different values.

How are you going to think or react to different situations? Maybe it is important for you to be well-groomed for a meal with your family… and maybe it is not important for your partner. It is not better or worse, it is that your realities and ways of thinking are different.

In these cases, it is time to negotiate.

So, when doubts begin: negotiate. Talk to your partner. Express what you feel, what causes you suffering and ask him… how can you help me?

When what we fell in love with becomes suffering

Pay attention to what I tell you now… What you fell in love with may now be what you love. it bothers you, it makes you angry …or even what makes you think about leaving the relationship.

Keep that in mind and ask yourself, what has changed? Why did she make me fall in love with her and now she makes me fall out of love? What do I really need and why?

Has it ever happened to you to fall in love with a “childish” partner, who lives everything with great intensity, who loves to go out… and then they turn against you and you get angry at the childishness, the intensity and all the meetings and social groups that does your partner have? And when we couple, we tend to project ourselves onto our partner and look for them to meet certain conditions, and those conditions tend to be what we don’t have (for example, I don’t have that “childish” part).

Should I leave him or continue with my partner?

If you are facing this dilemma, stand and watch But don’t observe your partner more (to continue fueling your “anger”), but rather observe yourself more. What would you like your partner to be giving you? what would you like to see changed? Is what you want to change… something that is part of their way of being or is it a behavior? (It is not the same as wanting him to change his extroversion to asking him to lower the toilet seat because it is very important to you).

And when you know, negotiate. Express it, ask for it… But keep in mind that we are all different. We are unique. And if you are asking your partner to change something about their way of being… something is not going well, because you are not accepting them as they are and you intend to “mold” them to your liking.

Is that love for you?

couples therapy

If you feel that negotiating is not enough. Or when you try you don’t reach any agreement. When you feel like you want to give your partner a chance but you can’t find a way to express it and reach agreements… It’s time to go and ask for help from couples therapy.

Couples therapy will provide you with a space where you can learn to negotiate, where you can get to know each other better and where you can give yourself a “truce” in the discomfort you experience, as well as find answers.