Ice Heart: Why Some People Find It Difficult To Express Affection
We have long known to what extent our physical and psychological well-being can be eroded by loneliness, and that the expression of affection is the main way to create connections that link us to others beyond formal relationships.
However, many people have problems expressing affection and adopt a distant attitude automatically and involuntarily despite the fact that a part of themselves asks otherwise.
Why is this happening? Like practically all psychological phenomena, there is no single explanation, since there are several paths that lead to the same result, depending on the path that each person has taken throughout their life. However, There are very common causes of this phenomenon that has such an impact on relationships and below we will see one of them.
The human mind is a collection of contradictions, and that is why we are capable of theoretically preferring one option to another while doing the opposite in practice. This happens, for example, when we postpone visits to the dentist or skip the gym sessions we are paying for, and it also happens in the emotional facet of our lives.
We know that connecting emotionally with someone is something pleasant and despite this there are many people who in their daily lives prefer to avoid it, rejecting invitations to go out, fleeing from intense hugs, refusing to meet people who show interest, or even showing a distant attitude towards the family that cannot be explained. due to important conflicts.
This curious phenomenon has been addressed by a team of American researchers led by Anna Luerssen. They started from an initial hypothesis: that, When it comes to managing relationships, each individual is motivated by one of two objectives mutually exclusive priorities.
These objectives are, on the one hand, to develop a satisfactory relationship and, on the other, minimize the risk of feeling rejected In general, expressing affection generates well-being, but if it is interpreted that this affection is not reciprocated, a feeling of vulnerability and of having little value may appear, which damages self-esteem.
Luerssen and his people understood that someone with low self-esteem will tend to remain more defensive in their romantic relationships, and that therefore, anticipating the high risk of suffering rejection, it will be easier for them to give up the idea of having a very intimate relationship. and satisfactory.
The experiment
For this research, Luerssen’s team had the participation of 60 couples who were cared for in a Psychology laboratory. There, he separated the members of each couple and offered each of them a role: one person would be “the speaker” and the other, “the listener.”
To the participants who had to speak They were asked to choose three compliments or compliments What to say to your partners. Receivers, in addition to being asked to listen without offering any response, were told that their partner had chosen to talk about “things I really like about my partner” from a list of possible topics. In this way, they would believe that the compliments were something spontaneous.
After this phase, both members of the couple filled out questionnaires about how the activity had made them feel, took a test to collect data about their hormone levels at that moment, and the “speakers” filled out a questionnaire designed to measure your self-esteem.
The harmful power of vulnerability in a couple
According to the results obtained, people with lower self-esteem tended to offer less affectionate compliments and to express greater discomfort produced by the experiment.
progesterone levels, a hormone secreted in greater quantities in response to affective behaviors and those linked to attachment, did not increase significantly in these people either, as usually happens with the majority of people. In fact, both the “listeners” of couples with low self-esteem and those linked to couples with good self-esteem did experience this sudden rise in progesterone levels. On the other hand, “speakers” with lower self-esteem tended to believe to a lesser extent that their partner benefited from their compliments.
How is this interpreted? Everything seems to indicate that people with lower self-esteem are much more oriented towards the goal of avoiding the feeling of rejection, and that the actions that expose them to this type of danger cause discomfort that is not compensated by the good that is believed to be being done; hence the biased idea that the other person benefits little from compliments despite hormonal tests indicating otherwise.
A good part of the solution to this type of emotional and relational problems, then, involves working on self-esteem and building an idea of oneself (a self-concept) that is realistic and free of complexes. This way, everyone will win.
