Insane Loves

How many people do we know who are hooked on unhealthy relationships and unable to break away from them because they can’t or don’t want to?

The fear of losing the source of security and well-being that the couple generates keeps them tied to a torture that over time becomes a habit and the person gradually loses their “essence” or “naturalness”, their way of being. …avoiding facing fears and falling into a vicious circle from which it is increasingly difficult to get out.

It doesn’t matter what type of relationship you have, if you really want to free yourself from that relationship that doesn’t let you be happy, you can! It won’t be an easy road but with some help nothing is impossible. The beginning: change old habits and clean up your way of processing information, detecting self-deception and being more honest with yourself. If you learn to be realistic in love, if you respect yourself and develop tolerance and self-control, you will have started your path to happiness.

Following the author Walter Riso We are going to propose several principles that will help you detect if you are in an unhealthy relationship and move towards the type of relationship you want. The first thing is learn to be realistic This means seeing the relationship as it is, without distortions or self-deception. An emotional and psychologically healthy relationship can be achieved, but we will have to learn to let go and not hold on to the person we say we love, not bias, deny, justify, forget, idealize, minimize or exaggerate, tell ourselves lies and cultivate false illusions to feed the romantic image of our love dream or what “we would like it to be”, understanding the relationship in the present moment, to be able to make the right decisions and generate solutions or begin to detach ourselves if that is how it has to be.

Some of the most common cognitive distortions according to W. Riso that prevent achieving this realism are trying to excuse the little love received; minimize the couple’s defects; believing that there is still love where there is none or stubbornly persisting in recovering a lost love and walking away, but not completely. Let’s look at some of them.

Excuse the little love received

It’s hard to accept that they don’t love us with all their might. When the person we love loves us halfway, with doubts and limitations, the feeling that remains is more of gratitude than of joy, as if they were doing us a favor. Healing a relationship means running the risk of it ending, since if there are doubts, leaving it as it is will only cause love to break.

Typical phrases to detect if we are “excusing” can be:

• “He loves me but he doesn’t realize“. When a person is in love they know it, they feel it, it does not go unnoticed because their body is responsible for letting them know. If someone does not know that they love you, they do not love you.
• “The problems he has prevent him from loving me“. Most dependent people who do not feel loved tend to justify their partner’s lack of love through psychological causes or past traumas. It is true that they can affect, however the loss of love comes through wear and tear, if affection is neglected it can disappear. Although it may be painful, it is possible that the cause of the lack of love is nothing more than lack of love.
• “That’s his way of loving“. If your partner’s “way of loving” includes antipathy, indifference, selfishness and infidelity, question the relationship.
• “He loves me, but he has external impediments“Excessive work, tiredness, stress… any excuse is good to justify emotional distance. The problems of daily life can alter and weaken love a little, but they do not eliminate it. If they only love you when there are no problems, be on alert.
• “is going to separate“Many times if they tell us “I can’t separate yet” it actually means “I don’t have the courage to do so.” If you have been waiting for him to separate for a long time and he doesn’t, it means that he doesn’t love you as you deserve, since if If I did, I would be with you.

Minimize the defects of the couple or the relationship

Attached people tend to reduce their partner’s defects to a minimum, to make the relationship more bearable and reduce the risk of breakup.

Typical phrases are usually:

“Nobody is perfect“, “hoh worse couples“. This argument detracts from the value of any defect because it is always possible to find someone in a worse state. People with this argument usually have low self-esteem and are dependent and insecure.

“It’s not that bad“Minimizing the consequences will not help you be realistic, you will be eliminating your personal dreams and desires. Flexibility is good as long as it does not take away the person’s own values.

“I don’t remember there being anything bad” “my life as a couple is perfect“. This is a cognitive distortion that consists of forgetting or minimizing the problems and maximizing the good things in the relationship. It is not about going to extremes and hating or seeking revenge but about seeing to what extent it is justified to continue investing your positive energy to a love that is in decline.

The mind uses self-deception to try to save lost love. No matter how harmful it is, we become “blinded” and let ourselves be guided by fears, becoming insecure. In another article we will talk about other cognitive distortions that we usually find in an unhealthy love, not resign ourselves to the loss and continue learning to detect these distortions and heal our relationships by being more realistic.