Feeling insecure at the beginning of a relationship can be a common experience. A relationship is always a new situation that makes us feel a certain vulnerability. However, It is increasingly common for people to experience too much insecurity at the beginning of a relationship, as if it were some kind of boycott. Not only insecurity arises but also a certain anxiety, need for approval and uncertainty. What are the causes?
In psychological consultation, I usually say that there is nothing more complicated than a relationship. Because? Because it is an intimate experience that we like and leads us towards a very special way of bonding. However, it is not an experience that we can control (since it depends on another person), hence the greatest fears and insecurities arise.
Within the therapeutic field it is increasingly common for people to have this difficulty: too much fear and insecurity at the beginning of a relationship, so that it is difficult for them to build positive relationships over time. These sensations are born from psychological and emotional difficulties related to certain emotions and especially self-esteem (which is discovered in a special way when we start a relationship).
In this article we are going to delve into the psychological and emotional causes that lead us to this difficulty and, above all, how to solve it in a stable way. That is to say: it is not about applying patches to feel good for a while even if the problem returns later, but rather a definitive learning that helps you focus your relationships in a different way and is lasting over time (both for now and for future relationships. ).
Everything I am going to tell you is based on direct experience in consultation, with the aim that you know what the keys are and can apply them in your case.
Starting a relationship: why is it so difficult?
The beginning of a relationship can be an intense experience, but also uncontrollable. Many times, past relationships influence how we deal with new emotional connections. This generates an almost automatic need to reduce uncertainty, which leads us to try to control the relationship through expectations, demands or comparisons. Without realizing it, these behaviors fuel both insecurity and anxiety.
Communication problems often play a key role. Some people tend to avoid expressing what they feel or need, which makes them seem unassertive and causes confusion. On the contrary, others take an overly imperative approach, constantly demanding that the relationship go the way they want. This communicative imbalance, motivated by the fear of failure, intensifies the initial difficulties.
Recognizing these dynamics is crucial. If you identify with these behaviors, you are taking an important step towards change. Feeling insecure is common, but working on it from the roots will allow you to build healthier relationships.
Phases of a relationship
Every relationship goes through a series of phases that present different emotional and psychological challenges. I’m going to quote you a paragraph from the book “Neither high nor low, build authentic self-esteem” (you can find this book on Amazon). In this case it is chapter 6, titled “Self-esteem and relationships”
“In relationships, but especially in a couple’s relationship, we find three well-differentiated phases: dissolution, the struggle of egos and the encounter. The dissolution phase is the one that is most interesting, transcendent and magical, and is a source direct for everything we understand as romanticism. In the first phase, we feel that we ‘dissolve’ in the other.
To connect with a person deeply, We share so much of our intimacy and vulnerabilities, that we dissolve part of our ego or mask and learn to flow into the other and with the other. We get excited, our emotions stir, we find the meaning of life that seemed lost. But this phase does not last too long (…).”
It is precisely during this initial stage of dissolution where uncertainty is felt most intensely. In our attempt to control it, we develop mechanisms such as demanding immediate reciprocity or seeking security in external attitudes. Identifying these patterns is the first step to confronting them.
I also leave you with a video that goes into depth about couple difficulties from a psychological and emotional sense.