Intermittent Reinforcement In Relationships: How Can It Affect Us?
What does intermittent reinforcement entail? How can it affect our relationships and our self-esteem? Discover how to deal with these types of attitudes in emotional ties.
BF Skinner discovered this phenomenon in mice that had to pull a lever to receive food. He had some mice that he fed only a few times and variably after they pulled the lever. She fed others whenever they pulled her. Who do you think pulled the lever the most to receive food?
Although it may seem contradictory, since what would be expected is that those who knew that the food would come would always throw more, the opposite happened, the same uncertainty of knowing that at some point the reinforcement would appear but not knowing when, caused them to respond more intensely and pull the lever much more than the other group.
This phenomenon is called intermittent booster and it appears sometimes, consciously and unconsciously, in relationships with others. At the brain level, those responsible for this phenomenon are found mainly in the limbic system (amygdala and hippocampus). This, together with dopamine, is responsible for generating a discharge of pleasure that rewards and motivates our behavior. The longer the period of uncertainty, the more anxious we are about the reward and the greater the relief we feel and the reinforcement when it arrives.
The hookup: Tinder and dependency relationships
The first thing to keep in mind is be aware that intermittent reinforcement , by itself, does not have to generate “hook”, other factors must come together to accompany it. I don’t know if it has happened to you to be on Tinder and not be able to stop swiping, it becomes a ritual being indifferent to who you have matched with before. The simple uncertainty of not knowing who you are going to meet leads us to maintain this behavior, the fact of knowing that at some point someone will match us and not knowing when we end up hooked.
We go to Tinder motivated to find something or entertain ourselves out of boredom, but the motivation to use it is due to the pleasure we experience from uncertainty, knowing that at some point we will make a match. Since it is something unpredictable but we know that the dopamine release will come sooner or later, we don’t stop trying. The possibility of connecting with someone and not knowing when, means that we cannot stop using the App and meet more people. What if another person awaits us who fits us even more?
The simple anticipation of pleasure, that uncertainty, is more pleasurable and addictive than the fact of receive reinforcement Sometimes we remove the App, but we always end up coming back thanks to this phenomenon.
Intermittent reinforcement in relationships
I don’t know if it has happened to you that we are meeting someone who, for a few days, gives us a lot of attention and affection and, suddenly, without explanation, disappears or seems more distant. Regardless of the reason for your behavior, this pattern generates uncertainty in us We have already tasted the reward of feeling that someone gives us those doses of affection, with which our mind will begin to become obsessed with searching for an answer, to try to talk to that person at all costs, to demand attention again.
If that person answered us right away it would not be as reinforcing as if they answered us in a few days. Because? Well because the more uncertainty, the more anxiety we accumulate , when your response appears it will be as reinforcing as the relief it generates. The more uncertainty accumulated, the more reinforcement we will receive. This way of relating will be maintained not because of the positive things that the other gives me, but because of the hope of receiving what I received one day and not wanting to have a bad time when the other is not there.
We can find ourselves in relationships where everything is very intense, with many breakups and twists, strong arguments but very intense good moments. These relationships do not have good moments because they are healthy, but because the bad ones are very intense, which makes the good ones much more rewarding. He intermittent booster It makes us know that at some point everything will go very well, it keeps us in them and we tolerate much more than our limits set for us.
Obviously, we cannot reduce everything to this phenomenon, other factors influence such as our level of self-esteem, the context, our way of connecting with others, the way in which we have learned to regulate our emotions, the beliefs we have about how relationships should be. …
How can I cope with intermittent reinforcement?
Learn to identify them The first thing is to learn to be aware of how I am behaving with others and if I am in a relationship with intermittent reinforcements.
Tell the other person how you are feeling and the change you need and be firm.
Don’t focus on making decisions in principle , focus your attention on seeking reinforcements in other areas of your life, look for fixed and constant reinforcements that do not generate more chaos or confusion. Look for reinforcements that connect with you and are healthy: Meeting people, new activities, meeting friends, self-care…
Value not the moments where you are well but the emotional cost it has for you to stay in that relationship in bad times (Constant anxiety, frustration, loss of self-esteem, deterioration of your relationships, not performing in other areas of your life or abandoning them).
go to therapy to reinforce those pillars that make it easier for you to fall into this type of dynamics: self-esteem, your context, your learning/upbringing history, dysfunctional beliefs about relationships…
Once you make the decision apply contact 0. Contact 0 is the best tool to overcome a “hook”. It should be as long as you need and we have to ensure that they do not talk to us about that person, delete them from social networks, do not take calls, do not answer messages, and if necessary even block them.
It is important to understand that we can all fall into these types of relationships at some point in our lives, too. we can be the ones who intermittently reinforce , because we all have shortcomings and fears at some point that lead us to relate from there. The most important thing is to realize and fight to get out of it.
