Both roles are difficult, although they are mediated by many factors (age, years of relationship, children, type of breakup…), the truth is that the intensity is determined by the person.
The truth is that both roles are difficult, leaving or being left marks a crisis in the lives of both people, which in turn depends on many factors (age, length of relationship, children or not, socioeconomic characteristics, way in which produces the breakup, personal skills and social network), although the truth is that what will determine the intensity and duration of the consequences will be the personal characteristics and coping skills of each person.
In life, we continually lose things, relationships, opportunities, status, etc., but without a doubt one of the losses that has the greatest emotional impact on people (after the death of a loved one) is the breakup of the relationship.
But although each breakup is different and as I have already pointed out, many factors intervene, there are always two actors, the one who decides to break the relationship, and the one who is left.
The one who decides to break the relationship
Reasons why you decide to break up with a relationship:
- The relationship does not meet some requirements that we consider basic, whether sexual, affection, intimacy, common or individual vital objectives, leisure and free time; and sees no possibility of change having tried (or not).
- The relationship is limiting, especially on a personal level; it does not provide individual development or growth; rather, it feels like an obligation or a burden, and it feels like giving up things that are important to maintain the relationship.
- Frequent arguments or conflicts over daily things, there is no understanding or communication, the discussions are constant and tiring, there is a lack of common agreements and negotiations where both feel they win.
- You have met another person, this has brought you new emotions, excitement, desire, enthusiasm. He also thinks that this new person brings him more benefits than the relationship, he sees the future in a more positive way with this new person
- It may be that the decision is the result of many of these variables at the same time or of other more personal reasons.
- But, even if you have found reasons to want to break up the relationship, what prevents many people from doing so?
- Fear of being wrong.
- Fear that there is no turning back.
- Fear of not being able to rebuild your life again.
- Fear that the decision will harm both the other member and other people (children and other family members).
- Fear of losing resources (financial, social status, etc.).
- Fear of losing relationships.
- Fear of being judged by others.
- Fear of being and feeling alone
Therefore, making this decision is difficult and important for the person, who can go through many emotional states, both euphoria or freedom and regret, sadness or incomprehension; Since many times, what she had dreamed her life would be like after the breakup does not correspond to the reality she is truly living after it, and this brings a lot of remorse and guilt; Or it may also be that the assessment of the decision was positive and correct, leading the person to feel relief and excitement about the new stage that is beginning.
The one who is left
Normally this person’s feelings are very different, and it also depends on how the breakup occurred, whether it was a complete surprise or whether the relationship had already been deteriorating for some time.
Possible reactions of people who are left:
- Rage, resentment and betrayal
- Feeling of abandonment
- Search for the reasons why the relationship breaks down
- Ruminate on what you could have done to prevent the breakup from happening.
- Guilt for not having known how to maintain the relationship
- Idealization of the member that leaves, has no defects
- Idealization of the relationship, tendency to remember only the positive
- Thinking that you will never rebuild your life and that you will not find anyone like the one you left
- Lowered self-esteem
Of course, these reactions can occur at the same time or go through many of them as time passes after the breakup.
There are few couples who usually leave it by mutual agreement, normally it is one of the members who decides to make the decision, normally it is the woman who makes it.
Currently, the number of breakups has been decreasing, taking into account the data from the National Institute of Statistics, in which the data for 2005 was 137,044 breakups (divorces, separations and annulments), in 2015 the figure fell to 105,893, not We know if the data is due to the crisis, to the fact that we chose a better partner or to the fact that we go to therapy more, of course that is the data.
Finally, if you are going to make the decision to break up with your partner, first you have to be clear about why and why, but I would recommend trying to fix the situation consciously and setting a time limit where you both learn and do your part. (many times, it is advisable to discuss this with a psychologist to guide you and help you in the process), if in the aforementioned time the objectives are met or not met, then make the decision that you think is appropriate, but never regret not not having tried and not having done everything on your part.
Written by: María Alvarez, AN08209. Maria Psychologist, Sexologist and Couples Therapist.
