Sacrificing oneself for the good of others is one of the maxims of Christianity, something that has deeply penetrated Western societies. Even in those that are least believed, the act of helping others at the expense of one’s own well-being is an act interpreted as kind, as a good person.
Helping others is good, but everything has a limit and sometimes this help can even become an exhibition of believing oneself better than others by accumulating burdens that one really cannot bear.
The martyr complex is a condition in which people sacrifice themselves more than they should, but at the same time combined with a certain air of being better than others and a mixture of low self-esteem. Let’s take a closer look at what it consists of.
What is the martyr complex?
Many people put the well-being of others before their own and even consider other people’s opinions as more important than their own. This, which may seem so charitable and generous on their part, ends up making them adopt the role of an everlasting victim since they are the ones around them who suffer the most, the ones whose life burdens them with the greatest adversity. In reality it is as if they asked for it. This way of living life is what we can call the martyr complex.
The martyr complex is usually justified under the excuse of love, duty and sacrifice It involves adopting an attitude, voluntarily, seeking suffering and feeling persecuted in order to feed certain psychological needs.
Is the belief that sacrificing means being a better person, is thinking that it is the right thing to do The search for that suffering leads the martyr to feel better about himself in a certain way.
In the martyr’s way of interpreting the world, carrying the weight of sorrow and misfortune is interpreted as an act of kindness, since it is taken away from another person. It makes you feel more valuable, that you are fulfilling a vital purpose which is to save others from suffering, even if it is at his or her expense. But this pattern of behavior is extremely self-destructive since constantly ignoring your own needs makes you chronically unhappy, and on top of that you feel that others should be grateful, but because they don’t show it, you end up getting very frustrated.
How does a martyr behave?
Really, to some degree we are all a bit of a martyr. Sacrificing oneself for the good of others is something established in Western cultures because it is one of the pillars of Christianity On more than one occasion we will have sacrificed ourselves for someone we care about or who we believe really needed a favor or inconsiderate act on our part. But in the case of people with a martyr complex this reaches a very intense extreme.
To identify a person who could have this complex we must pay attention to various behaviors, thoughts, beliefs and values. Among them we have the following signs.
They consider themselves good people, but at the level of heroes or even saints They see themselves as morally elevated before others, which makes them also see other people as selfish or insensitive for two reasons: one, for not sacrificing like them; and two, for not valuing the effort they are making by sacrificing themselves, even when there is not the slightest fault. Furthermore, they tend to exaggerate their level of suffering to ensure that they come across as a self-sacrificing person.
This type of persons They speak in such a way that with their speech they capture the attention and recognition of those who listen to them They tend to have very low self-esteem, something easy to detect because they often say that they are not worthy or deserving of love and, also, they tend to undervalue their personality and abilities.
It is difficult for them to say no and set limits. Because of this, they load themselves with too many favors and can even fall into abusive relationships. But paradoxically, some martyrs end up becoming manipulators, psychological abusers, taking advantage of their victim situation to engage in emotional blackmail and get what they want from others.
Another characteristic that defines them is that They are not able to solve their personal problems efficiently They do not implement strategies to solve their problems. But, in addition, when one of these problems ends up being solved by the mere passage of time, the person with a martyr complex puts the focus of attention on another that he did not give as much importance to before. They always see the glass half empty, a new problem will always arise to regret again and again.
As we said, they have a vision of themselves as people who are morally superior to others. This motivates them to look for ways to demonstrate their kindness and good intentions, while creating situations in which they make others seem like bad people, selfish, bad in simple words.
They are often disappointed when they see how others react when they do something for them. This is because, even if they do not do it to obtain favors, they are often unhappy with the degree to which their good deeds are valued by others. They seek the admiration and praise of others And, of course, if others do not see it as something too important or simply see it as another favor, the person with a martyr complex even takes it as an offense.
How to act in front of a person like that?
People with a martyr complex are not easy to deal with. These individuals can become extremely tired and exhausting by constantly telling us how bad they are having it. Their negativity, full of desire to be the center of attention and desire for recognition, can affect us greatly They infect us with their negativity, making us also see that we suffer more serious things than they really are but, on top of that, they make us feel bad for not being as “charitable” or “kind” as they are.
To deal with this type of people we can use the following three strategies:
1. Not accepting their favors
Do not accept favors or help on our behalf that he or she may interpret as a hard sacrifice With these people it happens that the more we receive from them, the more likely it will be that the martyr will feel disappointed with us for not valuing him or her, making this a source of conflict in the not-so-distant future.
It is not a question of rejecting everything they offer us, but of assessing when it is really necessary to receive their help. What we can do on our own, if he offers to help us, we can tell him that it is not necessary, that we can handle it, that we are self-sufficient.
2. Do not feed your victimhood
When a person with a martyr complex transmits his feelings of grief and victimhood to you, The worst thing you can do is wind it up Do not reinforce his anguish or give in to compassion because, doing so, you will contribute to his constant whining and complaints about the heavy burden he carries on his back. What you should do is change the direction of the conversation, highlighting the positive things in their life or some of their strengths instead of highlighting what they are complaining about.
3. Explain how we feel
If the person with the martyr complex is someone important to you, You should explain to her how her victimhood makes you feel and that her way of acting does not benefit either you or her You will most likely become defensive at first. However, if you talk things through calmly, appreciating your efforts and offering solutions, you may realize that your suffering is of no use and that, furthermore, you have caused the people you were trying to help to suffer as well.