Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a chronic neurobiological disorder that some children present before the age of 12.
These manifest a series of behaviors that, traditionally due to ignorance; cause them to be labeled as “difficult”, “naughty” or “bad”. These behaviors are mainly characterized by a lack of impulse control and difficulty maintaining voluntary attention among others
The guilt that parents of “difficult minors” may experience is a very common feeling. Minors absorb all the information from their environment and it is normal for parents to think that they may have been a bad example. But, although it is true that a very high percentage of minors’ behaviors are learned through modeling, in the case of ADHD, tutors have usually had little to do with it.
What usually happens is that patterns have been created that unconsciously harm the minor ; which means that the behaviors associated with the disorder are more intense, frequent and annoying. It may be that inappropriate reinforcement systems or reinforcers (rewards) that do not work are being used. It must be taken into account that traditional educational forms do not usually give good results with children with ADHD.
The helplessness felt by parents may have turned into “throwing in the towel.” It must be noted that it is a very difficult task for parents because the impulsive or hyperactive behavior of the minor is perceived by parents as aversive and intrusive, usually causing negative reactions in adults. No professional will hold parents responsible, however, and seeking help is one of the most responsible things you can do for your son/daughter.
It is just as important to educate parents in responses to the minor’s behavior as it is to educate the minor himself A psychology professional can recognize these patterns and begin to help break them and create new ones.
Once we have removed the blame and have understood the disorder, we must act with specific behaviors to improve the quality of life of the minor and ensure that all their cognitive and physiological needs are satisfied.
What can I do for my child with ADHD?
The following actions are aimed at improving interactions with the minor so that both the parents and the child feel safer and take control by acquiring new effective behaviors. These are some tools that are worked on in psychological consultation during the training program for parents of minors with ADHD
1. Strengthen strengths
González de Mira (1997) has observed that children with ADHD tend to have good visual and auditory memory, high levels of creativity and a sense of humor, they are sensitive and very committed to their loved ones, in addition to being very energetic. Therefore, it is important that parents emphasize these positive characteristics, to Help children develop good self-esteem
2. Improve communication
In a family with a child with ADHD, the number and frequency of negative interactions is usually quite high. Effective communication can mitigate the negative effect that the disorder produces on the family and on the child
Parents must be made to understand that if it is difficult for them to communicate assertively with the minor and they feel frustrated; The minor also has difficulties due to the disorder itself. Besides, Being a minor, he has not yet acquired resources to solve problems or for effective communication
Becoming aware of this breaks the competitiveness that parents of minors with ADHD usually have towards them and orients itself towards changing the attitudes that harm the solution of the problem.
3. Attitude in communication
From the assessment we make about people, expectations arise that will influence the attitude when dealing with them. It has been revealed in several investigations that Minors perceive themselves based on the opinion that their parents or guardians have of them
Expectations would be related to implicit theories of personality and the Pygmalion effect (the expectations that a tutor has for his student directly influence his performance).
The child with ADHD is usually labeled as restless, bad, annoying… so the child builds his/her self-image based on these traits. The direct consequence of this is that the minor directs his/her behavior to be consistent with those expectations that are held of him/her, since they serve as a guide to action.
Minors with ADHD function with clear, concise messages that directly specify what is expected of him/her. Verbal communications must coincide coherently with non-verbal communications
4. The right time to communicate
It is very important to choose the right situation to give orders to your son/daughter or to make him/her understand.
That moment of negotiation can never arise in the discussion, in which specific instructions must be given. If the situation is negative or unfavorable, it is very unlikely that a favorable resolution will be reached.
In addition, parents should ignore tantrums or inappropriate behaviors in order not to reinforce them with attention and so that they are not repeated.
A good strategy is to have a conversation with your sons/daughters so that they can communicate their concerns, in which they should apply these guidelines: listen calmly, do not show disagreement or give advice, propose a solution that allows the minor to freely express all their desires, fears or frustrations. In this way the minor feels trust in his/her parents and encourages him/her to ask for help with whatever happens to him/her
6. How to give information
Gordon called the different alternatives to present a parental demand to sons/daughters: messages from me and messages from you
I messages are statements from parents in which they report what they think, feel and want about the minor’s behavior, but without falling into blaming or critical comments.
The messages from you focus on censorship and recrimination using criticism and labeling the minor in a negative way.
Parents of minors with ADHD tend to use “you” messages with their sons/daughters much more. You can begin to identify when these messages are said to minors and turn them into I messages.
7. Conflict resolution and communication skills
It is very beneficial to understand that In every conflict you have to give in and, at the same time, benefit in some way from the solution Even if you are in a position of authority with your son/daughter, you must always keep in mind that the minor may also be right.
Author: Susana Merino García. Psychologist specializing in psychopathology and health.
