A relationship that lasts over time will, sooner or later, experience some type of conflict. Although almost no one finds them pleasant, in reality their existence is healthy, since it allows us to express emotions and thoughts and negotiate guidelines for action and intermediate points.
Now, it is necessary to know how to manage them, and this may not be so easy. This is influenced by previous couple experiences, various styles when it comes to managing problems, or even various personality traits.
Some people, for example, find that After an argument with his partner, he gets angry and does not speak to him Why is this happening? How to react? Throughout this article we are going to try to give some answers to these questions.
The silent treatment: he gets angry and doesn’t talk to me
In all relationships, and especially those as a couple, it is relatively common that for some reason conflicts, small fights and disputes appear, in which both members of the couple end up getting angry
For some people, an argument causes one party to stop talking to the other and ignore them. When used voluntarily, This way of proceeding is popularly called the silent treatment
This is a pattern of action in which the person who gets angry stops talking to the other person for a period of time, during which it is possible that not only there is silence at a behavioral level but that the subject who practices it becomes mentally and emotionally isolated. The absence of communication can be complete, or limit yourself to short, dry and even monosyllabic answers. Likewise, it is likely that in addition to silence there will be contradictions between verbal and non-verbal communication.
This behavior, with great similarities to the phenomenon of ghosting, can have different objectives and is born in part from a personality that can be either immature or arise from an attempt to suppress the emotional reaction that arises in oneself or in the partner. Can be used defensively or aggressively (either to protect oneself from harm coming from the other or to cause it to the other).
As a general rule, it is usually used only while a conflict lasts or for a more or less short period of time afterwards, but sometimes incommunication can remain for prolonged periods.
This way of acting is actually highly maladaptive because it will generate pain and dissatisfaction, and in fact it has been observed that it contributes to deteriorating satisfaction with the relationship and the bond between the couple. Furthermore, it does not allow working on the aspects that have generated the anger, so the reason for the conflict may remain latent.
Some common causes of this reaction
As we have seen, not speaking to your partner after getting angry with them can be due to very different motivations. Among them, some of the most common are the following.
1. Self-manage your own emotions
One of the defensive causes of this type of behavior is what occurs when the subject who ignores is unable to cope with the emotions aroused by the argument or the presence of the partner with whom he or she has just argued.
In these cases the subject seeks an escape or avoidance of emotions that they do not know how to manage appropriately, whether for fear of doing or saying something that will harm the relationship or that will make you have to give in to something you are not willing to do. It usually occurs in very rational people who have little connection with their emotions, or in those who are highly emotional but have difficulties managing them.
2. Cease a painful argument
Sometimes when one of the members of the couple stops talking to the other after getting angry, the objective is to try to end the argument. In this case we are facing defensive behavior which does not allow resolving what has caused the conflict, although you can seek to resume the conversation in a calmer situation or after preparing some type of argument.
3. Search for forgiveness request
In some cases, the cessation of communication seeks restitution or compensation from the other, generally in the form of a request for forgiveness. It is an aggressive position that seeks to modify the actions of the other. It is largely similar to the next point, with the difference that In this case, it is not really intended to cause harm just because but rather that the other realizes that the subject considers that a certain level of discomfort has been generated.
4. Manipulate behavior
Another of the most common causes of this behavior is an attempt by the ignorant person to get what they want. The silence becomes uncomfortable and painful so that the one who receives it, may feel bad and modify his behavior in order to please the other.
We are basically faced with a type of behavior with overtones of psychological violence in which one of the members may be forced to do something they do not want to do, in such a way that personal freedom is restricted.
5. “Punish” the other
Another cause for the silent treatment to appear is an attempt to harm the other as a punishment or sanction for a possible affront, whether real (an argument or a confessed or real infidelity) or imagined (for example due to jealousy). ). In this case we are faced with somewhat immature behavior that does not allow progress and resolution of the conflict, in addition to being able to have abusive characteristics in some cases.
Effects on those who suffer this type of hostility
The fact that your partner gets angry and does not talk to you usually affects the person who suffers from it, regardless of the objective of the person who is ignoring it. As a general rule, the person will feel rejected, something that can generate pain and suffering. And being ignored by someone we love is a cause of stress.
This pain can even become physical: it is not uncommon for headaches, neck pain or intestinal discomfort to appear. It is also possible that feelings of guilt, sleep problems and vascular and blood pressure alterations may appear. In some cases, endocrine deregulation and changes in glucose levels may even appear.
In addition to the above, performance and execution problems may appear due to the concern that this behavior can generate, as well as demotivation and loss of desire to do things. It can also generate anger and resentment against the one who ignores us, as well as losing some hope for said person and even rethinking some aspects of the relationship or the convenience of maintaining it or not.
A form of abuse
So far we have talked about different reasons why one of the members of the couple stops talking to the other out of anger, which can range from an attempt to take time to manage their own emotions to a form of punishment for some reason. type of perceived grievance (whether real or not).
However, there are times when a cessation or decrease in the couple’s communication occurs actively not in the context of a specific conflict, but as a control mechanism that is used constantly throughout the relationship.
In other words, we must keep in mind that although it can be used occasionally without having the real objective of causing harm, it can be one of the expressions of the presence of psychological abuse. And deep down, If it is done intentionally we are facing a type of passive violence towards the partner who seeks to manipulate or harass her through her invisibility.
In these cases we would be faced with the use of the presence or absence of communication as an instrument regularly used to make the other person feel unimportant.
In these cases, the intention is to cause harm and put the couple in inferior conditions: the objective of silence is to harass the other by pretending that they do not exist or that what they think or say is not important in order to shape their behavior. in such a way that it does what the subject wants or simply in order to make him or her suffer in order to maintain dominance over him or her.
How to react to this situation
Finding ourselves in this situation can be highly frustrating and we may not know what to do. In this sense, it is advisable, first of all, to try not to respond with the same behavior since this can lead to a symmetrical escalation of the conflict, a worsening of the situation and a deterioration of relationships.
It is worth asking first about the causes of the anger or the reason that may have caused the couple to stop talking to us. It’s about trying to see things from the other’s perspective, although the fact that he ignores us makes us angry or upset, in order to understand why he may be reacting that way. In the same way, we must also assess whether our own conduct may be responsible for it, and if so, try to repair the possible damage caused.
It is essential to try to approach the other in a positive way and try to show that the lack of communication is causing suffering in us, as well as making it difficult to resolve the conflict. It is about promoting communication that allows both members to express what they feel and think freely and without fear.
Now, it is not necessary to be excessively insistent: sometimes it may be necessary to let the other subject reflect on the situation. Forcing things can be counterproductive.
It must also be taken into account that we must respect ourselves, and in the event that the behavior persists and our attempts are unsuccessful for a time, it may be necessary to set limits regarding what we are willing to tolerate. It is even possible to rethink even the terms of the relationship. We must also be able to distance ourselves from the situation and see it in perspective, so that it does not cause us suffering or reduce its impact.
In the case of abusive and toxic dynamics that seek to manipulate the ignored person and harm them without further ado, it is not appropriate to give in since this may give rise to the use of this method as a dynamic to achieve one’s own purposes. In addition It is also necessary to set limits and stay away from this type of relationship
It may be useful in some cases to consider seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, or individual therapy for one or both partners. Also strengthening our communication skills and emotion management can be very useful.