My Partner Is Too Selfish: What To Do?

My partner is too selfish

Many of the problems that arise in relationships arise from asymmetric relationships: that is, those in which there is one party that gives more than they receive.

These asymmetries can take many forms: sometimes complaints arise due to the jealousy that one of the people feels when they see that they cannot control the other, sometimes they appear from emotional dependence and the need to have the constant approval of the other. another, etc. In any case, one of the most common formulas used by those who go to psychotherapy to treat this discomfort is: “I feel like my partner is too selfish”

In this article we will see what problems are hidden behind these types of complaints, and what can be done to face and overcome them.

    The selfish couple: a more complex phenomenon than it seems

    One of the most studied phenomena in the field of psychology is what we call “fundamental attribution error.” This psychological phenomenon can be understood as a bias, that is, a distorted way of interpreting reality that, despite being irrational, is common in our way of thinking.

    The fundamental attribution error consists of the following: We attribute the behavior of others to “their way of being”, something like their essence as individuals, while when interpreting what oneself does, we take into account the circumstances that have led to that action and, in general, the context that has influenced us; that is, what is external to us.

    People who repeatedly come to the conclusion that their partner is selfish often do so driven by this bias; They assume that those attitudes and behaviors they see in others reveal their true personality, with all that this implies. Pessimistic thoughts arise about the future of the relationship and its viability

    As in almost all cognitive distortions that we frequently fall into, there is nothing to indicate that the fundamental attribution error leads us to be wrong whenever it appears. Although it serves to simplify reality, it is sometimes right, and although no behavior can be explained as if people were totally disconnected from their environment, it is possible to reach a reasoned decision that it is not worth assuming all the sacrifices involved in helping that person. person to change.

    In short, the fundamental attribution error is a “shortcut” that allows us to reach conclusions in a relatively simple way, and that sometimes happens to be what best helps us understand what is happening… but sometimes , No. That is why many times, if the relationship is not totally toxic and clearly harms one or both parties, It is worth examining what really lies beyond that superficial thinking of “my partner is selfish.”

    What to do if your partner behaves selfishly

    These are some aspects that I advise you to take into account to manage problems of this kind in your love life.

    1. Go from noun to verb

    Remember that if you want to face the problem from a constructive perspective, You have to reject the idea that selfishness is part of your partner’s essence; Otherwise, all the explanations we create to describe what is happening will be circular and will only generate more hostility and frustration: he acts selfish because he is selfish, and vice versa.

    Instead, we must focus on behavior, those concrete actions that take place in time and space. The person is not selfish, he behaves selfishly.

    That way we will be clear about what needs to change: the lack of involvement in household chores, the tendency to complain if the weekend plan that the other person wants is not chosen, etc. With a specific objective in sight, it is possible to look for solutions; Without it, nothing can be done.

      2. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

      This may seem obvious, but in situations like this, where there is an open or latent conflict, many people forget what it means to put themselves in the other’s shoes. It does not mean letting him talk about what he feels and then immediately becoming defensive about the accusations we detect in his words; it implies understand their version of events and connect that knowledge to what we know about that person’s values, priorities, and fears.

      That does not mean agreeing with it, nor considering that it is morally excusable; is understand the logic behind your actions and feelings Only if we do this will we have a basis to decide with knowledge of the facts if there are possibilities of readjusting that relationship or if it is better to end it.

      Of course, we must insist that in extreme cases in which there is abuse, the priority is not to understand what is happening, but to get to safety.

      3. Agree on changes in habits that affect both of you

      Even if you have come to the conclusion that most of the problematic behaviors appear on the part of your partner and not on your part, it is better to apply behavioral correction proposals that involve both of you (although not to the same extent), and not only to the other. That way you will be motivating each other. to contribute more to the relationship, on the one hand, and to appreciate those behavioral changes and facilitate them maintaining a constructive attitude, on the other.

      4. Go to couples therapy

      Couples therapy is a highly recommended environment in which to treat these types of problems. Psychologists often work with problems that are not in a single person, but rather They arise in the interaction between boyfriends, between husband and wife, etc

      Not only is it offered the possibility of expressing oneself openly with the support of someone who arbitrates and who does not judge or take sides; In addition, programs to modify habits and thought patterns are applied to turn the couple’s relationship into fertile ground in which love is reinforced, wherever possible.

      5. When breaking up, avoid revenge

      The breakup should not be interpreted as a failure Taking into account the cost of staying in the relationship a little longer, we have given you an opportunity to improve.

      But once it occurs, it is not advisable to “cut it off” using the situation as a personal revenge; Not only will it cause unnecessary harm to the other person, but it can also install us in beliefs that cause us even more discomfort. The fact of having harmed our ex-partner usually gives us more reasons to accumulate resentment towards them.

      Are you looking for professional help?

      If you are considering going to a psychologist to address this or other types of problems, I suggest that you contact me to have a first therapy session. I am a psychologist specialized in cognitive-behavioral therapy and third generation therapies, and I serve both individual patients and couples. You can find me both at my therapy center located in Almería and through my online therapy services wherever you are.


        • Emily Psychology

          I’m Emily Williams Jones, a psychologist specializing in mental health with a focus on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness. With a Ph.D. in psychology, my career has spanned research, clinical practice and private counseling. I’m dedicated to helping individuals overcome anxiety, depression and trauma by offering a personalized, evidence-based approach that combines the latest research with compassionate care.