Relational Amnesia: Characteristics, Causes And How It Affects Couples
“I didn’t tell you that!”, “Are you sure we went together?”, “I don’t remember when it was…” and other phrases are sometimes said by husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends who tell their loved ones. orange that they don’t remember very well something that they supposedly experienced together.
The other person may feel upset by the fact that the individual with whom they are sharing their life does not remember an experience that was very meaningful to them, such as celebrating their anniversary, going to a fancy restaurant, or listening to a concert together.
How is it possible for a person to forget something so important to their relationship? This type of seemingly counterintuitive forgetting has been called relational amnesia a phenomenon that we will delve into below.
Relational amnesia is a psychological phenomenon in which individuals selectively forget or distort past events, particularly in the context of romantic relationships. It often manifests as forgetting positive moments, distorting past conflicts, or rewriting relationship history in ways that reinforce one’s current emotional state or perspective.
This type of memory bias can significantly impact emotional bonds, relationship satisfaction, and conflict resolution. When one or both partners experience relational amnesia, it can lead to resentment, miscommunication, and emotional distancing.
We can define relational amnesia as the systematic forgetting of details and moments, both everyday and special, that for one of the people who make up the couple are significant One partner forgets shared experiences or unconsciously distorts them, to the point that what he or she remembers differs greatly from what his or her partner remembers. As a result of this dynamic of forgetfulness, disagreements, tensions and conflicts occur in the relationship.
This amnesia goes beyond forgetting the couple’s anniversary or the other’s birthday. It is about forgetting very important moments for the other person, very special experiences that marked relevant moments for the relationship such as a reconciliation dinner, going to a concert together or going on a hike. How is this possible? Why is someone capable of forgetting experiences that they themselves have lived and that are supposed to be important?
One of the first answers we could give to explain this phenomenon is quite simple: everyone processes their memories in their own way. What may be transcendental and tremendously significant to one, engraved in their mind by fire, to the other may seem like just another experience, whether everyday or unusual, but at the end of the day something susceptible to being forgotten. This does not mean that the couple is loved less. Everyone keeps magical moments in their memory, but each one has their own, and most of them can coincide between the members of the relationship.
However, although relational amnesia is relatively common and does not necessarily have to be indicative of any problem, it can happen that the person who remembers things better blames the other person for not remembering the most important moments of the relationship. There is always one member of the couple who keeps every moment in their memory, while the other is more limited to living in the present. This can lead to arguments and even disappointments that can cause multiple relationship problems.
Characteristics of Relational Amnesia
As we were saying, relational amnesia is not something to worry about in principle. This type of amnesia does not constitute a clinical entity, but it is a normal phenomenon in which a person forgets some detail related to their relationship, but important enough for the other person to be bothered by this forgetfulness. There is no cognitive deficit, but the fact that one remembers in a different way what is important to the other can lead to discrepancies and arguments from time to time.
The striking thing about relational amnesia is that the situations involved, there is always someone who remembers practically everything and someone who remembers almost nothing The person who remembers things, as we have already mentioned, reproaches the person who forgets for neglecting things that are important to the history of the relationship. On the other hand, the forgetful person can scold the person who remembers things better by telling him that he has an obsession with remembering every detail of what he experienced and that he uses it to blame him for his poor memory.
This situation, if not managed in a mature and thoughtful manner, can create an environment of constant reproaches and criticism that will be a breeding ground for relationship problems. It is common to feel disappointment and frustration when you feel that the person you love does not seem to pay attention in shared moments nor does he seem to make an effort to remember important aspects of the relationship. However, it is worth reflecting on what can cause a person to manifest this very common type of amnesia.
1. Selective Memory of Past Events
Individuals may remember negative experiences more vividly than positive ones.
Happy memories may become blurred or minimized, while conflicts are exaggerated.
2. Emotional Influence on Memory Recall
The way someone feels in the present can shape how they remember the past.
For example, when feeling angry or hurt, a person may only recall past disappointments and forget moments of love and happiness.
3. Conflicting Versions of the Past
Couples may disagree on key events, leading to frustration and misunderstandings.
One partner might recall a past argument as minor, while the other remembers it as a major betrayal.
4. Rewriting Relationship History
Some individuals unconsciously alter their perception of past experiences to fit their current emotions.
In extreme cases, this can lead to emotional detachment or even the justification of a breakup.
5. Cognitive Distortions
People experiencing relational amnesia may engage in black-and-white thinking (e.g., “You never cared about me” or “We were always unhappy”).
Confirmation bias plays a role, where individuals only focus on memories that support their current beliefs about their partner.
Causes of Relational Amnesia
There are several causes that can explain why a person frequently falls into relational amnesia. Since this type of amnesia can have negative consequences for the relationship, especially if it occurs very frequently and in an extreme way, it is important to know them. When you date a person who seems to be born forgetful, it may be that there is a cognitive deficit, but also It could be the case that that person pays little attention to their emotional bond.
But there can also be a problem on the part of the person who remembers absolutely everything. This member of the couple may always need to be right and act as if his truth were the only one, the only reliable account of the story of the two lovers and their shared experiences. This type of behavior could be the tip of the iceberg of an excessively neurotic and obsessive personality, a factor that can contribute to increasing levels of dissatisfaction in the relationship.
But in addition to these two possible causes that we have just mentioned, there are several reasons that could explain the appearance of relational amnesia.
1. Emotional Trauma and Unresolved Conflict
Past emotional wounds can distort memory, making negative experiences seem more significant than they actually were.
A lack of proper conflict resolution can reinforce negative recall bias.
2. Stress and Anxiety
High stress levels can impair memory retrieval, leading to fragmented recollections of past relationship events.
Anxiety can make individuals hyperfocus on negative past experiences, reinforcing relational amnesia.
3. Cognitive Biases
The negativity bias makes negative memories more impactful than positive ones.
Confirmation bias causes individuals to remember only what aligns with their current feelings about the relationship.
4. Influence of External Factors
Advice from friends or family members can reinforce selective memory, especially if they have negative opinions about the relationship.
Media consumption (e.g., romantic movies or social media comparisons) can distort reality, making past experiences seem less fulfilling.
5. Relationship Satisfaction Levels
Happy couples tend to recall more positive memories, while dissatisfied partners often focus on negative ones.
When a relationship is in crisis, past loving moments may feel insignificant or even fabricated.
How Relational Amnesia Affects Couples
1. Increased Conflict and Miscommunication
When partners have different recollections of events, it can create arguments over “who is right.”
This can lead to defensiveness, frustration, and a breakdown in communication.
2. Emotional Distance
If one partner constantly forgets or minimizes positive moments, it can make the other feel unappreciated or unloved.
Over time, this emotional disconnection can lead to resentment and withdrawal.
3. Erosion of Trust
When relational amnesia leads to rewriting history, it can cause partners to doubt each other’s honesty and intentions.
Trust issues may arise if one person consistently accuses the other of things they do not remember doing.
4. Difficulty Resolving Issues
Healthy relationships require accurate recollection of past conflicts to learn and grow.
If relational amnesia distorts reality, couples may repeat the same arguments without resolving them.
5. Increased Likelihood of Breakups
If relational amnesia becomes extreme, a partner may start believing that the relationship was never good and end it based on false perceptions.
It can also cause one partner to idealize the past in another relationship, leading to dissatisfaction with their current one.
How to Overcome Relational Amnesia
1. Keep a Relationship Journal
Writing down positive experiences, meaningful conversations, and resolved conflicts can help counteract negative memory biases.
Revisiting past journal entries can provide a more balanced perspective.
2. Focus on the Present and Future
Instead of dwelling on distorted past events, build positive new memories together.
Practicing gratitude in the relationship can help reinforce positive recall.
3. Improve Communication
Use active listening and validation techniques to acknowledge your partner’s feelings without dismissing them.
When discussing past conflicts, use phrases like “This is how I remember it, but I understand you may recall it differently”.
4. Challenge Cognitive Biases
Recognize when you are falling into black-and-white thinking or confirmation bias.
Ask yourself, “Am I remembering this fairly, or am I only focusing on the negative?”
5. Seek Professional Help
Couples therapy can help partners work through distorted memories and build a more accurate and positive relationship narrative.
A therapist can also identify underlying psychological factors contributing to relational amnesia.
FAQs About Relational Amnesia
Can relational amnesia be unintentional?
Yes, most cases of relational amnesia happen subconsciously. People do not deliberately rewrite history, but their emotions influence how they recall past events.
Why do I only remember the bad times in my relationship?
This is due to the negativity bias, a psychological tendency to prioritize negative memories over positive ones. Stress, unresolved trauma, or dissatisfaction in the relationship can reinforce this pattern.
Is relational amnesia a form of gaslighting?
No, relational amnesia is typically unintentional and based on emotional perception, whereas gaslighting is a deliberate act of manipulation to make someone doubt their own memories. However, relational amnesia can still cause similar confusion and frustration in relationships.
How can I help my partner if they suffer from relational amnesia?
Encourage open conversations about past experiences without blaming. If they consistently misremember events, gently remind them of positive memories and consider seeking couples therapy to improve communication.
Can relational amnesia be a sign of a deeper psychological issue?
Yes, in some cases, relational amnesia can be linked to trauma, anxiety disorders, or attachment issues. If memory distortions severely impact the relationship, professional guidance may be beneficial.
