Savior Syndrome: What It Is, Symptoms And Possible Causes
Ideally, human relationships should be based on reciprocity. Whether it is with a partner, friends or family, we must all support, take care of and help each other. Sometimes it is we who help, and other times it is others who help us. This mentality is essential for the social fabric to function, sewn with altruism.
However, there are people who take this to the extreme. It is not that they do not help, but that they help so much that they do not allow others to be autonomous or independent, while at the same time they themselves sacrifice so much that they neglect their interests, desires and wills. Their desire to be saviors of others falls into the pathological.
Here we will talk about the savior syndrome, a condition that manifests itself in the form of excessively dependent relationships of support and unidirectional altruism that harms both the helped and the one who helps.
Doing things for others is fundamental to our species and you could say that altruism is what sews the social fabric together. Human beings are gregarious animals that live in society, and for such a society to work it is necessary that we help each other. This idea It takes a much more concrete form with our most direct relationships, such as our partner, family, friends, children. With them, “today for you, tomorrow for me” is clear and practical.
Human relationships are based on reciprocity of mutual help. In fact, it is thanks to this idea of helping each other that our species has been able to survive throughout its history. Offering selfless help to others makes the people helped more likely to help us in future situations of need. Altruism, applied especially to our closest group, involves protection and prevents possible dangers.
However, there are people whose behavior goes beyond altruism and the simple desire to help their loved ones. This people They assume the responsibility of continually helping others, solving all their problems to the point that they forget their own needs. This desire to be the savior of others does not really help personally because their attempt to support and protect other people is so intense that it limits their autonomy and freedom. Their overprotection is suffocating.
This way of helping others while ignoring one’s own needs, this unilateral support is called savior syndrome or the Saint Bernard dog. This dysfunctional dynamic usually occurs in relationships, although it is not unusual between parents and children. It can be seen with the typical case of parents with young children for whom they take care of their entire lives, cooking for them or doing their laundry despite already being in their twenties. We also see it in the opposite direction, with children whose parents have already retired who treat them as if they were invalid elderly people and do all their paperwork for them.
Thus, we could summarize the behavior of a person with savior syndrome as always going to the rescue of others, but never of themselves. The Savior He never leaves the person he claims to care for the possibility of facing and solving his own problems, nor does he let him take an active role in his own life. He may disguise it as love, but the reality is that letting the other be an autonomous, free and independent individual is not giving love, but invalidation.
Causes of this syndrome
Savior syndrome can be due to several factors, including personality characteristics, educational styles received, demands of society and type of people with whom we interact. Rescuers usually have a pathological need for approval and acceptance from others, punctuated by the belief that, with their attitude, they secure the position of indispensable person for the person they save.
It is also worth mentioning that rescuers may show a pathological need for control. The savior feels that because others need him and depend on him for help, he has power over them. He feels that he can control them with his support.
Profile of the savior and the saved
In the savior syndrome there are, at least, two people involved: the savior himself and the person he saves, that is, the saved one. They are codependent relationships in which both are “good” with the other being by their side. People with savior syndrome assume and solve the problems of others, needing to feel essential to give meaning to their existence. When they cannot help other people, they feel extremely frustrated, unappreciated, and lost. That is why they need to find a person who requires their care.
savior
Many rescuers possess controlling traits. Generally, they do not trust the ability of the people they intend to care for to solve their problems, so they prefer to take care of it themselves under the pretext that they want to help.
As we were commenting, in many cases, behind this interest in protecting and helping others lies a need for control. While the saved one needs to be protected and cared for, the rescuer will be able to control him, and will not run the risk of being abandoned.
Ironically, in their pathological attempt to help, support and resolve the lives of others, people who take on the role of saviors They have a deep fear of facing their own conflicts, defects and shortcomings.
Saved
In the case of the saved person, we have an individual with a very dependent personality, accompanied by low self-esteem and little self-confidence. They tend to be people who find it very difficult to leave their comfort zone and have a very externalized locus of control, that is, they attribute what happens to them to external factors that do not depend on them, but on the behavior of others.
Saved people think that they do not have the power to change their situation nor are they masters of their own lives. They feel that they need to have “stronger” people by their side, more confident in themselves, someone who helps them with everything.
Symptoms and effects of savior syndrome
Both the person with savior syndrome and the person they save suffer the negative consequences associated with these dysfunctional relational dynamics. That one assumes other people’s responsibilities and the other does not take control of his life generates a dynamic of extreme dependence, having several negative effects that, generally, affect the rescuer more than the saved. If the saved person manages to acquire greater autonomy, the rescuer feels that he is losing his function or that he has even lost his sense of life.
Naturally, the rescued person suffers the negative effects of this unhealthy relationship dynamic. Being freed from her own responsibilities and problems, this makes it difficult for her to develop as an independent, autonomous person and learn problem-solving skills because there is someone who solves absolutely everything for her. This also makes it difficult for him to develop self-confidence.
The savior does not develop either because, by being concerned with solving the lives of others, he neglects himself. Dedicate all his attention and energy to solving the lives of others, solving his problems, not his or her own. That is to say, the situation arises that the savior, by helping others more than necessary, neglects himself and does not solve his own problems, which is why he does not develop; while the bran is not allowed to solve his own problems, so he does not develop either. It is ironic because a lot of help is offered and received, but it causes them to harm each other.
On the other hand, the rescuer’s capacity for control is not always assured, as there are some circumstances that can make the rescued person decide to be more autonomous and begin to want greater independence, regardless of the help or even the presence of the rescuer. This savior, Feeling that he is no longer needed by the one he helped and protected, he begins to feel lost and suffers from depressive symptoms.
This is seen a lot with some couples. Many times, they go to psychotherapy because the person becomes aware of their problem and decides to seek professional help to take an active role in their own life. The savior, on the other hand, is scared and uncomfortable with the new direction of the relationship, going so far as to say that he doesn’t like his partner that way. The rescuer begins to feel insecure, fearful of the loss of his role in the relationship, becomes depressed or ends up breaking up the relationship, if it has not already been broken when the rescuer gains greater autonomy and decides to break it himself.
People who suffer from savior syndrome base their happiness on that of the people they help, forgetting their own desires, motivations, and needs. Their own way of behaving prevents them from having the kind of life they really want, so They are very often victims of negative emotions, such as anxiety and frustration due to a satisfaction that never fully arrives. People with savior syndrome, far from having a full life by helping others, usually feel deeply sad, irritated and mentally and physically exhausted, but their fear of not being valued or being of help prevents them from breaking this dynamic.
