Feeling that we have lost self-esteem after a breakup or when we experience a crisis in relationships is very common. We tend to think and say that our relationship has “taken away” our self-esteem. Breakups are one of the most unpleasant experiences we experience and one of the biggest reasons to seek psychological help, but what really happens to our self-esteem?
Why do relationships and breakups affect our self-esteem so much? What relationship does it have with the anxiety and discouragement so common that is felt during breakups?
Although every breakup is painful, there are a series of psychological factors involved that make it a much more intense and unpleasant experience than necessary. Learning from this moment and achieving the change you need in yourself can help you not only overcome the breakup, but also build self-esteem that works stably for you, both for your life and for future relationships.
That is the objective we have in this article: for you to discover how your self-esteem works, how it relates to the breakup and how you can reinforce it in a stable way (it is not about raising self-esteem, but about building a functional style of self-esteem). What we are going to see in this article is always linked to the learning done by people who live their change processes in consultation. Let’s go for it.
Relationships are one of the experiences where we find the most well-being, learning and difficulties in our lives. If you have experienced or are experiencing a breakup, it is important to understand that the first step is always to validate the pain. For this reason, any experience that gives you temporary well-being can help you, but the problem persists.
Knowing how to deal with a breakup in a functional way (which implies that it does not limit or condition you for future relationships or for your way of interpreting what happens) implies that we understand what our sensations are due to.
In relationships we experience an intimate bond where we dissolve. We share well-being, ideas, and also projects, to such an extent that our individuality dissolves to a certain extent in the relationship. Over time, fears and insecurities arise because we cannot control our relationships (of any kind, since they are shared with another person whose decisions, processes and attitudes are beyond our control).
When we experience a breakup we feel that our well-being and experiences are vulnerable, that they do not depend on you, our fears and insecurities can transform into anxiety and discouragement can also occur. We feel that we “lose” self-esteem because Our well-being does not depend mainly on us, but on that external factor that we cannot control.
Psychological factors involved in breakups
It is normal and necessary to validate that a breakup makes you uncomfortable and represents a kind of crisis (breakups are also opportunities to redefine ourselves). Whether they are so unpleasant and condition you so much depends above all on three factors.
1. Loss of well-being
If your well-being depended too much on the relationship, A breakup leads us towards discouragement due to the loss of that experience. In relationships we experience well-being, but it is important that it depends mainly on you, on maintaining your priorities, habits and routines. A breakup is an opportunity to build a more functional self-esteem.
2. Self-esteem
If you feel that you have lost self-esteem, it is not because of what is happening in the relationship (this would imply that your well-being depends on factors that you cannot control) but because of how your self-esteem worked (in a dependent way) or because your experiences in the relationship have ended up making you lose focus and identity.
3. Anxiety and emotions
It is common to feel unpleasant emotions during breakups, but when we do not know how to understand and manage those emotions they end up transform into anxiety, and over time, into discouragement (Discouragement is a consequence of the exhaustion caused by anxiety).
What really is self-esteem and how is it related to breakups?
We tend to understand self-esteem as self-love, and we also think that we have lost it or it has been taken away from us. However, this way of thinking means that we see self-esteem as an object (something we can lose) when in reality it is a system (a way of living, feeling and acting).
Self-esteem is a way of relating to yourself through which a relationship with the world flows You cannot lose your self-esteem, since it is part of you. It also cannot be high or low, since it is not an object. Your self-esteem actually works for you or not, makes you happy or not, in relation to one main factor: whether your well-being depends mainly on you (what you do, how you do it, your interpretations) or depends more on external factors that you cannot control (how others behave, their interpretations, how they reward you, etc.).
Human beings are social beings and we need to live quality relationships. They are bonds where we share well-being, but if your well-being depends on that bond, expectations, comparisons and judgments will end up arising that weaken the relationship or affect you more in the breakup.
What to do about this problem?
Let’s focus now on the solutions, on improve your self-esteem through your own learning and personal change.
If you feel that a breakup affects you too much, influences your self-esteem or perhaps has left you with learning that limits you, temporary relief will not help you. What is necessary is to live a process of profound but practical change, where you apply concrete changes that lead you to build functional self-esteem in a stable way.
It is important to work according to priorities:
1. Reduce anxiety
Anxiety is linked above all to the way you breathe (faster and shallower, hence the classic discomfort in the chest or pit of the stomach). When we learn to breathe fully, the intensity of anxiety decreases, It is easier for us to rest, also reduce discouragement and face learning.
Where your well-being depends mainly on you, your routines, priorities, decisions and habits. This will help you not only to be well, but also to make future relationships more positive and assertive.
3. Work with a routine adapted to your character
During breakups, it is common to live according to a routine that harms us even more (looking at our cell phones too much, lack of interest in self-care, etc.). It is important to build a routine adapted to your character (more introverted or extraverted), to recover pleasant sensations that depend on you and your decisions.
4. Manage your emotions
An essential learning that will help you understand and manage them better, so that they are not so intense and frequent, and above all, so that you live and relate with more acceptance and confidence.
A learning about you
Your self-esteem, then, does not “rise” as if it were an elevator just because you value yourself. That is a remedy that may work, but only temporarily. Living a process of change where you learn about yourself, how you manage what you feel, and where your self-esteem works in a stable way (through trust and acceptance, but also assertively) will make your well-being depend mainly on you.
To achieve this learning, it is necessary to work not only with your self-esteem or with the breakup, but with all parts of your personality: your way of approaching relationships, self-knowledge, values, emotion management.
In addition, it is especially valuable to have constant company and for any needs or questions you have (not just sporadic sessions). If this is what you want, remember at Human Empowerment you can request a first session to get to know us, delve deeper into your case and see how we can solve it 100%.
