The 5 Stages Of Grief (when A Family Member Dies)
The loss of a loved one is one of the experiences that produces the most psychological pain. However, within this type of painful experiences there are nuances, different ways of experiencing grief both emotionally and cognitively.
This idea is what psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed in her theory of the 5 stages of grief, published in 1969 in the book On Death and Dying. This idea serves to better understand the way in which grief feels. people in the grieving phase and how they tend to act.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a Swiss-American psychiatrist born in 1926 who specialized in palliative care. and in near-death situations. After working for years in contact with terminally ill patients, he developed the famous Kübler-Ross model in which he establishes 5 stages of grief.
Although the name of this theory may seem to indicate the opposite, Kübler-Ross did not conclude that after the death of a loved one one goes through five phases that always occur in order, sequentially.
What this researcher did was, rather, define five mental states that act as a reference to understand how the evolution of the mourner occurs, from the moment they know that their loved one has died until they accept this new situation.
This means that not all people in the grieving phase have to go through the 5 stages. and that those that cross do not always appear in the same order. However, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross considered that these stages were useful as a system of categories to be able to conceptualize in a relatively simple way all the nuances of the way in which grief is managed, a phase that in some cases is expressed through emotional lability.
The 5 stages of grief
In summary, the 5 stages of grief after the death of someone loved are described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross as follows.
Denying the reality that someone is no longer with us because they have died helps cushion the blow. and postpone part of the pain that that news causes us. Although it may seem like an unrealistic option, it is useful for our body, since it helps prevent the change in mood from being so sudden that it harms us.
Denial can be explicit or non-explicit, that is, although we express ourselves verbally accepting the information that the loved one has died, in practice we behave as if this were a temporary fiction, that is, a role that we have to play. without us completely believing it.
In other cases, the denial is explicit, and the possibility that death has occurred is directly denied.
Denial cannot be sustained indefinitely. because it collides with the reality that has not yet been fully accepted, so we end up abandoning this stage.
2. Stage of anger
The anger and resentment that appear at this stage are the result of the frustration caused by knowing that death has occurred and that nothing can be done to fix or reverse the situation.
Grief produces a deep sadness that we know cannot be alleviated by acting on its cause, because death is not reversible. Besides, Death is perceived as the result of a decision, and that is why culprits are sought. Thus, in this phase of the crisis what dominates is disruption, the clash of two ideas (that life is desirable and that death is inevitable) with a very strong emotional charge, so it is easy Let there be outbursts of anger.
Thus, that is why a strong feeling of anger appears that is projected in all directions, as neither a solution nor someone can be found who can be held completely responsible for the death.
Although part of us knows that it is unfair, anger is directed against people who are not to blame for anything, or even against animals and objects.
At this stage we try to create a fiction that allows us to see death as a possibility that we are in a position to prevent from happening. Somehow, offers the fantasy of being in control of the situation.
In negotiation, which can occur before or after death occurs, we fantasize about reversing the process and seek strategies to make that possible. For example, it is common to try to negotiate with divine or supernatural entities to prevent death from occurring in exchange for changing one’s lifestyle and “reforming.”
Likewise, pain is relieved by imagining that we have gone back in time and that no life is in danger. But this stage is brief because it does not fit with reality either and, furthermore, it is exhausting to think about solutions all the time.
4. Stage of depression
In the stage of depression (which is not itself the type of depression that is considered a mental disorder, but rather a set of similar symptoms), We stop fantasizing about parallel realities and return to the present with a deep feeling of emptiness. because the loved one is no longer there.
Here a strong sadness appears that cannot be mitigated by excuses or by imagination, and that leads us to enter an existential crisis when considering the irreversibility of death and the lack of incentives to continue living in a reality in which being dear is not there. That is to say, not only do you have to learn to accept that the other person is gone, but you also have to start living in a reality that is defined by that absence.
At this stage it is normal for us to isolate ourselves more and feel more tired, unable to conceive the idea that we are going to get out of that state of sadness and melancholy.
5. Acceptance stage
It is at the moment in which you accept the death of your loved one that you learn to continue living in a world in which they are no longer there, and It is accepted that this feeling of improvement is good. In part, this phase occurs because the emotional pain of grief fades over time, but it is also necessary to actively reorganize the ideas that make up our mental schema.
It is not a happy stage as opposed to the rest of the stages of grief, but at first it is characterized rather by a lack of intense feelings and fatigue. Little by little the ability to experience joy and pleasure returns, and from that situation things usually return to normal.
A cycle to feel better
As we have seen, grief can take many forms, causing the feeling of loss to transform as our way of experiencing that experience matures. The key is in the way we learn to living with the idea that what we loved will no longer be present whether it was a person, an object or a part of our own body.
To overcome these losses, At first they are usually felt through a feeling of hopelessness and restlessness. we must come to accept that from that moment on we will have to live in a different world, one in which what we long for is no longer there.
Eventually, it is possible to reconcile with this reality and move forward maintaining a balanced and healthy mental health, whether having resorted to psychotherapy or not, if it was not necessary. Virtually no event is terrible enough that we cannot overcome it in one way or another, making an effort and investing time in it. Empirical evidence shows that in the vast majority of cases there is a mental recovery after intensely painful events such as the death of a loved one.
