The 80 Best Quotes by Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright is an American actor, producer and writer, named by Comedy Central as one of the greatest comedians, ranking 23rd on the list of the 100 best stand-up comedians. His humor is characterized by being dry, ironic and philosophical which, although sometimes they do not seem to make sense, leaves us with a strange feeling of reflection.

In this selection of the best quotes from Steven Wright You will find a compilation of his wit and observations.

The most memorable Steven Wright quotes

Thanks to his character and humor, he managed to win an Oscar for his short film, ‘The Appointments of Dennis Jennings’. To learn more about his life and profession, don’t miss these quotes and reflections by Steven Wright.

1. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

The important thing is to keep insisting until you achieve it.

2. Monday is a horrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Many people are not fans of Mondays.

3. Support bacteria: These are the only culture some people have.

Health also depends on our exterior.

4. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, can it be considered a hostage assault?

An example of Steven Wright’s acid humor. Without fear of laughing at any situation.

5. Borrow money from pessimists: They don’t expect it back.

Pay your debts, because they can grow over time.

6. I am writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Only you know the truths of your life, because they are your experiences.

7. Having a clear conscience is a sign of bad memory.

We all have some mistake that we must remedy.

8. There are people who are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

A peculiar kind of fear.

9. I have an existential map. It has “you are here” written all over it.

We all go through different ‘existential’ stages, both positive and negative.

10. When I die, I will donate my body to science fiction.

Would you dare to donate your body when you die?

11. I have the largest collection of shells in the world. I keep it on all the beaches in the world.

You can collect things and respect nature.

12. I’m trying to live forever. So far it’s going very well.

We live fully when we enjoy what we do.

13. I have a world map… real size. It says: scale one kilometer equals one kilometer. I spent last summer deploying it.

The world is big.

14. I hate when my leg falls asleep during the day, I know that means it will be awake all night.

It is never pleasant to suffer from insomnia.

15. I have written a few children’s books, but not on purpose.

Sometimes our talent develops without looking for it.

16. You can walk to all places if you have time.

If you want to travel, take the time to explore its places on foot.

17. Every time I think about the past it brings back many memories.

It is inevitable, that is why we should not cling to the past.

18. Hermits don’t feel social pressure.

They know when is the best time to retire.

19. I believe God is going to come down and pull civilization by speeding.

God may not be happy with what we do in this world.

20. What young person can die of old age?

The one who does not find a direction to move forward.

21. I met a wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was going clothes shopping and I was putting on Slinkies on the escalator.

A terrible way to meet someone, at least you know what can happen.

22. If you are in a spaceship traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does something happen?

An interesting question.

23. Why don’t they make the entire plane with that black box?

Talking about the resistance of the black box that does not match that of the plane.

24. Experience is something you don’t get until right after you need it.

The things you need don’t always arrive on time.

25. 7 percent of all statistics are composed on the spot.

It is our actions that speak for us and create a mark.

26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Closings do not have to be perfect, but they must provide closure.

27. A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a photo of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “I wish you were here.”

We have all wanted to go to space at some point.

28. Let laughter cure all your ailments with these fun ones.

Laughter is an excellent way to solve problems or ward off stress.

29. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

The only way to move forward is to put aside what is not important.

30. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms of the statues that are in all the other museums.

About museums that have pieces from other parts of the world and not from their own country.

31. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

A form of reverse déjá vu.

32. If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents, then someone, somewhere, is making a penny.

Many of our thoughts are directed to someone.

33. Depression is simply anger without enthusiasm.

A peculiar way of observing depression.

34. If a man says something in the forest and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

A funny comment about women always trying to be right.

35. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he will believe you. Tell him that a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

People can be quite manipulable.

36. I have an inferiority complex, but it is not very good.

No complex is positive for us.

37. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people seem brilliant until they speak.

Remember that appearances can lie, that’s why we must know people well.

38. My dream was so strong that I forced myself to do what I was horrified by. I was a nervous wreck.

To get where we want we must face the things that scare us.

39. I woke up one morning, (my girlfriend) asked me if I slept well. I said: No, I made some mistakes.

Rest at night is essential to have a good day.

40. Invoices travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

It seems like we only live to pay.

41. I was given birth by cesarean section. It is not something that you can easily realize, apart from my habit of always leaving houses through a window.

A character manifested from birth?

42. When I get bored I like to go to a central neighborhood, grab a great parking spot, and count how many people ask me if I’m going to leave.

Having a hobby helps us not get bored.

43. I only have a relationship with my imagination. He’s like my friend, almost.

Imagination is an incredible skill, but we must not let it dominate us.

44. I wrote a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.

Could it be that these are the thoughts of a baby?

45. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough common sense to be lazy.

Ambition can lead us down the wrong path.

46. ​​I need one of those baby monitors for my subconscious and my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.

A tool that many of us would appreciate.

47. You never know what you have until you lose it, and I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.

Sometimes getting rid of things helps us have a clearer mind.

48. Always remember your unique self, like everyone else.

The point of being unique is to not be afraid to be ourselves.

49. The other night I was lying in bed, looking at the stars and wondering: Where the hell is my roof?

Enjoy and be grateful for the things you have.

50. Last night I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went crazy.

There will always be someone who gets upset by what you do.

51. When I was in school, teachers told me that practice makes perfect; Then they told me that no one is perfect, so I stopped practicing.

Nobody is perfect, but we can continue to improve every day.

52. The best kind of friend is the kind you sit down with, never say a word, and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

A great friend is one who keeps you company even if he is silent.

53. I just left the hospital. I had a speed reading accident. I hit a marker and flew across the room.

Rushed things don’t turn out well.

54. I woke up one morning and all my things had been stolen and replaced with exact duplicates.

There are people who suffer from a mental illness that makes them believe that their surroundings are a farce, even though everything looks the same.

55. What happens if you are scared half to death twice?

You get used to it or you develop trauma.

56. The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of bread.

There are things that get along well with each other, because they are made for each other.

57. Raise your hand to all those who believe in psychokinesis.

We have all once believed in superhuman powers.

58. A conscience is what hurts when all the other parts of you feel so good.

All our fears and guilt live in our conscience and if we do not resolve them, they will always hurt.

59. It’s like the Wild West, Internet. No rules.

The Internet can be a very dangerous place if we are not careful.

60. I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast any time’. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Would you like to travel to the past?

61. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

There is always a surprise around every corner.

62. Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Not everyone has the opportunity to ski.

63. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem above all.

The closest we have to the truth of words.

64. When everything is coming at you, you are in the wrong lane.

Something that reminds us to always prepare for the worst.

65. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Our mind has a life of its own and if we do not control it, it can be a big problem.

66. Will Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Or will they only have iced tea?

67. I have been practicing abstract painting a lot lately, extremely abstract, without a brush, without paint, without a canvas. I just think about it.

A painting that stays in the mind.

68. Sponges live in the ocean. That surprises me, I wonder how deep the ocean would have been if that didn’t happen?

Could it be that sponges absorb sea water?

69. If Barbie is so popular why do we have to buy her friends.

One person cannot do everything.

70. If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how will we know?

Not everything we see is true, so we have to investigate more.

71. Last night I stayed up playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a Full and four people died.

Have you ever had your tarot read?

72. The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you wake up and doesn’t stop working until you go to work.

The brain is a mystery that also has its selective tastes.

73. The other day I broke a mirror. They say it’s seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer tells me he can get me five.

Everything can be resolved with a good lawyer.

74. Yesterday I put a skylight on the roof. The upstairs neighbors are furious.

A reference to being reckless.

75. There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Patience is a virtue in fishing.

76. Black holes are the places in the Universe where God divided by zero.

The truth is that black holes are an enigma.

77. The early bird gets the worm, but it is the second mouse that gets the cheese.

Being the first does not always mean being the best.

78. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.

The power of instant coffee.

79. Stealing ideas from a person is plagiarism; Stealing from many is investigating.

Inspiration should not be synonymous with imitation.

80. If you don’t succeed at first, skydiving is definitely not for you.

We have to be careful with the things we try.