Some time ago I began to wonder how I could help my clients—and myself—develop more love and appreciation for oneself. This topic is on everyone’s lips today, and we see it reflected on social networks and in advertising slogans: What can you offer to others if you have no love for yourself? This question makes all the logic in the world. However, although it is easy to say, applying it is much more difficult, since most of us have not been trained to do it since childhood. We have been taught to work hard, to be self-critical, to put the needs of others first, but how many of us have learned to be kind to ourselves?
It was through Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), developed by psychologist Paul Gilbert, where I understood that Compassion is the key to achieving an inclusive and healthy connection with both others and ourselves. Compassion goes far beyond feeling sorry or being “good.” It is the ability to understand and accept our suffering and imperfections, while developing the genuine desire to alleviate that suffering.
To develop compassion as a tool for emotional regulation, we need to train it in three fundamental areas: offer compassion to others, accept compassion from others and, very importantly, generate compassion for ourselves. This last aspect, self-compassion, is often the most difficult. It is natural for us to comfort a friend who is going through a bad time, but how often are we able to offer that same comfort to ourselves?
Self-compassion does not mean “forgiving everything” or being forgiving. It means treating ourselves with kindness and understanding when we fail, without beating ourselves up or punishing ourselves with negative thoughts. Instead of seeing our mistakes as failures, self-compassion allows us to see them as opportunities for growth and learning. How can we offer compassion if we are not nourishing ourselves with it in a balanced way? This question leads us to rethink the importance of self-care, of learning to live with ourselves as if we were our best friend.
To advance this process, it is crucial to know our own emotional states. According to Paul Gilbert’s research, we can divide these states into three systems: the threat system, the achievement system and the calm system.
Each of these systems is associated with different motivations, feelings, behaviors and chemical processes in the brain. When we are in the threat system, our brain is on alert, looking for possible dangers and perceiving everything around us as a potential threat. This can be useful in situations of real danger, but living in this state constantly causes anxiety, stress and, in the long term, exhaustion.
On the other hand, the achievement system drives us to pursue goals, to move forward and to feel satisfied with our achievements. Although it is essential to our productivity and sense of purpose, it is also It can lead us to exhaustion if we do not balance it with the calm system. The latter is the system we need to activate to feel safe, calm and connected. It is the state in which we can enjoy life, where we feel at peace and allow ourselves to simply be.
Working with a professional, we learn to identify each system when it is in action, gaining valuable knowledge about the moments or circumstances in which each one is activated, and which one we wish to promote in our lives. This knowledge becomes a kind of emotional map that we can use to better navigate our daily lives.
An exercise in self-awareness: the emotional traffic light
A practical exercise we use in therapy is the visualization of an internal traffic light: the color red represents the threat system, blue the achievement system, and green the calm and connection system. When we feel like we are “in the red,” it is an indication that we feel threatened or stressed; when we are “in blue”, we are in achievement mode, focused on our goals; and when we reach “green”, we are in a state of peace and connection.
This visualization exercise allows patients to identify what state they are in at any given moment and take conscious steps to change it if necessary.
An example of application: the case of Carolina
Carolina came to therapy often feeling angry at the world, dissatisfied with her job, and had ultimately requested medical leave due to physical and psychological exhaustion, or what we commonly know as burnout syndrome. Every day he woke up feeling that he had to “fight” the world, that everything was a threat and that nothing he did was enough. His days were marked by pressure, perfectionism and constant self-criticism.
During the first sessions, We analyze which of these systems it used to be in. We observed that Carolina usually moved in the red system (threat). We spent time identifying what activated this system in her, what ruminative thoughts fueled it, and how she disconnected from her own resources to activate the green system (calm and connected). We did exercises so that he could detect the moment when his threat system began to activate and, instead of getting carried away by it, he would learn to activate the calm system.
Little by little, through mindfulness techniques and specific exercises, Carolina learned to respond to herself with more compassion and activate the green system when she needed it. He learned that he could offer himself words of encouragement, instead of judgment; that he could take a moment of rest without feeling guilty; that her well-being did not depend on her productivity, but on how she treated herself.
Learning to recognize our limits—which we so often ignore—, becoming aware of how we treat ourselves, reducing self-criticism, being clear and compassionate when communicating with others and asking for help when we need it are changes that make a big difference. Becoming our best friends creates well-being in all areas of our lives and improves our relationships, starting with the one we have with ourselves.
When we begin to cultivate self-compassion, we notice a profound transformation: our days stop being a constant struggle and become an opportunity to grow and take care of ourselves. Our relationships with others become more fluid and authentic, as we stop projecting our insecurities and begin to connect from a safe place. Ultimately, self-compassion not only improves our mental health, but creates comprehensive well-being that impacts all areas of our lives.
I’m Emily Williams Jones, a psychologist specializing in mental health with a focus on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness. With a Ph.D. in psychology, my career has spanned research, clinical practice and private counseling. I’m dedicated to helping individuals overcome anxiety, depression and trauma by offering a personalized, evidence-based approach that combines the latest research with compassionate care.
