When we talk about self-esteem, it is often characterized as something that only has to do with the relationship we have with ourselves, with our identity.
In part, this is not surprising: cultivating good self-esteem seems to be something based on introspection, on how we manage our feelings and how we reflect on what that “I” means. But in reality, the thing is more complex than that, and also includes our personal relationships. In fact, our way of relating to others is part of both the causes of having one or another type of self-esteem, and the consequences of the latter.
In this article we will see How our self-esteem influences us in the world of relationships, and what we can do to avoid problems in this regard
Let’s start with the most important thing: what does the word “self-esteem” mean? It consists of the set of mental representations that make up our concept of “I”, and of emotions and feelings that we associate with our identity. That is, in summary, we could say that Self-esteem is what we believe about ourselves and how we feel about it
Of course, self-esteem is not a simple description of how we are; It also includes moral notions about what we should be, and about how far we are from that ideal “I” toward which we should strive. People with very low self-esteem feel that they are very far from that model to become, and those with a well-balanced self-esteem feel that they are close to it, although they continue to have motivation to continue improving.
Furthermore, self-esteem is not something static, but rather it evolves either; sometimes without intending to, and sometimes because of what we do deliberately to improve our self-esteem.
Self-esteem in relationships
The way we see and value ourselves has a lot to do with the way we initiate and manage relationships. We must not forget that, although a courtship or marriage is based on a strong bond and commitment, individuality is not lost. And in this sense, there is another relationship to take into account in a relationship: the one we maintain with ourselves.
These are some of the aspects in which they can interact, giving rise to problems:
On the other hand, It is one thing to suffer from relationship problems caused by low self-esteem or vice versa, and another thing is to know how to address them correctly so that they stop causing us emotional pain and communication problems. Luckily, there are several ways to address these issues, and the most effective have to do with going to psychotherapy.
What to do to improve self-esteem in relationships?
As we have seen, improving self-esteem does not only involve reflecting on who we are; It also includes the management of emotions and our way of interacting with others. To achieve this in the context of a relationship, keep these tips in mind:
1. Maintain exciting projects beyond the relationship
You must be able to maintain a life project that includes stimulating and relevant aspects for you beyond the relationship. For example, developing an artistic skill, playing sports, learning languages to come into contact with other cultures… Otherwise, your entire self-esteem will depend on experiences that depend in part on the same person: your partner.
2. Make your contributions to the relationship count
A relationship can erode one’s self-esteem if emphasis is constantly placed on the sacrifices and efforts that one of the people has made to make that relationship viable and maintain it, and the sacrifices that the other person has made in that regard are made invisible.
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3. Don’t let your motivation be the fear of rejection
It is important to detect cases in which what moves us most when it comes to relating to our partner is the fear that he or she will leave us. The source of motivation to be with that person should be focused on the positive experiences they give us, not the negative experiences they could give us.
Related article: “Emotional dependence: pathological addiction to your romantic partner”
4. Allow your partner to support you in your personal improvement process
The person you love can help you progress toward the goals you have set for yourself and that are meaningful to you. In this way, you will be taking advantage of the potential in your love relationship as a support that helps you show yourself what you are capable of.
5. Don’t let the other person call you names that bother you
It is very common for nicknames used as affectionate nicknames to be used in relationships. However, sometimes the lack of assertiveness means that when these nicknames cause discomfort, nothing is said.
6. Don’t let him make you feel bad about your achievements
There are toxic couple dynamics, often based on jealousy, in which the other person’s achievements are seen as a threat or a destabilizing factor in the relationship. These situations often result in one person emotionally blackmailing the other, making them believe that they are to blame for the relationship going wrong, even though it is actually this controlling mentality that is a problem.
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