How many times have you heard it said “You don’t have to be sad” or “You have to find happiness”? It is very likely that many times, since our social context is full of messages of this style. All of this is the result of living in a culture in which, from the moment we are born, They are telling us that we should avoid any signs of suffering as quickly as we can.
In this sense, when we live aware of anything that can negatively affect our experiences, “under the skin”, such as thoughts and emotions, that is when we take measures to prevent them from happening. And, therefore, this is when problems that we do not want are most likely to arise.
This way of working may be very logical. It is almost unthinkable to imagine that someone likes to suffer. However, when it is very established and difficult to change and goes against what we value most, the disadvantages begin to be noticed in many areas, leaving our lives subject to eliminating suffering at all costs.
This is a very common way of regulating ourselves emotionally and many people get trapped, without understanding what is really happening or why it is so difficult for them to manage their lives. In this article We will talk about emotional regulation and understand how we get trapped.
In general, we can say that emotional regulation consists of the behaviors and skills that we implement when We want to influence the emotions we feel, when we have them, and the way we experience and express them.
An also important aspect is the role that our context and our personal goals have when we choose emotional regulation strategies. Thus, an adaptive way of regulating our emotions is one that takes into account the demands of our environment and our important life goals.
An example is worth a thousand words
Imagine that your work is very important to you and you have to make a presentation of a project in front of many people. The bad thing about all this is that you get nervous when you have to speak in public.
However, the best way to deal with this situation would be to make the presentation even when you want to run away and avoid those unpleasant sensations, taking into account that your work is very important to you and makes you feel like a fulfilled person, worth having a hard time during that moment. The good news is that when you’ve done this a few times, it may not be as difficult as it was at first.
This is how we get trapped…
As we have been talking about until now, the way we regulate our emotions is problematic when we act according to those messages that are so widely spread socially that tell us “you should not think or feel this or that”, establishing a prevailing and “correct” but maladaptive way. to manage our emotions.
That is to say, we begin to deliberately avoid internal situations or experiences (like emotions) trying to suppress them and changing their form and occurrence.
Thus, this way of moving in the world becomes a necessary prerequisite to be able to function effectively and, consequently, our life is getting narrower and narrower getting trapped and leaving aside everything that matters to us and we value most in our lives.
There is no magic recipe that will make our emotions disappear, but we can learn to manage them adaptively without letting them dominate our lives. Some general guidelines are as follows.
1. Be aware and understand your emotions
It is important that you know that emotions are natural. Identify what emotion you are experiencing at a given moment and what situation or event generates it. Realize that, given certain circumstances, it is normal for our emotions to awaken: anxiety prepares us and makes us act in dangerous situations, so it is normal and adaptive to feel it in the event of a car accident, for example.
2. Accept them as they are
In addition to the fact that emotions have meaning, they also take up space and time. Given a particular situation, an emotion can appear, increase its intensity and, after a certain time, that intensity decreases again without us doing anything about it. Accept that they appear and don’t stop living your life for them.
3. Keep in mind your valuable life directions
Don’t forget the most important thing: the vital directions that you value most. Reflect on whether what you are doing with your emotions is preventing you from following those directions, whether they have narrowed your life and you have lost your way. Think about what is most important to you: whether to stop feeling an unpleasant emotion or feel satisfaction from acting following your valuable directions.
If you need more information and specific guidance, in the center PsychoAlmería, both online and in person, a team of psychologists will help you in a personalized way so that you can properly regulate your emotions; They will assist you so that you can understand and accept your emotions without them limiting your personal goals.
