Tips to Get Over Divorce

So that the experience of divorce As painless as possible, it is important to first know what the dissolution of a marriage really means. Luz Yolanda Tortolero Peña Alfaro, psychotherapist, founder and general director of CEDHAP, Terapia México (Center for the Development of Psycholinguistic Skills) reminds us that marriage is an emotional bond that two people create to share interests, talk and move towards a future with respect , sincerity, trust in others, freedom, solidarity, flexibility and fun, showing love every day. There are many factors that determine whether a marriage is working. As Tortolero tells us, it is necessary for the couple to show flexibility when it comes to sharing customs and habits that they have already had before. Fun, satisfying sexual activity, family and friends, time dedicated to oneself and marriage, points of view, values ​​and adaptation to life as a couple rather than alone determine balance and happiness in a marriage. The problem arises when we become disillusioned with our partner and realize that what we expected from this person does not match what he or she really is.

In this PsicologíaOnline article, we give some tips for getting over a divorce that can be of great help.

Common reactions after a divorce

When a marriage ends, the most common reactions are, as Tortolero tells us, hopelessness, depression, guilt, uncertainty, fear of loneliness, anger, anger, revenge, self-destructive behaviors such as eating disorders or alcohol or drug consumption, obsessive control behaviors such as espionage, physical aggression, and finally defamation within social circles and/or social networks.

These reactions show us that with the end of marriage a victim and aggressor relationship The psychotherapist reminds us that, to come to an agreement with our ex-partner, it is precisely aggressive behaviors that we should avoid.

How to get over a divorce with children

Divorce is usually easier when the couple does not have children together, otherwise contact between both people will continue at least until the children are of age. The obligation to call your ex-partner to agree with him about who will spend time with the children next weekend makes the already difficult process of getting over the divorce difficult.

“It is recommended take time to grieve to vent the pain, heal the wounds, value the good in that relationship, be grateful for how little or how much you have experienced and decide to come out of your shell to live again, learning what you should stop doing and what you can do from today. “, Tortolero recommends us.

“When you have children, I recommend first accepting that you are going to be parents all your life and therefore begin to be willing, for the well-being of the children, to communicate healthily initiating cohabitation or visitation agreements with their children, also those related to maintenance, education, health, following routines at already established times, among others,” he adds.

He also recommends us talk to children so that they understand that it is not their fault that mom and dad are no longer together. We recommend telling them the following: “When mom and dad met, they loved each other but over the years problems arose that they could no longer resolve and for that reason they decided to separate.”

It is prohibited, as the psychotherapist reminds us, to use children to transmit economic needs or to act as spies for the ex-partner.

How to get over an unwanted divorce

With divorce comes the impossibility of a future together, and this decision hurts because at the moment of “I do” you didn’t think there would be an end. There are some fundamental steps that Tortolero recommends to get over an unwanted divorce and which we describe below.

• Don’t feel guilty You were a couple, not a person. Therefore, two people have been responsible for the dissolution of the marriage. If the two people were responsible for maintaining the love, the two people are responsible for the shared dreams not coming true.
• Let off steam There’s nothing wrong if you’re on the street and you can’t contain the urge to cry.
• Remember that this pain will not always be a linear process Normally the first months after divorce will be more difficult, but it is also possible to have relapses. Many people who are going through a divorce may feel much better and suddenly feel practically the same as they did in the first few weeks.
• Accept that on certain dates you might feel worse Relapses after having felt much better are an unexpected reaction that can happen on an important date such as a birthday, an anniversary, Christmas celebrations or Father’s or Mother’s Day, because these days come with intense memories that are less. It is important to accept that these episodes of sadness can happen, and that they are completely normal.
• Accept the situation It is important to accept the consequences of divorce instead of denying them. If your ex-partner no longer loves you, she accepts this reality.
• Lose attachment to everything experienced during the marriage It is time to let go of the happy moments, because for a reason they are in the past. It’s time to live in the present.
• Learn There are many lessons we can take from divorce, and if we learn from our mistakes and recognize where we went wrong, what we did wrong, and what we didn’t do, we will avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
• Separate ideals from realities Tortolero reminds us that we might have idealized our ex-partner, and that the ideals (our expectations) might have been too high.
• Don’t play the victim Instead of feeling hate or resentment, and instead of blaming your ex-partner for everything that is not going well in your life right now, find a way to be happy and improve everything you don’t like in your life. The situation will always be the same, and you can’t do anything to change the fact that you are divorced, but you will be able to handle this situation much better if you see it from a positive point of view, rather than if you see it from a place of resentment.
• Give another meaning to your life “Resigning is not the same as re-signifying oneself, that is, rebuilding ME, because life goes on and I have the right to be happy,” he reminds us. To build a different life we ​​must learn to live differently, enjoying life and giving thanks for all the opportunities and experiences we have in our daily lives. Be excited about all the wonderful experiences and all the incredible changes that are about to come to your life.
• Enjoy what makes you happy Be grateful for having great children (if you have children together), feel fulfilled by having a job you love, and spend more time with your friends and family.

What do I do if I am having difficulties in my marriage?

Tortolero reminds us that we can have doubts and sadness even if there has been violence in the marriage, or even if there has been coexistence only for the good and happiness of our children. If you don’t know if divorce is the solution, the psychotherapist recommends ask yourself the following questions:

• Am I happy in my marriage? I love my couple?
• What am I doing to enjoy my marriage?
• What am I stopping doing to enjoy my marriage? What can I change?
• What pillars have been fractured in my relationship? Do I want to rebuild them? If not, what’s stopping me?
• Are the children living an abusive or dysfunctional family model that they could repeat when they grow up? If your answer is affirmative, you will need to propose certain changes. Ask yourself what family model you want your children to have, and communicate these thoughts to your partner.
• Should I ask a specialist for help to help my partner love himself and have a marriage in which dignity and respect prevail?

Recognize if you need professional help

Going to a psychologist should not be taboo, although unfortunately negative opinions about receiving professional help still persist.

“It is recommended to ask for professional help when communication between the couple is completely fractured and it is impossible to achieve a cordial approach since both want to have control,” Tortolero recommends.

“When anger, resentment, hatred, despair, sadness and revenge are your “weapons” and flexibility and prudence are ruled out, it is convenient request a conciliator or psychotherapist specialized so that they reach favorable and balanced agreements for both.”

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

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