Unconscious Expectations And Self-esteem: How Are They Related To Our Well-being?
We are often only satisfied with ourselves when we meet certain expectations They can be our own expectations or expectations that others have of us, or that we believe others have of us. Expectations play a very important role in our emotional well-being, becoming parameters from which we want to evaluate our performance as people, which we relate to “self-worth.”
On the contrary, when we feel inadequate or insecure, it may be because we feel that we are not yet meeting certain expectations and we believe that we can only be happy with ourselves if we achieve them. Thus, our expectations are directly related to our self-esteem. Like at work, where we also get money (hence value) for completing tasks.
What do expectations have to do with our self-esteem?
The problem with the connection between expectations and self-esteem is that it predisposes us to continually think that we lack Furthermore, we cannot always perform in the same way and there are many factors that influence our lives that we cannot control. For example, illnesses, accidents or other blows of fate.
People who are experiencing a serious illness often talk about how they are bothered not only by the pain that comes with it, but also by the idea of being a burden to others. Not being able to work and perform the way they expect makes them feel insufficient.
So self-esteem should not depend solely on whether we meet all the expectations we have of ourselves. At the same time it is impossible to completely free ourselves from having expectations. In this sense, an important job is to identify, question and, if necessary, reformulate our expectations in such a way that they better adapt to our current reality.
A person who is experiencing a serious illness cannot and does not have to expect to go to work in the same way they are used to. An alternative expectation for the moment he is going through would be to follow certain instructions the doctor has given him (for example, watch his diet) and say to himself, “If I do this, that is enough for now.”
Making a list of what we currently expect of ourselves can be an interesting exercise. All we need is a sheet of paper with the title “Should I…” and/or “I must…”. How would we continue these sentences? For example: I should be nice to everyone, I need to earn more money, I should have more friends, I need to do something important for humanity.
So let’s ask ourselves: What do I think I need to do right now? What are the achievements I expect from myself? To what extent am I dissatisfied with myself and why? What conditions have I not yet met? The next step is to question these expectations. Are they meaningful, useful, realistic, fair to myself? Would you expect the same from others? And also very important: where do these expectations come from?
The expectations we place on ourselves often arise unconsciously, which is why it is so important that we write down and address them. It’s also interesting to wonder to what extent these expectations are actually our own expectations and how often they are more about meeting the expectations of others (parents, partners, children).
What we expect of ourselves is what we believe we should do or how we should be, so expectations are directly related to our beliefs Beliefs are like our own ideas and assumptions (also often unconscious) about the world, ourselves, the future and the past, other people and relationships. Through our life experiences, we have learned these assumptions from others (for example, from our parents) or have constructed them ourselves (as personal conclusions).
The construction of belief and expectations
The best way to understand what beliefs are and how they build our expectations is with an example. Let’s say that a woman was taught from a young age that she had to try harder to make friends, that she was too shy or boring, and that it was very important to be popular and jump over one’s own shadow. It’s not entirely wrong thinking, but as a child she accepted this so-called advice as a personal flaw that she now feels she needs to continually work on
Through her childhood experiences, beliefs were solidified in her, such as: I have to be liked by everyone, I’m too shy, I’m boring, it will always be difficult for me to make friends. Whenever she had trouble communicating with someone or she felt uncomfortable, she immediately referred to herself (even as an adult woman). So, no matter how many friends she had, if someone ever rejected her, she thought it had something to do with her because she thought she was too shy and antisocial and that made her very uncomfortable.
Consequently, she now unconsciously has certain expectations of herself to this day. For example: I have to openly approach new people, even if sometimes I don’t feel like it, I have to socialize a lot, I have to be sociable. This despite the fact that in his current life he has a stable circle of friends and in reality he does not lack contacts The “having to be social” motive helped her in this. But she also makes her feel that she is not doing enough, despite having good friends and a satisfying social life, and that she needs to keep trying to be popular and accepted.
Your expectation is not in the sense of your current needs, but only based on beliefs built in the past. This is how he questions himself again every time he doesn’t do well. She may be happy with herself, but her belief system and high expectations of her work like a bottomless pit; as long as they persist and go unchallenged, she will never recognize herself as sociable or popular enough.
The example of the woman shows how we always build our expectations under the influence of our environment Not necessarily because a specific expectation is imposed on us, but because of assumptions. We assume that others expect something from us and we don’t want to disappoint them or be rejected, and we don’t even ask ourselves if these assumptions could also be wrong.
This happens very often with parents. For example, we do not want to disappoint mom and dad and we welcome their expectations indiscriminately. Such momentous life decisions, such as getting married or wanting to have children, may have more to do with social expectations than with our own desires for the future. So it happens that we try to reconcile a wide variety of things, believing that we wanted it that way.
So what should we do with our expectations?
Expectations that no longer fit us or our current life situation are like a burden that we constantly carry with us. Challenging these expectations helps us sort, reframe, and redefine our priorities.
The following questions can help us look at our own expectations with more distance to determine how meaningful and useful they continue to be So let’s imagine that we are sitting in front of the list of different expectations that we have discovered about ourselves, and about each of them we ask ourselves the following questions:
If we unconsciously let ourselves be guided by our expectations, it is very likely that we are constantly dissatisfied with ourselves, then expectations can and should change so that they guide us in our favor and not the other way around.
