We live love automatically. We enter and leave relationships without giving ourselves the opportunity to love in our own version of a healthy and happy couple
But learning from our mistakes in the relationship allows us to build and rebuild on what wasn’t or isn’t working. We retreated before attempting the challenge of being happy together.
Literature is full of star-crossed loves In these few words, Gabriel García Márquez vividly conveys the physical and psychological sensation of heartbreak.
“The gradual absence of your interest in me, the progressive lack of your “good mornings”, the selfish choice of your distance, were what determined that it was not necessary to travel to Macondo, it was enough to kiss your lips to feel…… One hundred years of loneliness”.
But how many unhappy loves are just misunderstandings, or effects of the alexithymia “virus”. The result of not being able to account for our own feelings is that it becomes impossible for us to connect with them. How many times do we forget the details of the beginning of the relationship where everything was new and unknown, where novelty fueled love. So, Time is blamed for the lukewarmness of the years and the fact that passion seems to fade
A stable relationship over time is subject to change, and must endure the occasional misfortune. Problems with families, work, grief, fear of the future, children, are some of the reasons why a couple can deteriorate, so slowly that it is not even noticed. When we come to therapy because of attachment dysfunctions, or when we question how well the relationship is working, some of this is already happening.
It is essential to clarify What idea of a relationship does each member have? Sometimes they are ideal concepts, impossible to achieve in the real world. Couples that work and are happy, this second condition is often not taken into account, and we are only left with “that it works”, are made up of real, imperfect people and often do not know the other person’s way of love.
Each person understands or understands being loved under certain characteristics, actions or gestures, that the other does not fully know even after a long time. We hope that they guess us and we value a quality that is only valid in our first years of life when we are unable to clearly formulate what makes us happy or how we would like to be loved.
Love as a process
Love is construction, and sometimes it must be built on rubble. Not bad. Trust in mutual love takes time, and this involves going through winding paths. Learning to relate to those we love from another place, after seeing them fail, requires courage and desire Many abandon when it is really time to prove with actions and gestures that that person is important to us and that it is worth the try.
We can ask for help or turn to someone who objectively clarifies how much potential exists in that relationship. Being involved in a relationship of this type clouds our vision and our emotions. It is clear that there are relationships that are better to put aside, and that they guide us to think about what we want to do is clearly healthy. It is easy letting ourselves get caught up in the ego or pride of believing that giving in is weakness And it is convenient to review how well we are doing and how good the situation we are experiencing makes us.
When we rejoice in the existence of others in our lives, when their good makes us happy, knowing that days are not all the same and there will be some better than others, when we understand that arguing is not a problem, that what is important is the form and from where we do it, we understand that disagreements are to be resolved and to live better
Responsibility is the key
We are not forced to live as a couple, and you can be really good alone. But if we decide to take this path, it is necessary to know that the key word is construction and empathy and if we want to reduce it to just one, we can say that that word is responsibility. Responsibility in love does not mean obligation, but rather a contract, pact, agreement It is that of knowing the other with virtues and defects and still loving them.
The concept of responsibility is important both in caring for the relationship and when something happens. When a couple is in crisis, it is precisely at that moment where we must know and draw on our resources. Although it may seem paradoxical, many crises come to light when the couple is going through (or is about to go through) very good times Crises do not always happen in adversity, they can also be expected when a good streak arrives, new jobs, children if they want them…
Changes in housing, for example, generate situations of tension: they arise in couples who, finding themselves at the doors of a different reality, find the process unknown. Other times the couple evolves to a new moment where the magic and that time of falling in love are no longer with the same intensity to enter another stage in which fantasy stops being the support of the bond. There are many reasons, everyone has their own, and that is what it is about, knowing it and healing it.
Looking the other way does not seem to be a good formula for when issues or crises arise in the couple; Addressing these issues can lead to deep, loving, long-lasting relationships Obviously, with its changes along the way.
Non-dependent loves, but responsible for the union, where each person can nourish and reflect on the other without losing themselves. Respecting differences and private, internal and external spaces. Understanding that by accepting the other I take for granted their good intention, their absence of harm (at least, intentional) allows me to experience that living together is not easy and neither is getting to know each other, because throughout life we will change.
Accompanying us and not ignoring each other in this process enriches. Everything you do for the well-being of the one you love will do you good, and everything that whoever accompanies you does for themselves will necessarily have an impact on both of you. When love is established in the bond, fidelity is a consequence.
