Many patients consult me for having “consumed information” on the web, through psychological posts and memes, about supposedly true information about their couple relationships These are ideas, concepts and images that go viral or are replicated massively through social networks, blogs, emails and are passed from person to person.
On many occasions, these units of information that are shared massively on social networks talk about experiences that theoretically happen to many people, raising doubts about whether this is also happening to us without us realizing it. , in some cases, it sets off alarms in some homes, and leads to thinking… Should we consult with specialists?
Academic concepts appear in popular knowledge, loose, decontextualized and with a forceful power: “That’s what’s happening to me!” “That’s my partner!” “Ours is toxic!” “Science” says it, “specialists” explain it. Symptoms, standardized diagnoses and of course efficient treatments within our reach are offered. Once the poison of “wisdom” is instilled, it stings and an antidote is sought.
The decision to start couples therapy is made in most cases when they register communication failures, project incompatibilities, differences perceived as irreconcilable, mistrust, feelings of loneliness and falling out of love. Fights, silences, distancing appear, while sexual desire decreases or disappears.
The problem is that there are too many antidotes and all of them promise healing or salvation. The doubt arises as to which one will be the best, the only one capable of freeing us from this disorder, from that toxic relationship, from abuse and emotional dependencies. We must decide which one is best for us, which will help us “save” the couple or solve our conflicts.
It is perfectly understandable that we look for alternative solutions when sadness gains ground, strength falters, and responses seem exhausted from using them so much. But we must make the effort to explain in our words the problem that afflicts us. A serious mistake is made when the conflict is reduced by applying “psi” vocabulary or referring to uncertain hormonal or neuronal disorders.
Speaking with psychiatric or psychological terminology does not help On the contrary, it closes with a name, something that could be said in a unique and particular way in the words of the consultant. If we professionals respond by quickly accepting the knowledge brought to our consultation, we would be validating other people’s diagnoses and we would be subject to proposing the corresponding treatment. This is generally carried out by the medical model (disease/treatment), but with the singularity of the subject (one by one) it does not work the same.
The search for the causes of the problem
Psychoanalysts have a reputation for listening and not rushing answers. It will be because to analyze is to think in detail, reflect, decompose into its parts to obtain causes and effects The challenge is to make the passage of the saying “she is toxic, she is jealous, obsessive, she manipulates me, etc.” when saying about each one. This requires a time of commitment and acceptance of the possibilities within our reach. Discovering how much we can gives us an idea of the value appropriate to our circumstances.
Humans depend on others The first nutritional and personal care functions are carried out by adults called mothers, fathers, grandparents, etc. Throughout life we learn to live, to relate through our closest beings, family members, school and/or sports environments. They “love” us through their teachings, advice, warnings and they urge us to respond with good behavior, efforts, and achievements, among many other things. We are the result of their beliefs, their traditions, their fears and expectations.
When you reach adulthood, you have the possibility of choosing. The culture allows the meeting (liaison/wedding/sexual union) with someone outside our “tribe” (without blood ties/prohibition of incest) to build a bond where we can unite the sexual or erotic current with the tender or loving one in one same person. We will call that lucky person “My partner”.
In the best of cases, reaching this stage We will have a fairly defined idea of the type of bond we want to have with another person How they should care for us, respect us, accompany us, tolerate us and support us. That is, there is an idea of what we are willing to give and what we want to receive. Reciprocity, correspondence, equality are terms that we use to establish serious and lasting relationships.
See yourself reflected in the mirror of the relationship
What we are (or believe we are) is reflected in the way we “give ourselves” to the other: “I offer myself, I open myself, I suffer, I renounce while you don’t.” What we receive is perceived in a different way, it may be overvalued or underestimated and in comparison doubts arise regarding values. Who loves more? Or who does it better? I listen to him/her, I understand him/her he/she should… If I worry that much at least… If I go out of my way then I wait…
Parity, equality or absolute equity between two different people (it is not a gender issue) is an impossibility that we humans rationalize but do not elaborate on. Convenience is the order of the day. What do I get if I am with this person? Will I be able to count on her in the future? And her children?
Couples therapy is a research work The analyst puts “communication” into circulation, being able to help each member discover the effect of their words, reactions and gestures, while promoting understanding by relating the past to the present moment and recognizing unconscious pacts and fantasies. The objective is to promote security and empathy to be able to observe what happens to them in a different way.
It implies an openness to exploring the particular attachment relationships that come into play in the relationship, facilitating the processing, regulation and integration of the emotions that are activated in it. Without the desire and commitment to make a problematic relationship more pleasant, or to understand in a kinder way for both of them what causes them discomfort in the relationship, in order to make some change in this regard, it seems an unviable undertaking to propose couples therapy, being Therefore, an individual approach is recommended.
Many times it happens that the personal or intrapsychic conflict of one of the members is damaging or hindering the relationship Although both attend therapy, it is common for them to be scheduled separately in order to resolve the personal problem. Likewise, in the joint sessions, respect for the needs of others is prioritized, the identification of the problem and the search for solutions to address it and emerge stronger once we have overcome it are encouraged.
It is important to note that the majority of couples who come to consultation support the idea that it is worth finding the solution and fighting for the relationship.
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This article has been reviewed by our editorial team at PsychologyFor to ensure accuracy, clarity, and adherence to evidence-based research. The content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice.
