What is Emotional Infidelity?

Emotional infidelity, apart from sexual infidelity, is another form of infidelity that can cause the couple to break up.

The emotional infidelity It is when one member of the couple cheats with another person in an emotional way. That is, in emotional infidelity there is no physical or sexual approach, but emotions and feelings are shared with a third person.

While it is true that each couple has their own rules and limits (as long as they do not include abuse or manipulation), infidelity is usually one of the main reasons for disappointment, betrayal and even breakup in relationships. And when we talk about infidelity We almost always attribute it to sexual contact with a person outside the couple, but we rarely think about emotional infidelity as another factor. In fact, for many people the understanding as emotional betrayal It is not considered infidelity while for others it becomes much more important, painful and definitive than sexual relations outside the couple. In this article we explain What is considered this type of emotional deception the ways in which it can develop, its possible causes and how to overcome emotional infidelity

What is considered emotional infidelity

Emotional infidelity is considered when one of the two members of the couple establishes a relationship of intimacy and exchange of feelings and emotions with another person that goes beyond a friendship. To be considered as such, certain explicit or implicit rules agreed upon between the couple must be broken, both in terms of communication and trust and exclusivity. For infidelity to exist, it has to involve the breaking of a tacit agreement of the non-negotiable minimums of the couple

This emotional “adventure” It implies that the person feels that in one way or another they are betraying the bond with their partner. And this can happen in different ways.

• Establish a special connection with another person much more than a simple friendship, whether virtually or by meeting them physically.
• Having the need to invest energy, enthusiasm and time to see or talk to that third person.
• Start experiencing romantic feelings.
• Emotional infidelity is also considered when one wants to share more special experiences with that person than with their partner.
• Falling in love with another person without intimate contact.

In some cases, emotional infidelity can be understood as mere entertainment, an increase in self-esteem and ego and desire to share but in others it can be the first step that ends up leading to sexual infidelity. And the fact is that both types of infidelity do not have to be related. You can be unfaithful sexually and not emotionally and vice versa However, emotional infidelity can lead to a greater need to be intimate with the other person.

Emotional infidelity and sexual infidelity

But, What is more important, emotional infidelity or sexual infidelity? The answer to this question will depend on the agreements that the couple has reached as well as the situation and moment in which the relationship is. As we have already mentioned, each couple is different and each person values ​​or does not value fidelity and faces these types of issues in a different way. Therefore, it is difficult to establish assessments in this regard, although we can refer to what studies on infidelity say.

A study on infidelity conducted by Dr. David Frederick of Chapman University and Melissa Fales of UCLA on nearly 64,000 American adults shows the relevance of these two types of infidelities based on whether they are men or women who suffer from it. Thus, the study reveals that heterosexual men are more bothered by sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity (54% compared to 35% of women) while heterosexual women are more concerned that their partner feels emotionally attracted to them. other woman.

“Straight men really stood out from all the other groups: They were the only ones who were more likely to be upset by sexual infidelity than by emotional infidelity.”

In this way, Dr. Frederick attributes these differences to the traditional sociocultural conception of the roles of both partners in the relationship.

Forms of emotional infidelity

Once the differences are established, let’s see how is usually a emotional infidelity To consider whether you are having an emotional betrayal, it is not necessary to know the third person physically. Logically, that person who has awakened feelings may be someone close to you, a co-worker or someone you see regularly.

However, the most common forms of emotional infidelity currently are virtual contact, through WhatsApp, intimate relationship on social networks or on contact pages. And that is where the emotional infidelity relationship it is brewing and growing in secret beyond friendship Generally, many people downplay this fact, but when communication is constant and certain limits are crossed, the terrain begins to be dangerous for the relationship. The writer Sheri Meyer explains virtual infidelities like this in her book Chatting or cheating:

“Before, affairs only happened at work, out of town or away from home. But with the advent of mobile phones, the Internet, and social media, it’s easier than ever to connect with anyone, anytime, from the comfort of your living room. “The brain chemicals released by simple flirting can be as addictive as drugs, and people who never thought they would ever betray their partner can unknowingly slide down the slippery slope of emotional sex and cheating.”

How to react to betrayal

But how to react to betrayal? When infidelity enters the middle of a relationship, whether it is sexual infidelity, the presence of a lover or emotional infidelity, disappointment, betrayal, anger and, above all, mistrust comes. How would you react? Depending on the personality and type of infidelity there are several options.

1. Find a culprit This is how the most insecure people react to betrayal, who need to analyze the relationship point by point and feel sorry for what they could have done to prevent it from reaching this point.
2. want revenge Generally, this is how spiteful people behave, responding to pain with more pain.
3. Forgive Practical people usually value the option of forgiving and seeing how to solve the situation so they can move on if they both want to continue together.
4. End the relationship There are some people whose infidelity clashes head-on with their values ​​and the conception they have of their partner. They are not able to overcome an emotional betrayal and decide to put an end to it when it happens.

Causes of emotional deception

The causes of emotional deception or emotional infidelity are very varied. As in many relationship problems, the main cause is lack of communication Not talking about points of disagreement, about how we feel, what we lack or miss in our partner can lead us to seek to do so with another person who can fill that void that we notice. Furthermore, this lack of communication gives rise to other unresolved conflicts that may be the following:

• Lack of affection and affection If each person is very focused on their own private life, at work or on other hobbies and there are no moments for romanticism or if there are no signs of affection and understanding on a daily basis, the person may need to find these affections in the abroad.
• Monotony After several years of relationship, it can fall into monotony and the routine take them to a kind of stand by almost without being aware of it. This reason may be the cause of emotional deception in which new emotions are sought that are not found in the partner themselves.
• Dissatisfaction If there is sexual dissatisfaction or one of the members feels that they do not share tastes, hobbies or any other form of leisure, they can carry out these emotional contacts with people who do and with whom they feel that connection or that passion that they lack with their partner. couple present.

When one lives in a healthy relationship with good communication, empathy, understanding and love, it is difficult for there to be causes of infidelity since together they will put their feelings on the table and find a way to take action if one of them is not satisfied. But when some of the pillars falter and you are not able to see it, emotional infidelity is more likely to appear.

Signs that indicate emotional betrayal

Although it is very difficult to detect and it is best to establish good communication, there are some signs that indicate that you are suffering from emotional infidelity. Logically, these signs do not have to mean anything but perhaps they can guide us to try find out what’s going on or if we need to improve our way of expressing ourselves and speaking to evolve in the relationship.

On the one hand, if for some time now our partner is emotionally distant, finds it difficult to express his feelings or shows little interest in relationship topics, it is likely that something is happening. On the other hand, if has expanded his circle of friends and among them there is a special person with whom he shares more time than with you, perhaps he is establishing a special contact with her. Finally, if it is sensed that there is beginning to be secrets in the couple a change in attitude towards mobile phones, computers and social networks or notable alterations in daily routines for no apparent reason could be a sign that something has changed.

We insist again that None of these options is an unequivocal sign of emotional infidelity However, when faced with any change it is always better to talk about it to find a balance in the relationship. In addition, it should also be noted that in a healthy couple it is necessary to have friends and do activities separately and it may even be healthy not to share everything, and it does not mean that there is infidelity or that there will be in the future.

How to overcome emotional infidelity

Any infidelity is painful and is usually a turning point in the relationship and How to overcome emotional infidelity? Many couples decide to break up after all these emotions, but in many others the affected person decides to forgive and opts to overcome adversity to build a better relationship. In this case, there is work to be done to regain peace with oneself and create the pillars of a lasting relationship with good future prospects.

In emotional infidelity, even if there has been no sexual relations, the idea of ​​the absence of love is combined, which can raise many doubts and a deep crisis when it comes to staying together. What to do to overcome it? These are the points to follow to overcome emotional infidelity and regain confidence and self-esteem

Improve communication

Once all the secrets have been revealed, if you want to continue or resume after some time apart, it is absolutely essential to achieve a effective and fluid communication Nothing should be left in the pipeline and the bases and minimum agreements for the future relationship must be established.

Likewise, to overcome emotional infidelity It is healthy to talk about what happened to clear up all possible doubts and put valid remedies to what caused it. Getting angry, showing anger, asking again, crying… are necessary stages that must be gone through in order to rebuild with good foundations. In addition, we must focus on what led the unfaithful person to do so, analyze the causes, their external situation and their emotions. Only then can measures be taken to prevent it from happening again.

Avoid guilt

Feeling guilty is normal, both members can find themselves in that situation. While the unfaithful person will feel bad being aware of the betrayal and that it has shaken their relationship and caused a lot of pain to their partner, the faithful person will not stop thinking about what they failed or did wrong for their loved one. act like this, especially if you had not previously detected possible problems. Neither of these two culprits in emotional infidelity allow us to move forward towards successful improvement. Getting rid of them without judging yourself and trying not to judge the other person is one of the best options to overcome it.

Bet on commitment

If love is strong enough to continue fighting for a future together, it is advisable for both parties to make a solid commitment to building a good relationship with real and sincere changes. Put aside what separated you, bet on empathy, compassion and, of course, giving up those emotional contacts with third parties has to be the starting point for a new beginning. Establishing some type of contract or new agreement with well-defined points can help overcome emotional infidelity.

Forgive infidelity and forget it

One more step to overcome an emotional infidelity is to forgive it It is necessary to achieve real forgiveness and for this to give way to forgetting. In fact, this step is necessary whether you choose reconciliation or not. This is explained by Dr. José Antonio García in his article The couple’s recovery after infidelity :

“Forgiveness is a process that has healthy effects on the person who forgives, promoting their mental health; and it is recommended to the person who has suffered infidelity, whether reconciliation occurs or not.”

It is not conceivable that every future conflict will lead to condemnation of what happened in the past. That’s why, If you forgive you should forget There is no healthier alternative. And this also means that the unfaithful person is not constantly asking for forgiveness or showing regret for life, but rather that she accepts her mistake, forgives herself and begins to build again the necessary trust so that her partner forgets him.

“If you don’t forgive out of love, forgive at least out of selfishness, for your own well-being.” Dalai Lama

Regain trust after emotional infidelity

This step is, without a doubt, the most complicated on how to overcome emotional infidelity and the one that will take the most work to achieve. Restore confidence After emotional infidelity it is possible but it requires time and effort as well as the total involvement of both people. As for time, trust is built step by step. The unfaithful person will have to return to gain credibility in every step they take in the relationship, in their attitudes and daily words, while the betrayed person will have to be able to believe, value and accept with love everything that is given to them.

Also, you will have to avoid any type of controlling behavior and recurring thoughts that do not allow them to move forward. The objective of overcoming romantic infidelity has to be very clear to both of you and you must feel prepared to carry it out with all the consequences. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to not make promises that cannot be kept: if, for example, you are not yet ready to fully trust, talk about it naturally. If there is a will, it is possible that step by step everything will return to normal.

Couples therapy for emotional infidelity

If after trying the previous options the relationship is not at the point you want or the situation has affected you in such a way that you do not know how to act, do not hesitate to ask for professional help to discover how to overcome emotional infidelity.

Infidelity is one of the most common reasons that patients go to couples therapies In them the professional guides the two people in the process. The therapy will analyze the situation on an individual level with the external and psychological characteristics of each one: from possible work stress, to family stress, low self-esteem, etc. Parallel, The state of the relationship before the emotional infidelity will be studied what were their levels of conflict, strategies for its resolution, forms of communication, previous experiences, sexual relations, desire, lack of affection or affection, moments for leisure… With all this, and seeing what that betrayal and How has it affected each one? you will begin to work on forgiveness, trust and rebuilding the bond and love for a successful and increasingly healthy coexistence.

So, we see how After an emotional infidelity you can recover the relationship if there is love and intention on the part of the two people. Patience, work and will come together to achieve a new stage as a couple in which you emerge completely strengthened.