What is Toxic Shame and How to Overcome it

Shame is a human emotion that does not need much introduction, since we have all experienced it at some point in our lives when we have gone through an embarrassing situation. However, sometimes shame can be felt excessively and can become part of a person’s personality. Toxic shame affects a person as a whole and makes them feel deficient and flawed as a human being.

Do you want to know what toxic shame is and its consequences? Keep reading! In this PsychologyFor article we explain What is other people’s shame and how to overcome it

What is toxic shame

Shame in psychology is an emotion related to the self-evaluation of a global failure according to the rules, purposes or models of behavior that we share with others and that can be both positive and negative.

On the one hand, it is a negative emotion that allows us to realize our inadequacy. On the other hand, this emotion is also realizing that we have done something for which we can be considered by others in a way completely opposite to what we would have desired.

However, the specific case of toxic shame focuses on the negative part of this feeling, that is, feel like there is something wrong with ourselves This is a type of internalized shame that causes a deep sense of being wrong and becomes a central part of the person’s identity.

Causes of toxic shame

Shame is a healthy marker of our limitations, and initially, having a clear dividing line of limitations is a good thing. Nevertheless, growing up with shameless parents who have been physically abusive sexually, emotionally, intellectually or spiritually of your child can force you to take your shame to extreme levels.

In this way, when a person is marked by shame, they will adopt behavior based on it and it will go from being a simple emotion to becoming their identity. This toxic shame will cause the person to feel that he has no flaws or that he has too many. Likewise, these people are afraid of exposing themselves and may give up and become “the best of the worst.”

Consequences of toxic shame

Toxic shame affects a person as a whole and makes them feel deficient, humiliated and full of defects as a human being, causes them to feel deeply unhappy and worthless and is haunted by a feeling of absence and emptiness. Below, we show you some of the main consequences of toxic shame:

• Toxic shame is no longer just a useful emotion to show us our limits and becomes an intrinsic component of our identity
• Toxic shame transmits a feeling of radical failure as if one were no longer worthy of being considered a human being.
• The person who experiences such shame will avoid showing his most intimate identity to others in every way.
• The person becomes someone who can no longer be trusted, not even oneself.
• In its paradoxical nature, it reproduces itself, that is, one is ashamed of feeling ashamed. Someone is more likely to admit that he feels guilty or hurt than he is to admit that he is ashamed.
• Toxic shame equals an absolute sense of isolation and loneliness

How to overcome toxic shame

How to lose shame? Here are some ways to deal with toxic shame:

Be aware of toxic shame in the present

Having a different perspective on your shame, understanding where it comes from and how it influences your decisions in the present through emotional memories is the first essential step to being able to manage it. Therefore, a first way to detect it is to start pay attention to your emotions in the present.

Express your emotions openly

Trying to hide shame or pretend it doesn’t exist will never lead to managing, overcoming, or processing it. On the contrary, what we have to do is accept and talk openly about this emotion that we have described as unacceptable and worthless with friends, family and trusted people.

See a psychotherapist

In relation to the previous advice, in cases in which toxic shame is having a notable impact on relationships and the correct development of the person’s daily life, it will be necessary seek help from a mental health professional that offers an objective and comprehensive “external view”, without judging, and provides the patient with the necessary tools to overcome this situation.

Separate your identity from the feeling of shame

We have all made mistakes and done things that we later regret, but that does not mean that we are incapable or have no value. You can learn from your mistakes and use failures as lessons to do better in the future, as well as try to separate your identity from the sensation you feel Shame makes you feel wrong and inadequate, but it doesn’t mean you really are.

Changing the expression “I am incapable” or “I am a failure” to others such as “I have done something wrong and I feel ashamed, but I can improve and do better in the future” will help you overcome toxic shame. Understanding the reasons for your actions can help you learn lessons to improve in the future and create a more positive relationship with ourselves and others. At the base of moods in adulthood are always the emotions and sensations experienced during development, which are also fundamental to determine the relationship with oneself.

Understand that your values ​​may be different from those you were taught

If your parents gave you very hard and rigid lessons in childhood Based on the values ​​they considered most important, it is possible that from a young age you feel ashamed of any behavior that does not fit those values. This slowly led you to move further and further away from yourself and your spontaneity, getting closer to that ideal that they wanted for you.

However, remember that today you are an adult and you can begin to question all the values ​​that have been passed down to you and that you have been forced to live by. You can give space to your suffering, anger and all the emotions that have always been denied to you. Your values ​​may be different, your life is yours alone and no one can tell you if it is right or wrong.

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to What is toxic shame and how to overcome it we recommend that you enter our Emotions category.

Bibliography

• Beana, A.L. (2015). The anti-bullying method. Protect your babies and help them spread. Trent: Erickson.
• Minelli, F. (2021). Vergogna Tossica: How to overcome it? 5 Passi per iniziare Davvero a guarire. Retrieved from: https://francescominellipsicologo.it/vergogna/