What to Do if the Narcissist Comes Back

One of the most unsettling parts of leaving a narcissist is the possibility that they’ll come back. And often, they do. Whether it’s weeks, months, or even years later, narcissists tend to circle back—especially if they feel they’ve lost control over you or think you’re doing better without them.

They may come back sweet-talking, apologizing, or claiming they’ve changed. This phase, often called “hoovering,” is a manipulative attempt to suck you back into the toxic cycle. But you’ve worked hard to get out. You deserve clarity, boundaries, and protection for your peace of mind.

If you’re wondering what to do when the narcissist returns, here are the steps to protect yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically.

1. Stay Grounded in Reality

A narcissist returning can bring a flood of emotions—confusion, curiosity, or even hope. But it’s vital to remind yourself why the relationship ended in the first place.

Write down a list of the reasons you left. Reread old messages, journal entries, or therapy notes to ground yourself in truth. Narcissists are masters of rewriting history. Your job is to remember your reality.

2. Recognize Hoovering for What It Is

When a narcissist comes back, they usually don’t do it out of love—they do it to regain control. They might use compliments, gifts, or even fake vulnerability to lure you in.

Be aware of tactics like “I’ve changed,” “No one else understands me like you do,” or “I made a mistake, and I’m ready to fix it.” These are emotional hooks, not genuine apologies.

3. Avoid Re-engagement

Responding to a narcissist can open the door just wide enough for them to push their way back in. Even neutral or polite replies can encourage them to keep trying.

If possible, go full no-contact. Block their number, email, and social media accounts. If you have to communicate because of shared responsibilities like children, keep it minimal and business-like.

4. Don’t Fall for the “Changed Person” Illusion

Narcissists are experts at performing what others want to see. They may appear more self-aware, go to therapy, or seem calmer. But often, these changes are temporary or superficial.

Ask yourself: Are they showing sustained change over time? Do they take true accountability without blame-shifting or minimizing their past behavior? If not, it’s likely a performance.

5. Stick to Your Boundaries Firmly

It’s one thing to create boundaries—it’s another to enforce them. Narcissists will test your limits, looking for cracks in your armor.

If you’ve said “I don’t want contact,” enforce that. Don’t feel pressured to explain or justify yourself repeatedly. Silence can be your most powerful boundary.

6. Don’t Try to ‘Fix’ or Save Them

Empaths and caring individuals often feel drawn to help narcissists heal. But healing is their responsibility—not yours. Re-entering the relationship with hopes of being “the one who saves them” often leads to the same old cycle.

Your energy is better spent on healing yourself and protecting your emotional health. You are not their therapist or emotional caretaker.

7. Lean on Your Support System

The narcissist’s return can feel destabilizing, and isolation can make it harder to stay strong. Reach out to trusted friends, a therapist, or support groups.

Having people remind you of your progress and self-worth can make a world of difference. You don’t have to face this alone.

8. Expect Guilt Trips and Pushback

A narcissist may try to guilt you with phrases like, “After everything I did for you?” or “You’re just cold and unforgiving.” This is emotional manipulation.

Stand firm. Your job is not to manage their emotions or offer them closure. Your job is to protect your peace.

9. Focus on the Life You’re Building Without Them

The narcissist may sense that you’re moving on and feel threatened by it. That’s often why they come back. Your progress is proof they don’t have control over you anymore.

Redirect your energy toward your healing, hobbies, relationships, and passions. Reclaim your time and continue building a life that brings you joy and fulfillment.

10. Trust Yourself—You Know What’s Best for You

You may have moments of doubt, especially if the narcissist comes back more charming or apologetic than ever. But you’ve made it this far for a reason.

Your intuition, your boundaries, and your healing journey matter. Trust in your ability to make decisions that protect your mental and emotional health.

If the narcissist comes back, you don’t have to answer. You don’t have to open the door—physically or emotionally. You’ve already chosen peace over chaos. Let that choice continue to guide you forward.

FAQs about What to Do if the Narcissist Comes Back

Why do narcissists come back after a breakup?

Narcissists often return when they sense they’re losing control or when their ego needs validation. It’s not about love—it’s about power and reassurance that they can still affect you emotionally.

Should I respond to a narcissist who wants to reconnect?

If safety allows, the healthiest approach is no-contact. Responding can give them the opening they need to re-enter your life and restart toxic cycles.

What if I still have feelings for the narcissist?

It’s normal to feel conflicted, especially if the relationship had intense highs. But feelings don’t always mean you should go back. Reflect on whether those feelings are based in love or trauma bonding.

How can I protect myself if we share children?

Use co-parenting tools like email-only platforms or parenting apps that track communication. Stick to child-related matters only, and maintain firm boundaries to limit emotional manipulation.

Will the narcissist ever really change?

Genuine change is rare unless the narcissist actively seeks long-term, consistent therapy and shows true accountability. Most often, “change” is just a new form of manipulation.

References:

• Martínez Castro, N. (2012). Narcissism…Freud and Lacan. GEPU Psychology Magazine, 3 (1), 79-89.