Have you ever heard the expression “I am my worst enemy”? Surely you have heard it at least once in your life, and the truth is that entails deep reflection.
Some people live a life of great deprivation due to their own feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred. This causes them to have problems relating to others and being happy. But what are the causes of these types of sensations? To what extent do they alter our thoughts, emotions and habits? And, ultimately, how can we from psychology help people who hate themselves improve this self-perception so that this discomfort does not affect them so much?
What is the critical inner voice and why should we silence it forever?
In a study published a few months ago, psychologists Lisa and Robert Firestone found evidence that the most frequent self-critical thought among the majority of people (regardless of their cultural, ethnic or religious origins) was “I am different from others”. Most people see themselves as different from others, but not in a positive sense, but quite the opposite: in a negative sense.
We all have an “anti-self” that hates our way of being.
In fact, even individuals who have a good social image and seem perfectly adapted and respected in the social environments they frequent, have strong negative feelings and the feeling of showing a false face about themselves. This is explained because, according to some experts, our identity is unfolded.
Dr. Robert Firestone explains that each person has a “real me”a part of our personality that is based on self-acceptance, as well as a “anti-self”, a part of our consciousness that rejects our way of being.
The critical voice or “anti-self”
He anti-self It is responsible for boycotting us through that critical inner voice that we all, to a greater or lesser extent, have. This critical voice It’s like a kind of alarm for our self-concept who makes negative comments about every moment of our lives thus altering our behavior and our self-esteem. He is a specialist in burying our dreams and objectives: “Do you really think you can do it?… You will never be able to reach that goal, look at you, you are not good enough!”. He is also responsible for disparaging your past and present achievements: “Yeah, well, you’ve been lucky, it wasn’t your fault.”. Furthermore, the anti-self is an expert in boycotting our well-being when we enjoy a relationship: “She doesn’t really love you. Why do you think she has so many friends on campus? You shouldn’t trust her.”.
Learning to ignore the voice that tries to boycott us
Every person has this critical voice inside them, what happens is that some people pay a lot of attention to it, while others have learned to ignore it. About the first, The main problem is that when a lot of attention is paid to the critical voice, the criticisms and reproaches that it launches become increasingly harsher and more constant. In this way, they end up assuming that, instead of being a voice that represents an enemy that must be fought, it is a voice that emanates from our “real self” and they confuse criticism with the real point of view, simply accepting everything. what it tells us.
“I hate myself” It is a recurring phrase that our inner critical voice can send us. What origin does this type of self-destructive thinking have?
For psychologists Lisa and Robert Firestone, They are thoughts that are generated in the negative experiences of childhood and adolescence. The way we perceive ourselves in the different stages of childhood and puberty and the judgments of others towards us shape our identity and, therefore, a better or worse self-concept.
How others perceive us decisively affects how we value ourselves.
When we are subject to negative attitudes from our parents or people we hold in high esteem, We internalize these evaluations and judgments to form our own image. It seems clear that if receiving positive attitudes from our parents (such as praise or feeling loved and appreciated) helps us develop good self-esteem, critical attitudes can promote just the opposite effect. This phenomenon is perfectly explained by the “Pygmalion Effect”.
In any case, this is not about blaming parents for everything. Raising a child is not an easy task, and Our parents also have to carry negative feelings from their own past. ; No one is immune, therefore, from transmitting, even unconsciously, judgments or gestures that are not entirely appropriate, especially in moments of tension.
A negativity that is transmitted from parents to children
If, for example, our parents made us see that we were naughty or constantly told us to be silent, or even if they simply felt overwhelmed if we were around, we might end up accepting the idea that we really are a nuisance. One of the possible effects of this perception is that we could end up being shy and withdrawn people, or taking a submissive attitude in our daily lives and with our interpersonal relationships.
How does the critical voice disturb us in our daily lives?
Our “anti-self” can have an impact on our daily lives in several different ways. We can try to adapt to the critical voice by trying to take its criticism into consideration. When it is repeatedly stated that we are a disaster as people, we can come to believe it and choose, under that premise, friends and romantic partners who treat us in the same way, as if we were worthless.
It is also possible that if he constantly tells us that we are inept, dWe develop a total lack of self-esteem that pushes us to make mistakes that in the end make us look really stupid. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If he tells us all the time that we are very unattractive, we may even decline the option of looking for a partner.
Between turning a deaf ear and managing criticism
The moment we listen to our inner critical voice we give it authority over our thoughts and actions. It is possible until we start projecting these types of critical thoughts towards the people around us. We are at real risk that the hatred that the critical voice generates towards ourselves ends up fogging up the glasses with which we see the world. At this point we can begin to suffer some symptoms of paranoid personality disorder, when we begin to question people who perceive us differently than our inner voice does.
We can try to remain oblivious to praise and positive criticism, because they contradict the schemes that we have built about ourselves. Even we can instill in ourselves the idea that we are not valid enough to have romantic relationships. It is a critical voice that not only attacks us from the outside, but little by little becomes the personality itself, attacking the foundations of personal well-being. Not only is it there all the time, but there comes a time when, for that very reason, we stop perceiving it, because it is already completely integrated into us.
How can I stop hating myself?
There are several tips that can help manage and try to minimize this self-hatred managing to live apart from these limiting beliefs that our internal critic generates in us.
Overcoming our critical voice, our anti-self, is the first step towards liberating destructive thoughts, but this is not easy since many of these beliefs and attitudes are fully rooted in our being, we have internalized them.
1. Identify the critical voice
This process begins by detect and begin to lay the foundations to be able to manage this critical voice. Once we have recognized the sources of these critical thoughts that negatively affect us, we must take into consideration what is true (the thoughts) and what is false.
Sometimes, as we have already mentioned, this identification will mean that you look inside yourself to recognize the negative traits that you have “inherited” from your parents during your childhood. If you had very demanding parents, for example, You have the responsibility to challenge the habits of demands towards others that you have acquired.
2. Rationalize and start being realistic
We must respond to the attacks of our critical self that provokes this self-hatred through a calm but realistic and rational point of view about oneself.
3. Challenge and relativize
Last, We must be able to challenge the self-destructive attitudes that affect our self-esteem that the negative voice pushes us to carry out. When we renounce these defense mechanisms that we have been establishing with the adaptation to the pain that you experienced in your childhood, we will try to change some behaviors that emerge from this circumstance.
For example, if you were a very overprotected child and your parents constantly watched over you, you may have developed seeking to isolate yourself from others for fear that they might intrude on your life.
4. Find your own identity
The last step to change thinking “I hate myself” to “I liked it”It involves trying to find your own values, ideas and beliefs with which you feel comfortable and calm. What is your idea of how to live life? What are your short, medium and long term goals?
When we free ourselves from our inner critic, we are closer to finding ourselves. We can then begin to have attitudes and perform actions that are a much more faithful reflection of our needs and desires, which will give much more meaning to our existence.
A path not without obstacles but one that will be worth traveling
During the journey in which we try to stop hating ourselves until we find the path that makes us happy, it is natural that we experience a little anxiety or a resistance of the critical voice to abandon our recurring thoughts.
However, if one is persistent in challenging the inner critical voice, This will end up becoming weaker little by little and in this way we will be able to free ourselves from the feeling of hatred towards ourselves. A crucial step towards a more enjoyable and happy life.
