Why Do I Like Whoever Passes Me?

You may know this effect as Ghosting, which is derived from the word “ghost.” It is possible that the person your friend has caught suddenly stop responding to messages or calls and move on from him/her

Normally we all know someone to whom this has happened at some point, without understanding what it is that leaves them totally hooked on that relationship that comes and goes, and… if you don’t know anyone it’s because you’re probably the one who has suffered it.

Skinner and his pigeons

To better understand why we stay “hooked” on that person, we must mention BF Skinner, a psychologist who explained how this way of acting works and called it intermittent reinforcement. He conducted an experiment with pigeons, using a device called a “Skinner box” which consisted of a cage with a pigeon inside and a device that could dispense food to the pigeon at random.

Skinner began training pigeons to press a lever every time they wanted to get food. At first, the pigeons received food each time they pressed the lever, known as continuous reinforcement. However, he found that this was not very effective in the long term, as The pigeons stopped pressing the lever when they felt satisfied

Instead, he began using a technique called intermittent reinforcement, in which the pigeons only received food randomly each time they pressed the lever. This caused the pigeons to press the lever more frequently, as they did not know when they would receive their reward. Finding that it was more effective than long-term continuous reinforcement, as the pigeons continued to press the lever even when they were no longer receiving food.

Also, performed experiments giving food randomly, no matter what they did The pigeons went “crazy” because, despite receiving food at random, they believed that they got it because of the last thing they had done, so they ended up performing rituals such as flapping their wings, pecking the ground and a long etcetera, believing that the food would appear for doing it.

Intermittent reinforcement in relationships

How does this work in our relationships? That person who you ask how you are and they answer three days later, hopefully, that you meet him or her and everything is going great, but then it seems that they have no interest in meeting you again or that one day they are super nice to you and at the same time another ignores you. That type of relationship is based on intermittent reinforcement.

People react similarly to pigeons in this experiment. A person appears in our lives who makes us feel very good, everything seems wonderful, he or she gives us love, and we want to continue doing the same thing we were doing to get more. But At a given moment, all this reinforcement that was given to us ends and you still want those positive things to be given to you, you are still that pigeon that presses the lever hoping to find the food “the reinforcement”.

Probably, at some point, it will come around again, and you will believe that it is because of something you have done, so when it disappears you will continue trying to do whatever it takes to make it appear in your life again, testing what “you already thought worked” You will be hanging on to the crumbs of affection, creating a dependency on something that you don’t really know if it will return.

Solutions?

We can learn to identify this behavior, know what this intermittent reinforcement is and the addictive effects it has on our brain. You are not to blame nor are you a worse person for this happening to you, it is possible that you do not take into account other external variables that you cannot control. You may already find yourself in this type of relationship and don’t really know how to get out of it. One of the options is to work on your self-esteem, you will stop feeling like you are a “fool” for being there and you will understand what has made you hooked on this relationship, how to set limits and improve your life.

If you feel identified, at the Psychology center PsychoAlmería We will help you in a personalized way both online and in person.