Why do we feel shame? What is it for and why can’t we control it? Shame is something we all know, but very few understand. Discover this psychological mechanism.
The shame It is an emotion that attempts to hide some defect or action of ours that we believe, if seen, could cause rejection. Shame is useful, as it helps us develop awareness and a sense of social responsibility, but it is an emotion that can lead us to hide our failures, or to indulge in excessive self-criticism to avoid or minimize destructive criticism or rejection of others. others. The criticism we receive or fear receiving and the shame we feel activate the threat/protection system.
When we think: I’ll take a risk, I’ll try! The shame It’s the ghost that says: uh uh! you are not good enough. You never finished your master’s degree, your wife left you, I know the things that happened to you as a child. I know you don’t think you’re good-looking enough or smart enough or talented enough etc. Shame is that. If we can silence it and say, “I’ll do it,” we look up and the critic we see pointing at us and laughing, who is it? in most cases, ourselves. Shame encumbers two great quotes: “never good enough” and if you can talk about that “Who do you think you are?”
Why do we feel shame?
Also, there is a big difference between shame and guilt Shame is self-centered, guilt is behavior-centered. Shame is: “I am bad”, guilt is: “I did something wrong.” We can say that we feel guilty for what we do and ashamed of who we are. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, and eating disorders. And guilt is inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold onto something we have done or not done, against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It’s uncomfortable but it’s adaptable.
Shame arises in a society where there is a network of contradictory expectations and impossible competencies, which tell us how we’re supposed to be (perfect!). The shame is felt equally by men and women but it is organized by gender. For women, shame is doing it all, being a good mother, doing it perfectly, and never letting them see you sweat. For men, being successful, being a perfect father, and not being perceived as weak. It is an epidemic and to get out of it, to find the way, we have to understand how it affects us, and how it affects our relationships, parenting, how we work, etc. Likewise, there is an antidote to shame! Empathy, understanding and acceptance is the antidote to shame.
If we put shame in a Petri dish and want it to grow exponentially: we need secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and sprinkle it with empathy, it can’t survive..
