Why Is It So Difficult To Get Along With Our Teenage Children?
Relationships between parents and adolescent children are usually full of intense moments. Although we want the best for them, it seems that arguments are inevitable. Because?
Here I share with you some of the common problems I see in consultation, so you can identify if any of this sounds familiar to you.
1. Differences in values?
When your children were little, you could set the rules and expect them to follow them without questioning them. However, teenagers begin to develop their own values and beliefs, which may differ from yours. This is a natural part of their growth process, but it can lead to arguments. Teenagers seek independence, while parents want to guide and protect them.
Has it happened to you? Maybe you have a child who is starting to question your family values or decisions. It’s frustrating, right? But remember, this is a sign that he is searching for his own identity.
2. The clash between autonomy and limits
Teenagers want more freedom, but as parents we want to make sure they make responsible decisions. Conflict appears when the limits you set are seen as attempts at control. Have you found yourself in this situation? For example, Maybe your child wants to stay out late with his friends, but you worry about his safety. An argument may arise where he or she thinks you don’t trust him or her, although in reality you are just trying to protect him or her.
Sometimes, as parents, we think we already know what our children think and feel. But surprise: teenagers want us to listen to them, not just give them advice. When we jump into solving their problems without listening first, it can seem like we minimize their experiences.
Have you felt like this? If instead of talking it turns into a “you don’t understand me” session, it may be a sign that both of you are frustrated because you are not being able to hear each other. Pause and try to listen without interrupting.
4. Achievement expectations and academic pressures
Many parents have high expectations for their children: that they get good grades, that they work hard in sports or activities, and that they have a “good future.” However, teenagers are already dealing with many pressures of their own. When they feel that only their achievements matter, they may experience anxiety and stress, which turns into resistance toward school or studies.
Do your conversations usually revolve around achievements? If so, try to reinforce that your love does not depend on their grades or performance. This helps reduce stress and fosters a supportive environment.
What erroneous values and thoughts can teenagers have?
From Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we explore how certain values and automatic thoughts common in adolescents can lead to conflicts:
Hormonal problems and stress management
During adolescence, the brain undergoes a series of hormonal changes that directly affect mood and the ability to manage stress. Testosterone in boys and hormonal changes in girls can intensify their emotional reactions.
Besides, The teenage brain is still developing the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision making and self-control. This means that in times of stress, they are more likely to react impulsively. Adolescents often have more difficulty managing stress due to:
How to reduce arguments?
It is important:
Do you identify with any of these points? Relationships with teenagers are not always easy, but with a little patience and empathy, it is possible to improve communication and reduce conflicts.
I’m Emily Williams Jones, a psychologist specializing in mental health with a focus on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness. With a Ph.D. in psychology, my career has spanned research, clinical practice and private counseling. I’m dedicated to helping individuals overcome anxiety, depression and trauma by offering a personalized, evidence-based approach that combines the latest research with compassionate care.
