Why Is Our Sense Of Identity Affected When We Are Not Chosen As A Partner?


A high percentage of people who go to therapy for the first time do so for a problem related to love: divorces, breakups, relationship problems, poor coping with a breakup… Nowadays, love is considered a real health problem. public.

In the 21st century, there are four major problems: anxiety, depression, relationship problems and personality disorders. We live in an accelerated society, addicted to immediate gratification, with little tolerance for frustration, not conducive to genuine, authentic satisfaction. This can also be transferred to the area of ​​love and relationships.

Cognitive distortion in love

The culture of a country greatly influences the beliefs that people have about the master areas of life: health, money, work and love. In the 20th century, relationships were a way of surviving, where it was practically unthinkable not to get married “for life.”

In 1981, divorce was approved in Spain. We are children of the parents of the 20th century, but we live with the beliefs in love of this century. So we need to think, that it is forever, but we debate that we do not have to endure everything, and that relationships have to last, until they are “healthy.”.

Psychological well-being is essential, as is the validation of our emotions, and the practical part of life is no longer enough: having a job, stability, family and friends. We need to feel good about what we have. Personal self-realization, and feeling good about ourselves. All this is difficult to handle. Beliefs are changing, and we do not know how to carry out this entire process of change.

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If before hardly anything was demanded of the couple, now they are. In the 21st century, horizontal relationships prevail, where we can no longer deprive others of their autonomy, nor can we establish power or unequal relationships. In sexology studies, it is estimated that women lose sexual libido more when they do not feel that their relationship is equal with their partner.

When we question our identity when we are not chosen, the cognitive distortion of emotional reasoning occurs: “if I feel unloved, it is because I am unlovable.” “If He hasn’t chosen me, then I’m not enough”… “If I feel… then I am…” A cognitive distortion is a pattern of thinking that can lead to inaccurate interpretations of reality. Being overwhelmed by emotion (heartbreak), thinking, like emotion, is deregulated, and this cognitive distortion occurs, which is unconsciously related to childhood wounds. If in my childhood I did not feel loved, I unconsciously reproduce it again when I experience a similar situation.


The damage of inequality

Too much importance is given to self-esteem in all of life’s problems, and of course it is important, but it is not always there as the basis for something not working. If we are in abusive relationships, the abusive person makes you question your identity and your worth as a person.

It isolates you from your environment, so that you do not have contact with people who do not support your relationship and you question your identity. It is not just a problem of self-esteem, but of emotional abuse. It is key to know how abuse works, and to work on controlling anger and conflict. In addition to managing empathy and caring for the relationship.

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Self-esteem is not a fixed construct, but rather a changing one, which can be affected by various events in life. It is better to question personal self-actualization and psychological well-being in a relationship. Do I feel good when I’m with my partner, or do I feel worse than not being in a relationship?