Why Your Partner Tells You That You Are A Bad Person And What To Do
It would be great to be able to choose how you feel regardless of what other people say or do. However, especially in a relationship, it is extremely difficult to remain indifferent, due to the feelings of love, commitment, expectations and shared moments. How can you act like nothing happened when your partner repeatedly accuses you of hurtful behavior, dishonest attitudes, or even being a bad person?
It’s natural to feel confused, hurt, and frustrated, especially if you haven’t done anything serious enough to receive these comments. Furthermore, it is important not to let these types of situations pass and that they be addressed as soon as possible. In this PsychologyFor article we explain Why your partner tells you that you are a bad person and what to do
Why does your partner tell you that you are a bad person?
If your partner tells you that you are a bad person, it is natural that you will be confused and wonder why. This cannot be the normal tone of a relationship. If so, there may be several reasons. We will tell you about them below.
Is upset or frustrated with you
When someone gets angry, it is often because you feel you have been treated unfairly or that has been provoked in some way. If your partner tells you that you are a bad person, it is possible that they are angry with you for some comment or behavior of yours that has bothered them.
Sometimes, out of anger and rage, a person says things that they don’t really mean and that can be offensive or hurtful. However, the insults and accusations They are not justified because they are ways of speaking that intentionally seek to hurt or offend.
Although someone may feel angry or frustrated at any given moment, it is important to treat others with respect and consideration, even when we disagree with them or when things are not going as we expected. Insults do not solve problems and can damage relationships and trust
You have insecurities or emotional problems
Accusing a partner of being a bad person can be related to feelings of insecurity in a relationship. When your partner tells you that you are a bad person, they may believe that you did something wrong, or they may even know that you didn’t, but they still accuse you of it.
A possible reason that would explain this behavior is that your partner has an explosive character and/or emotional problems. It can be selfishness, narcissism, insecure attachment, low emotional intelligence, explosive temperament or reduced social skills, among other factors.
If you have not done anything that serious but your partner insists on saying that you are a bad person, this accusation is based on their belief system and not so much on your behavior. The false accusations They could indicate that the accuser has difficulty trusting others or has had the experience of being betrayed in the past.
Misunderstand what you say
People can interpret the behavior of others and attribute inaccurate meanings that do not fully correspond to reality. Therefore, if your partner does not know or does not understand the context in which you are immersed, he or she may interpret what you say in the wrong way.
For example, they may interpret that you are a bad person because you have not shown interest and concern for the health status of a family member of theirs, however, is not taking into account your own circumstances Perhaps you have been careless because you are going through a period of stress and pressure at work.
So, if your partner makes you feel bad, they may be interpreting your behavior in the wrong way, due to misunderstandings, lack of information, their prejudices or biases, past experiences, etc.
He wants you to think like him or her
In a relationship it is almost inevitable that some word or behavior can upset the couple. It is human to make mistakes and make mistakes, however, when every mistake you make becomes a pejorative way of defining yourself, it is normal that you do not feel valued.
If your partner tells you that you are a bad person frequently and tries to manipulate or control you with his words you are probably facing a dynamic that is harmful to the relationship.
In these cases, your partner may make you feel bad because they don’t like your way of life and try to get you to act in a different way more similar to them by saying things like “if I feel that way it’s because you’re a bad person.” Instead of admitting it, expressing his feelings, and making an assertive request, he projects the blame onto you.
He feels guilty
When your partner tells you that you are a bad person, it may be because they feel guilty and project that feeling onto you. This kind of “transfer” of feelings is a psychological process in which your partner tand imposes his guilt or insecurity An example would be a cheating partner who constantly accuses you of flirting or dating other people.
So, a possible explanation for why your partner tells you that you are a bad person is that internally they feel like a bad person themselves. It’s about a common, universal and unconscious defense mechanism However, when not aware of it and used to the extreme, it can cloud judgment.
Additionally, the couple may feel punished and frustrated by the constant and unsubstantiated accusations. In the long run, if a person is shamed or rejected, he may stop expressing himself and distance himself from his partner. This may corroborate the initial version of someone who accuses their partner of being a “bad person.” To prevent that from happening, we recommend reading this article on how to stop feeling guilty about everything.
However, it is important to remember that not all people who say their partners are bad people are projecting their guilt. Each situation must be analyzed specifically, since it contains a multitude of aspects and nuances that cannot be covered in a general rule.
How to know if your partner speaks badly of you
The best way to know if your partner speaks badly of you is ask him directly Even so, if circumstances arise that prevent good communication at this time, be alert if any of the following attitudes occur:
Judges you without trying to understand you: This is a fairly common situation. Sometimes your partner may judge you and tell you that “you’re too insensitive,” “you don’t care at all,” or “you’re only thinking about yourself.” When your partner reduces your experience to a label and makes snap judgments about what you say or do without asking or trying to understand your position, it is a bad sign.
Speaks badly about you in public: If your partner is kind and respectful to you in public, he or she will be less likely to badmouth you behind your back. However, if the opposite situation occurs, there is a good chance that he/she is not being honest with you.
Use sarcasm and irony to cover up criticism: Does your partner make comments and jokes that are hurtful to you? Do you use sarcasm in a veiled way so as not to openly communicate what bothers you? Does he make tasteless jokes that put you down but tells you “it’s no big deal”? Using irony and contempt to undermine your dignity is not acceptable in any case. If your partner ridicules or criticizes you and then minimizes how you feel, it’s a red flag that things are not going well.
You feel like he’s hiding something from you: If you feel like something is wrong in your relationship, your intuition may be trying to tell you something. Nature is very wise and bodily sensations sometimes warn us that we need to pay attention to something before logic comes into play. If you are worried or doubt that your partner is talking badly about you, it is important that you address the problem so that it does not fester and continue. This article will help you know if a relationship is going bad.
What to do when your partner makes you feel bad
It is important to address relationship problems to prevent them from becoming bigger obstacles in the relationship. If your partner makes you feel bad because they tell you that you are a bad person, these tips can be very helpful in handling the situation.
1. Ask him what he means by being a “bad person”
If your partner tells you that you are a bad person, it is important that you understand what she means by “bad person” and that you ask yourself what behaviors of yours have led her to use this expression. It is a totally subjective assessment since what some people define as “bad” may be acceptable to others.
The concepts of “good” and “evil” are like opposite poles, since they depend on a multitude of factors and can change over time. Generally, they are associated with individual morality, religion, cultural context, personal experiences and even ideology.
2. Listen to your partner if they need it
If your partner tells you that you are a bad person, it is certain that he or she feels uncomfortable for some reason. You may feel angry at something which in his opinion is not acceptable. Although this does not justify that it is appropriate to accuse or define you in this way, it helps to understand why he acts this way.
In this sense, irritated people need to feel heard, so it is very possible that if your partner has told you that you are a bad person, it is because She is wounded and wants your attention. For example, if your partner tells you that you are a bad person because he suspects that you are being unfaithful, it is very likely that he is suffering and needs empathy for his pain. Although his conclusion is not certain, his discomfort has a cause and an explanation that is important for you to listen to.
An effective way to address this situation may be to say the following: “I’m worried that you’re going to tell me that I’m a bad person. I’m not and I wonder what has happened to make you express yourself like this and if there is something you need to feel better in the relationship. Listen carefully and show empathy for their concerns In this article you will see how to practice empathy in my life.
In addition, it is also important that you make clear the discomfort that it generates for you when someone defines you as a bad person and set limits so that these types of accusations do not happen again. Remember that communication is the backbone of any relationship.
3. Take responsibility and try to repair the damage
Like most people, you’ve probably done some things considered good, some things considered bad, and many others somewhere in between. This doesn’t define you as a good or bad person, so neither you nor your partner should fall into this type of simplification of reality. In fact, asking yourself if you are a good or bad person is already an indication that you have a certain degree of emotional self-awareness and empathy.
It is almost inevitable to make mistakes, however, if managed properly, conflict can be an opportunity to reconnect with your partner. To repair this situation, you must take responsibility for what happened and recognize your part in it. Offer a sincere apology and validate the emotions your partner may have experienced Be open to their needs and don’t hesitate to share yours as well.
Empathy, gratitude and compassion are values that must be present in any relationship. If you have acted in any way that could have hurt the person you love, try to ensure that your future actions and interactions with them are guided by these values.
4. Respond to a false accusation
It is essential to be honest with yourself and with your partner. Possibly saying that someone is a bad person is not the most appropriate expression. However, if you have not acted in the best way, even partially, your partner may have reason to be upset. In the previous point we have explained how to take responsibility and try to repair it.
On the contrary, if you have not acted in a reprehensible manner, but your partner claims that you have bad intentions and even accuses you of false behavior and actions, you have to respond. It is crucial to muster the courage to clarify what happened and make it clear that you are not going to accept that he accuses you of something you haven’t done, or of being in a way that doesn’t define you.
Explain in detail how it affects you when your partner tells you that you are a bad person. Be specific about what you want and expect and about the comments and attitudes that you are not willing to tolerate.
5. Demand respect and make your position clear
People have the right to feel hurt, angry and frustrated, but that does not justify them belittling, denigrating, defaming or offending anyone. Paradoxically, as a general rule, we are much more tolerant of emotional abuse than we think.
After all, belittling, ridiculing or insulting does not leave physical scars and we often tend to give in, justifying our partner with any excuse such as “he has had a bad day” or “he has a bad temper, but he will change”, among others. However, the discomfort persists and tends to last over time.
If you have shown an empathetic and understanding posture to your partner, it is time for him to behave in the same way. Just because you understand her pain doesn’t mean you have to let her label you as a bad person, especially if you haven’t done anything serious. No matter how much you love her, You should not tolerate him talking to you and/or treating you badly Discover when there is a lack of respect in a couple in this article.
In short, if your partner behaves towards you that you find hurtful, it is important that you let him or her know what is tolerable and what is not. Be as specific as possible about what is bothering you and because. For example, being told that you are a bad person when something bothers them makes you feel judged and poorly understood.
6. Remember who you are
What to do when your partner makes you feel bad? The most important thing when you are falsely accused is stay connected to your own truth Don’t let other people’s comments define you. Although it is a challenge to maintain your dignity when another person questions it, especially if it is our partner, always keep in mind that you are not defined by anyone’s opinion, not even theirs.
The only person who has the right to define you is yourself. Don’t allow anyone to put your identity, dignity and self-concept in check. Maintaining a relationship is synonymous with enrichment, well-being and emotional growth. If someone imposes her opinion on you, especially a pejorative one, it is not a healthy relationship nor is it love.
7. If the dynamic perpetuates, leave the relationship
If a dynamic of hidden aggression and emotional abuse is established, you must make a decision. Love is a nourishing experience of mutual expansion, protection and care. In it there is no room for verbal attacks pejorative labels, unfounded accusations, constant suspicions, comments intended to hurt others, and inconsiderate attitudes.
If despite your attempts to listen, empathize and understand your partner, he or she insists on the idea that you are a bad person, it is time to leave the relationship If your partner is convinced that you are a bad person, why would they want to maintain a relationship with you if they have such a low opinion of you? Why are you willing to maintain a relationship with someone who considers you a bad person?
When anyone is determined to judge you without understanding you, it shows not only a lack of empathy, but it is a way of devaluing your beliefs, opinions, values and, essentially, everything you are. If your partner has decided to reduce you and your experience to a negative label based on rigidity, intransigence and lack of empathy, there is nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. Furthermore, you shouldn’t try it. It’s not your job to convince anyone of your truth, not even your partner.
This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to Why your partner tells you that you are a bad person and what to do we recommend that you enter our Couples Therapy category.
Bibliography
Brown, B. (2017). Rising strong. Spiegel & Grau.
Echeburúa, E., & Muñoz, JM (2017). Limits between psychological violence and a merely dysfunctional relationship: psychological and forensic implications. Anales de Psicología/Annals of Psychology, 33(1), 18-25.
I’m Emily Williams Jones, a psychologist specializing in mental health with a focus on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness. With a Ph.D. in psychology, my career has spanned research, clinical practice and private counseling. I’m dedicated to helping individuals overcome anxiety, depression and trauma by offering a personalized, evidence-based approach that combines the latest research with compassionate care.
