How To Get Out Of The Role Of Victim In Personal Relationships?
“Why do I always attract the same type of people?” This is a question that is often asked by the victim that lives in us, our ego.
First, notice the word “always.” Is it really true that this happens “always”, that is, that all your relationships are the same? No, but to the ego likes to exaggerate or dramatize It is part of the role of victim that he likes to play so much.
If we analyze our lives, most people suffer because they identify with the victim. They suffer because the partner does not do what they are supposed to do; They suffer because they do not have enough money to feel safe; They suffer because the boss has ordered them to do something that is not their responsibility; They suffer because they are afraid of making a fool of themselves when giving a speech; They suffer because they believe that their body is not the perfect size; They suffer because they believe they are less valid without knowing two languages…
In short, they suffer because they have identified with the victim. I repeat: what hurts is not the situation itself but believing ourselves to be victims of the situation, that is, believe ourselves smaller than we are
From the victim’s point of view, the suffering is attributed to the external circumstance (the partner, money, time, or whatever) and we do not realize that we are actually suffering because we have confused ourselves with someone we really are not If you believe that you are the ego (which specializes in playing the victim), you will suffer even if you get what you wanted. How many people do you know who, even though their life has changed for the better (a promotion, the birth of a child, the recovery of health, or whatever), still feel like victims?
Another curious thing is that the victim believes that if they do not complain or suffer, they cannot find a solution. The victim believes that fulfilling his role (suffering) is how he will achieve his desires
We learned it when we were little. Do you remember when, as a child, you would throw a tantrum until mom or dad would listen to you? After repeating it a thousand times, it stuck in our minds that “we have to be victims” or we won’t get our way. Our parents also learned as children that “he who does not cry does not breast” and now, with us, they give up their power (they fall into the role of “savior” or “victim”) in the face of our tantrums, perpetuating the same thing they learned from their parents. (your grandparents).
The problem is that we “cry” (or complain) because things are not as our ego would like them to be. It is not a strategy that really makes us feel good (nor make others feel good). As you grow in awareness and responsibility, you stop using blackmail and acting to please other egos, and you discover another way of relating to the world.
The victim in relationships
The role of the victim is clear in a thousand and one situations, and even more so in intimate relationships When a person expects the other to do something different in order to feel better, they are telling the Universe the following: “I am not responsible for my life, others have the power to make me happy; I consider myself less than the other person, please.” “Universe, help me.”
And how does the Universe respond? Well, with justice and without favoritism: he responds by breaking your expectations, with which the other person (which is the Universe in disguise) does not do what you expected or desired. The Universe is telling you, through its response: “Believe in yourself, do not look outside for what you can only find within you; you are a complete being because you are I, the Universe manifested through this body.”
Do you understand why we attract the same type of people? Because we continually place ourselves in the role of victim. We attract the right people to break our limiting beliefs (believing that we are less than or that we lack something that only the other person can give). Therefore, the other person is a blessing in disguise as a perpetrator or savior.
How to get out of the role of victim?
When the victim is activated in us, instead of running away or attacking the other person, I suggest you do two things.
Ask yourself if you suffer because the other person doesn’t do what they’re supposed to do.
For example, you have fallen in love with someone and you notice that communication has cooled down, they are no longer looking for the same conversation as you or as you would like. At that moment, the victim in you, who deep down waits for the other person to tell you “I want you, I love you,” suffers.
The question you should ask yourself is: do I suffer because the other person does not talk to me or do I suffer because they believe that I am not complete and I need someone by my side to feel good? Take a few seconds to breathe and reflect on this question. You will realize that you suffer because you believed yourself incomplete.
Then ask yourself “is it true that I am not whole now?” That is, “Is it absolutely true that I’m missing something now?” And notice that he mentions “now” in the question. I’m not interested in what you believe (or think) from your ego (with all the cartoon about how things should be).
I am interested in you looking, observing and feeling yourself in the present moment and answering: “without identifying with the drama of the ego, is there something missing in me now to feel full and happy?” And stop for a moment to breathe and let the answer come from your heart, not your head.
You will realize that now you are not missing anything. Only when you detach yourself from the present moment do you suffer, that is, when you remember the past or imagine a future different from the current reality
Open yourself to deeply feeling the victim that lives in you
Instead of closing yourself off to what you feel by trying to convince the other or accusing the other, look inward and open to knowing the victim that has been activated within you. You should retreat to a quiet place, where you can be alone and without distractions, and sit with yourself. Let the victim talk to you and listen to them.
Give voice (expression) to your victim and find out their story If you do, you will notice how that paper is designed. You will notice that he behaves like a 3-year-old who feels hurt, abandoned or rejected.
Give yourself permission to feel that pain without wanting to change it. If you open your heart to those wounds that you avoided feeling, those wounds, with your consciousness or presence, are transformed, and in the end you find freedom and joy.
By delving into what you previously avoided feeling, you find yourself expanded, more integrated, more complete. And then you realize that you are not the victim but that to which nothing can be added and from which nothing can be subtracted
You are the consciousness that does not change, that no one can hurt nor can hurt anyone. In that moment of connection with your true identity, you will stop believing that you are a victim. In that moment of internal enlightenment, you will realize that everything that happens in your life is perfect, and you will feel grateful towards all the people who made you feel bad.
If you discover your true nature, you will leave behind years of cultural conditioning that has been instilled in us since childhood. Just as as a child you got rid of the belief “Santa Claus exists and knows everything” and no meditation was necessary to deprogram your mind, when you connect with the truth (which you are and always have been), the fantasy that you are a victim.
