The Importance of Differentiation for Coexistence as a Couple

Living together as a couple is one of the spaces that people share, and as in any space of human interaction, conflicts arise, and in many cases it is due to the fact that each member of the couple joins the relationship, with experiences of their family. of origin, considering that this is the “best” way to build the new family, and at the same time forgetting the step of ceasing to be a child (no longer emotionally dependent on the family of origin) without differentiating oneself from one’s family of origin. origin, so each one tries to impose those mandates and beliefs on their new family.

All of this, Gradually, it generates difficulties in the couple, misunderstandings, and mutual anger and over time they wear down the relationship. Hence the importance that the couple must receive support to identify the mandates they bring from their families of origin, they can negotiate them with their current partner, and in this way, build their own customs, habits and traditions in the new family.

Conflicts due to lack of differentiation

This article aims to reflect on the influence that the lack of differentiation of the members of a couple in the resolution of their conflicts, this is based on the fact that both maintain the teachings and learning of their families of origin, without giving themselves the option of generating their own relational structures of coexistence, but rather they are undermined by previous learning that, if They are important, but they impede the couple’s own development, since it does not allow them to face and resolve the daily conflicts that arise, which prevents them from consolidating as a couple that is building their family.

One of the demands of living together as a couple is the emancipation of the family of origin, process that occurs from the process of differentiation of the self from the family, that is, generating emotional and economic autonomy. Without “stopping being a child” (especially if emotionality is not linked to the family of origin), the possibilities of being a couple, forming one and consolidating one’s own couple and family will be difficult, due to not being given the opportunity to learn new things, What being in a couple entails. If these aspects are not met, difficulties will gradually appear in the construction and consolidation of being a couple.

The concept of differentiation of the self

This concept is related to the degree to which a person becomes emotionally differentiated from the father and mother, can make decisions without needing their parents’ approval, can carry out activities even though they do not agree, and their bond is not affected, but their decisions are accepted and they do not love it or allow themselves to be manipulated by the family of origin.

People who have achieved differentiation from their family of origin are capable of engaging in healthy, pleasant and successful interpersonal relationships perhaps because they have developed a secure attachment style, which allows them to recognize healthy spaces and relationships from pathological spaces and relationships, which is why they will seek to sustain the former and distance themselves from the others.

Success in preja and differentiation

To achieve the success of a couple, it is vital that they separate from the family of origin, which is established when the children are adolescents, because the reproductive need arises in them, forcing them to look outside the family bosom for someone who is willing to satisfy your sexual demands Thus, when children allow themselves to leave their family system of origin and encounter new interpersonal relationships, they can establish pleasant loving bonds.

In this way, the beginning of a marital relationship consists of the meeting of two strange and complete people, leaving aside this thought of two incomplete people who hope to complete themselves with their partner, which can lead them to failure. Hence, each member of the couple must recognize what they think, feel and act in their relationship and how they have constructed the meanings of emotional and behavioral exchanges as a couple, and which ones can generate suffering and distance.

For it you can use family stories, which in one way or another are present in the couple’s daily life and in conflict resolution. If the members of the couple do not recognize the importance of differentiating themselves; which is the emancipation of the nuclear family, to be able to form and build their own family, based on their beliefs, learning, and personal expectations, rather than on those that were founded by the families of origin.

Conflicts in the couple will continue and increase, leading the couple to divorce, situations of violence, or maintaining an unsatisfactory relationship, just because of what they will say.

It is made clear that the couple is not free or unaffected by the conflict, only that when a conflict, problem or other factor arises that alters adequate coexistence, it can be faced and resolved. without hurting the relationship, but rather strengthening and consolidating it; That is to say, each discussion in the couple, instead of driving them apart, should bring them closer together, because a topic, situation, or idea that has been resolved should not re-emerge as a difficulty later on.

In this way, to achieve the differentiation process, strategies are developed that allow facing coexistence as a couple in such a way that it is more harmonious, symmetrical, respectful of oneself and the identity of the other, maintain an intense emotional relationship and recognize each other as individual beings of their family of origin, who are building something together and in their own way. This does not mean moving away from the family of origin, but recognizing that they are as a couple, building something of their own, something that must have its own habits, customs and ways of functioning.