Self-esteem And Your Partner: How Your Relationships Affect Your Self-esteem
The relationship between self-esteem and relationships is very close In a relationship we experience well-being, a special bond, and at the same time the greatest fears and insecurities arise. In the face of various relationship crises, conflicts, breaks or breakups, our self-esteem is affected. What is your relationship? How to improve your self-esteem so that your relationships work?
Although we usually relate psychological consultations or therapy with problems derived from anxiety, discouragement or self-knowledge, difficulties in relationships and how they affect your self-esteem are one of the main causes.
However, trying to “raise” self-esteem or considering that the problem is what is happening, as well as working on it with eventual sessions, does not usually have a long-term transformative effect. This is why problems recur over time.
In this article we are going to delve into how your self-esteem is related to the way you live your relationships discover where the problem is, and above all, how you can solve it through your own personal change, both so that your self-esteem and your relationships work.
What I am going to tell you is the result of more than 10 years accompanying people as a psychologist and coach in change processes where they achieved the change they needed in a stable way. At certain moments in our lives, to achieve the change we need, it is necessary to leave theory and move on to practice.
How is your self-esteem affected by your relationships?
It is common for us to think that our self-esteem is lowered, damaged, or even lost due to relationship conflicts, breaks, crises or breakups. However, this idea comes from an error when it comes to understanding self-esteem.
We tend to think that self-esteem is high or low, that it is won or lost, when in reality self-esteem does not work that way. Your self-esteem is an emotional relationship with you, it is the way you see yourself and treat yourself, in such a way that your vision of the world and your relationships flow through your way of building self-esteem.
Your self-esteem then is not high or low, but rather whether it works for you or not And what does it depend on? To what extent your well-being depends mainly on you.
When your well-being depends too much on external factors (how the other person behaves, how they meet your expectations or demands, which in turn come from your fears and insecurities) we feel anguish and anxiety for a simple reason: we cannot control these factors.
In this way, especially in relationships, an intimate and special bond is generated that over time transforms into a tension that is difficult to manage. Fears, insecurities, difficulty communicating assertively and setting your own limits and priorities arise, and self-esteem is affected.
The solution is not necessarily in working on the relationship, but in working with you with your way of building well-being, to then be able to build relationships that work for you and where you can establish clear limits, without losing your purpose, according to a healthier and more independent emotional bond.
The keys between self-esteem and relationships
There are six keys to understanding the relationship between your self-esteem and your experiences as a couple. It is important to understand that in a relationship there will always be difficulties. However, you will face these difficulties in a totally different way if your self-esteem works. If you are experiencing a moment of crisis or breakup, this is an ideal time to do this learning, as it will help you get to know yourself and reduce your discomfort.
These are the six main keys.
1. Self-esteem is neither high nor low
This is a common way of speaking that we psychologists have participated in (in fact, the idea comes from psychology). However, talking about high or low self-esteem is a way of reducing it, of considering self-esteem an object, when in reality self-esteem is not a thing, but a way of doing things. Self-esteem is a system, a way of relating to yourself.
In this way, self-esteem is not affected by your relationship, nor can it be taken away or lowered, but your way of building self-esteem can make the experience in the relationship more difficult, and in turn, than a relationship complicated cause problems in the way you build self-esteem and well-being.
A self-esteem that works gives rise when your well-being depends mainly on you To achieve this, you must work deeply on yourself, manage the emotions that cause you problems (mainly fears, insecurities or guilt, as well as the need for control or jealousy) and change your approach to relationships.
2. Detect behaviors that affect your self-esteem
There are common behaviors that cause a problem in your self-esteem, since it makes your well-being depend on external factors that you cannot control. Some of these behaviors are demands, expectations, comparisons or value judgments.
3. Focus on your priorities and well-being
A relationship is a unique and intimate bond with another person, where we can share our well-being, but not mortgage it. In a relationship you must continue with your priorities with your goals and routines, so that that relationship is a new experience in your life, not a transformation that makes you lose your focus on yourself and then makes you feel isolation and loneliness.
4. Communication
Communication as a couple works when it is assertive, that is, when you don’t lose your honesty about what you want, don’t want, can or can’t. Communication must also be empathetic, as this helps you understand the other. If your communication is opaque, there is sarcasm or demand, your self-esteem will be increasingly affected by your own communication (what we say to each other affects our way of living and seeing what happens).
5. Emotion management
A fundamental factor, since we are emotional beings and how you manage certain emotions, such as fear, insecurity, anger, guilt or discouragement, situations arise that put your self-esteem and well-being in difficulty (within or outside the relationship).
6. Vision of the relationship
A relationship should be an experience to share well-being, not so that your well-being depends on the relationship.
The relationship between self-esteem and life as a couple
Relationships are an experience, we experience well-being but we cannot control it. In the same way, in a breakup we feel that we have lost control over a well-being and security that was a pillar in your daily life For this reason, it is common for fears and insecurities to arise in relationships, and in turn they represent an opportunity to learn to manage what you feel.
When you do not manage your emotions in a functional way, habits emerge, behaviors that are repeated and that generate more and more anxiety.
In turn, the fear of losing relationships prevents us from communicating assertively and setting clear limits. This orientation to give in to the other makes crises or conflicts more complicated experiences.
Improve your self-esteem so that your relationships improve
Improving your self-esteem depends on you, on working with you, on learn to manage what you feel and change your approach to yourself and how to live in relationships A relationship is always a complex experience that depends on the state of two different people. The only thing we can do (and the most valuable thing) is to work with you, so that your well-being depends on you (not the relationship) and thus you can live more positive relationships, both with yourself and with the world and with a possible partner (a current one). or future).
The possible change is the one that occurs in you
One of the most important lessons from relationships (as well as relationships in general) is that we cannot control that link It is made up of different people, who no matter how much they come together, always have different visions. Building a positive relationship implies that acceptance, trust, and clear boundaries are generated. For this reason, your self-esteem must work before living the relationship.
In the same way, in the face of breakups or crises it is necessary to experience a process of internal change. so that the situation does not overwhelm you and generate more anxiety and discouragement
If you want to achieve this, the opportunity arises through your own decision and determination. The moment you decide that you want to change what happens to you, you are already taking the most important step. If you want me to help you achieve it, that first step is very simple. In Human Empowerment you have an option available to schedule a first session with me. In that session or psychological consultation we can get to know each other, discover what the greatest difficulty is in your case, and decide how we can solve it in a stable way.
You will have my company at all times, not only with eventual sessions. You can ask me what you need and receive support when it is most important to you, in addition to having weekly tools and sessions. The change you need comes when you make the decision to live that path.
