Can You Move Forward In A Relationship After Infidelity?
After accompanying on a professional level couples who come to consultation with the need to heal a fragmented bond due to infidelity On the part of either of us, I can say that there are ways to rebuild the bond, the trust.
But the road is long, and not all couples are willing to take this path. Along the way, many couples decide to simply desert.
To begin with, it is important to give focus and meaning to what fidelity means in Western terms; This way we can weave the meaning of this lack in a punishing and accusatory culture.
Let’s understand the meaning. Infidelity is the choice that goes against those implicit and explicit agreements that make up the bond This action does not refer to the merely sexual; The carnal encounter on the level of infidelity is only one of the several causes that formulate this reality.
Whatever the fundamental cause of infidelity, it does generate pain in those who experience it, and This suffering is attenuated to a greater or lesser extent depending on the expectations, the projects and, above all, the culture that accompanies them Still, it generates pain.
I have always thought that fidelity is a conscious choice that is based on the bond and that transcends the merely physical. What happens then when all your expectations are placed on that other, who becomes your everything, your meaning, your deep reason and your only truth; and then infidelity appears? A betrayal that generates deep trauma in the relationship But it is not only limited to the relationship, it also confronts you with who you are as a human being; with your concept, with your image, with your value as a person, with your ego.
It is time to ask yourself if the agreements were really so clear that they have given rise to a wrong interpretation on the part of our partner regarding infidelity and its limits.
After understanding the scope of infidelity, the question arises: Is it worth continuing to build with that person who has transgressed the limits of my trust and my trust? In this question many elements will come into play, such as: family, projects, dreams and interests that you have with the other… But above all, the question must be determined by the Self. For my personal worth and what the link means to me in relation to my personal intentions; Only from this place is it possible to build and come to an agreement with oneself regarding what we choose.
In our system we have a deep-rooted sense of unity, which is why we frequently we immerse ourselves in the desire to maintain, sometimes, unsustainable relationships ; but we understand this after going through the pain of betrayal as many times as possible.
In therapy
Couples who come to therapy with the hope of finding forgiveness and giving meaning to trust, the bond and their relationship, They face an uncomfortable, harsh and sometimes even disintegrated reality that calls us to order, and it is precisely therapy, the act of talking about what is uncomfortable, of putting on the table what we avoid as much as possible because it calls us to the responsibility of taking care of ourselves. In an act of responsibility and others of despair, we find ourselves sitting there in front of a third party in which I put all the hope of reintegrating my most basic sense of humanity.
Encounter after encounter they begin to be recognized, depending on the therapeutic focus that the professional manages to intertwine in his speech and in his procedure, the channels of introspection necessary so that from individuality the responsibility that one has with the other appears and thus understand that it takes more than communication, projection, meaning, love, recognition to make a relationship sustainable.
This navigation leads the couple to ask themselves different questions and integrate the purpose so that the system is adequate. Agreements can never lead us to make resignations, or to assume burdens that are not natural, or to demand inappropriate changes. A relationship should be a perfect balance between two people who choose each other as their life project
In that sense, the therapeutic space allows you to integrate your desires, my desires, your limits, my limits and our relational agreement.
Only the therapeutic movement leveraged by the psychic movement of each of the consultants that make up the couple manages to make us move forward; not mobilized by the ego, but by love itself. Then it is possible to speak of a reconciliation, that is, a new review of what we are as individuals in a couple system.
As a specialist couples therapist I seek to reach agreements sustained by love, recognition and above all respect I seek to integrate the individuality of the being into a system that operates in an environment. I seek to blur guilt to focus on responsibility for the care of the other. I seek that elevated consciousness allows me to choose wisely and act in honor of that. I am looking for a closure that only has two options: choose us again or be grateful for what we were, generate learning and continue.
