When they caress us we feel that they love us and by being “someone” for others we respond to their caresses. Sometimes we complain because significant people do not provide us with the caresses we need, other times that the caresses are not adequate (that we are in Jupiter and others are in Saturn) and other times that instead of caresses we receive constant reproaches.
In this PsicologíaOnline article, we talk about the importance of caresses in a couple and the meaning they have.
Aristotle built his ethics with the principle of prudence because he understood that virtue was an equidistant middle point between two extremes. For Stagyrite, the abundance of caresses would be as harmful as their scarcity. Thus, the value of caresses It comes from what we might call the “gift of opportunity.”
In the same way that we need a certain level of oxygen to live – both excessive and insufficient oxygen does not allow us to breathe properly. We require certain doses of caresses Some may need a lot of caresses and others are satisfied with very few, but in one way or another they are essential to give meaning to human existence. There are not only differences in the amount of caresses we need, but also in the type of caresses. To a large extent, the caresses that we demand and offer are determined by social learning, although they will always depend on our specific personality style.
The caresses of the lover
It is when we fall in love that the full flow of caresses that we are capable of offering and demanding emerges. Unfortunately, in general we do not live forever in love and we return to the usual level of caressing.
From a psychotherapeutic perspective, what is really important is realize -beyond the inexhaustible source of caresses that emanate when we feel full- both the caresses we need and those we provide habitually.
The law of abundance of caresses
The transactional analysis psychotherapy has proposed the “law of abundance of caresses.” This law is made up of five precepts: give positive caresses when appropriate, ask for the positive caresses you need, accept the positive caresses you deserve, do not accept destructive negative caresses, and give yourself positive caresses.
Give positive strokes when appropriate It’s about finding out what type of caresses each person needs most and providing it to them. Acceptance of the other implies respecting her individuality and loading her store of positive caresses to the maximum.
Ask for positive caresses that you need Many times we expect others to be fortune tellers, we wait for their caresses without telling them absolutely anything about what we really need. Communication is key in any type of relationship, but on many occasions we become accustomed to defective or failed communications. From a psychotherapeutic perspective it is best to be direct, take risks and learn from experience.
Accept the positive caresses you deserve Self-esteem largely defines our self-concept. When we are given positive caresses we have to accept them and welcome the person who gives them to us, otherwise they will get tired of being rejected. On the other hand, a torrent of positive caresses without accepting some negative caresses would lead us to wasteland: accepting mistakes without devaluing ourselves is a sign of high self-esteem and self-confidence.
Do not accept destructive negative caresses One has to know one’s limits and not allow oneself to be rated below or above them. An inflated ego requires ascending from deflated egos to crush them immensely. The caresses that are accepted powerfully influence the internal frame of reference.
Give yourself positive strokes One has the right to love and accept oneself as one is. Perfectibility is a worthy aspiration, but we have to accept that we make mistakes because we are human. It is as necessary to admit successes and strengths (in moderation) as it is to recognize defects or errors (but without devaluing yourself). One has to be able to laugh at oneself, to give oneself rewards for doing things well: making love, reading, playing, listening to music, etc.
This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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