Co-dependence: When Your Well-being Depends On How Others Are Doing
Human beings are emotional, affective and above all social beings. The quality of our relationships has an important influence on our well-being, whether they are relationships as a couple, family, friends or at work. However, when your well-being depends too much on how others are doing, unpleasant tension is generated. It’s about co-dependence
If an emotional or affective type of dependence is when your well-being depends too much on others (on their behavior, their communication or attitudes, etc.), co-dependence is the unpleasant feeling of constant concern about the emotional state of the other, in such a way that you feel that their well-being depends on you.
What are the consequences? In your life as a couple you completely give in to the other’s criteria (or the needs you think they have). In personal or friendly relationships we lose assertiveness and, in part, our own identity. At work we end up accumulating extra tasks and responsibilities. Whatever the context, the result is the same: anxiety, exhaustion and anguish.
However, co-dependence is a psychological and emotional problem that we can solve In this article we are going to delve into why it happens and how to solve it through your own personal change and learning. To do this, I base myself on the experience of more than 10 years accompanying as a psychologist and coach people who had this difficulty and achieved the change they needed (you can see their testimonies in Human Empowerment. Let’s go for it.
Let’s delve deeper into what co-dependence is. It is a way of building personal relationships that generates anxiety and anguish, since your well-being and security depends on how you believe those connections are or need them. Of course: when we build positive bonds we care about each other. Co-dependence is a type of worry that causes constant discomfort.
Co-dependence leads us to the need for control, to insecurity, to believing that the other is in trouble and that we must solve it or help beyond our abilities or even the will of the other It also generates guilt in us, since we consider the discomfort of others our responsibility.
This is how relationships are built based on that guilt and dependence, where caring for the other becomes so important that you lose your identity, needs and focus.
In a profound way, co-dependence is an emotional and self-esteem problem, since it causes us problems setting limits, knowing what we are responsible for and what we are not, and ends up transforming into anxiety and anguish.
There are four main causes that lead us to live our relationships from that co-dependent system.
The root causes of co-dependence
All causes of our problems are based on behaviors. Although we think that it is a root or deep learning (and it is partly so), the most important thing is how we maintain that system and way of feeling through your behaviors.
Let’s see what the four main causes are.
Fear and insecurity
At all times we have talked about emotions. Co-dependence generates anguish and anxiety, but it is previously based on fears and insecurities that we have not known how to manage in a functional way We also feel guilt, excessive worry (which can lead us to rumination or intrusive thoughts, so associated with the anxious state) and anger.
Learning to manage these basic emotions is also the root of the solution, since they condition your every decision and vision about what happens to you.
Overprotection or need for control
Overprotection is essentially a need for control because we fear the consequences. This problem translates into multiple actions: being too attentive to others, searching for information, doing too many tasks, giving up part of your needs, etc.
These behaviors continue and form the basis of the problem, which is why it is so important to work with a concrete action plan to solve it in a profound and stable way over time.
Relationship focus
Our way of approaching relationships also conditions them. If for you a relationship is an experience where you save the other, you will end up feeling co-dependent A positive relationship is above all an intimate bond between two people with difficulties but where their well-being depends mainly on each one.
Personal autonomy, limits and your own space are essential keys to building healthy relationships (intimate, personal or work).
Opaque communication
Finally, It is necessary to delve deeper into how your communication leads you to these difficulties If it is too opaque and not assertive, it generates more anxiety and, over time, outbursts of anger. If we do not communicate assertively, we also feel a lack of personal identity by not making our own decisions, and this also discourages us over time.
Now that we know the causes, let’s go for the solutions.
Solve the problem from your own personal change and learning
Although we usually feel that a problem like this is part of your personality and that it is difficult to change it, what generates that difficulty is the idea itself. The human being is not born feeling co-dependent. Every system of relationships can be changed, but for this it is necessary that there be personal learning work.
For this reason, experiencing this process with only sporadic sessions can give us relief, but it does not imply a substantial and true change. For this change to exist you must work with yourself in a deep and at the same time practical way, where you apply concrete changes that change that system.
It is necessary to work according to five factors:
For these reasons, my way of accompanying as a psychologist and coach is constant: every day, for any need, as well as with weekly tools and sessions. If you want to solve the problem, remember that you can schedule a session with me at Human Empowerment.
