How To Act In The Face Of Irrational Behavior From Others?

Hasn’t it happened to you that there are certain people who tend to behaving toxically towards those around them making us feel guilty of your problems, uncomfortable In response to certain responses, helpless in the face of their irrational or violent arguments?

Before these ways of acting sometimes we give in, acting passively and agreeing with the other person, even if they are not. This type of coping with problems or relating to others is the passive or inhibited N We avoid an immediate problem, but we increase the discomfort in the long term If we systematically convince ourselves that our desires or feelings are not important, and that those of others have more weight, negative feelings will build up like water in a glass, or like pressure in a pot, until it bursts. Disorders appear (anxiety, depression, etc.) and/or explosions of aggressiveness and irritability directed towards those we love the most or with whom we have the most trust (when it should never be like that, but quite the opposite), triggered by minor details. Here, a pattern of coping with problems and relating to others is developed. passive-aggressive.

Eye! Sometimes there is no choice but to give in

If we have a rabid and rabid dog in front of us, obviously we will have to give it our chops. Why is it okay to give in in this situation and not other times? In this situation we are safeguarding a basic objective and need for us: survival. It favors us. We do not convince ourselves that our chop is not important to us, we just give it away this time, momentarily, to obtain a greater benefit. This is what is called external passivity, because internally, we still know that we wanted the chop, but that due to a need for survival we had to give it up. It’s the same as when we listen to our boss so that he doesn’t fire us. This type of passivity is productive, as we sacrifice an immediate desire for the greater good. For example, in coexistence, discussing continually for trifles it can trigger bigger problems, such as a negative atmosphere (which in a couple can end in a breakup).

The internal passivity is counterproductive given that you systematically deceive yourself by telling yourself that your desires or feelings were not that important, and you end up giving in by not arguing with the other person for fear that they will reject and/or devalue you. Your discomfort will increase, since you will be constantly trying to please everyone, based on the irrational belief that we have to be loved by everyone, that they should approve of us, and that we have to do everything in our power to make them happy. That is fulfilled, even if we have to give up our rights, desires and feelings, and if it turns out that they do not approve of us, it would mean that we would be worthless as a person. This, logically, is a fallacy. Nobody is worth more or less than anyone else. It is true that the approval of others is pleasant, but it should not be the center of our self-esteem, above all because mMany times its approval does not depend on us We can explode from pure exhaustion with great anxiety from so much servitude towards others and so little respect towards ourselves, overflowing with favors with others and doing everything that interests us wrong out of fatigue, because whoever takes a lot of space, the less he tightens up.

On the other hand, other times we respond with the same coin: we attack. If they make us feel guilty, we will make them feel ashamed; If they shout at us, we will shout even more; If the other does nothing at home, less so do we; If they respond to us with falsely well-intentioned aggressive hints, so do we, and with sarcasm and irony. This way of dealing with this type of problem is called aggressive We only see our preferences (which we falsely convert into needs), desires and feelings, without taking into account those of others. We get carried away by our emotions and do not empathize with the other person, we only see their grievances, we begin to devalue them as a person and see all their negative aspects. The urban legend that “discharging” aggression is healthy is just that, a legend. The more angry you get, the more anger and resentment you will have inside, you will see people in a more demanding way, with more flaws as people, judging them and categorizing them in devaluating adjectives (lazy, selfish, stupid, etc.), and the worse you will also feel about your behavior with others, there will come a time that you will not be able to control. This causes a growing discomfort within you for wrongly demanding that others must guess your desires and/or feelings (when others already have enough of their own), that they have to give it more importance than you so that you can be humble to theirs. eyes and that they should realize if they are not selfish. This, obviously, will almost never be fulfilled. A typical example is when we respond aggressively to our partner when they ask us what’s wrong (“What’s wrong with me! What do you think? Think about it). People will avoid you, since you will make them feel uncomfortable, violent and misunderstood. By this I do not mean that you become passive, far from it.

In order to be able to discharge oneself in a healthy way, be able to please others, handle problems efficiently and achieve your goals and desires without stepping on those of others, the best way to behave is assertiveness In assertiveness we defend our rights, feelings, preferences and opinions in an appropriate manner, understanding the other person and respecting them, speaking with an appropriate, calm, firm and clear tone, also taking into account the rights, feelings and preferences of the other person. It is basically:

• accept the other person’s irrational behavior, that is, to understand it, not to share it. We are all human beings and all of us at some point have behaved irrationally, whether due to our circumstances, mood, learning, stage in life, etc.
• Understanding this, we can begin to calm ourselves and the other person so we can talk about the problem appropriately

If we cannot calm down, it is best to use “time out”, That is, informing the other person that he and/or we are too angry to talk about the problem, and that it would be best to talk about it another time.

One way to calm the other person is to feel understood Simply by being interested in her state of mind and asking her Please explain to us in detail what is bothering you, produces a balsamic effect on which it is acting irrationally. The problem begins to be analyzed, and From here we can find a solution

Example: “I see that you are very angry. What happened to you? You can tell me, I will try to understand it and we will find a solution together so that it does not happen again.”

In the end, We can calmly talk to him about how his aggressive behavior earlier made us feel. (not him as a person, just his way of acting) and that we would prefer that from now on he could count on us to tell us openly, honestly and assertively what problems he suffers from. Only the we are informing (we have the right to inform) our feelings, which are real and legal, and what you would prefer in the future.

This applies to couples, friends, co-workers, etc.

With critical people, it is very effective ignore negative comments you make about others and reinforce positive comments paying attention or nodding with interest. Over time, they often end up speaking more favorably about others.

In summary, assertiveness is a perfect instrument to respect your own rights, desires and feelings as a person, without stepping on those of others, reaching an intermediate point through calm, empathetic and serene negotiation, without abstractions, that is, informing in detail what the problem is and what solutions we can carry out.

This ability will allow us to be more comfortable with ourselves and with others, it is the law of “I win, you win.” It makes you more decisive and effective in the problems of daily life.