Every middle-aged adult in our society has a slight, or not so slight, perception about the existence of a loss of values, of a social change, of a decline in the way we relate and treat each other, in the way of working in society or perceiving reality.
When I ask my patients what they understand by values, few find a direct relationship between them and their state of discomfort or psychological conflict But in reality there are many who really suffer from this clash between their beliefs and the new reality in our society, which is not so new, far from it.
We define values as qualities or principles that could describe part of our personality. Patterns that we consider something favorable or positive, to relate to others. Actions that derive from these qualities, tasks that we have to fulfill to feel agreement between what we do and what we feel we should be.
By new reality we mean the fact that there has been a paradigm shift. They taught us that In order for there to be a healthy coexistence and for ourselves to feel happiness, we had to respect certain rules Those rules have changed. And we feel, in principle, that now everything is more comfortable and easier.
But… is it really like that?
Many of the people who come to see me feel, as expected, emptiness, unhappiness, dissatisfaction or loneliness. And they don’t know why. They don’t know what’s wrong, what’s missing in their lives. What is the absence, what is that thing that they do not know when or how they have lost.
Many of us have come to feel that almost unconscious perception at a given moment. A holiday, a Saturday night, on our vacations, working, when we think about our past, present and future romantic relationships…
We already see part of the problem, don’t we? Exact, the difference between the expectations we have created about what things should be and reality than they really are.
Discomfort with unrealistic expectations
When we stay home on a Saturday night and think we should be giving it our all and posting photos on social media; When our summer vacation arrives and we have no boat to sail on, no beachfront apartment, no five-star hotel reservation in an exotic destination… we feel a spontaneous and incomprehensible discomfort
The same thing happens to us in our life as a couple. If we have it, we believe that our life should be better than it is. Maybe more sex, or more adventure, or more romance. Or we envy the single person who is not tied to a routine. If we don’t have one, we send someone who has a partner, imagining that she lives much happier than us.
Everything makes sense when we rationalize those emotions we stop, think and see how we have created those expectations.
A loop of unmet wants and needs
Social networks have become the most consumed product today. In them we see images of laughter, glamour, fun, unattainable destinations and ideals of a couple, which many times are neither ideal nor a couple. The capitalist and consumerist society with its advertising motivates us, through the individualism that it sells to us, to consume.
Consume to be better than others, to be different It is the trap of dissatisfaction that forces us to continue buying and consuming. The one that proposes unattainable and unrealistic goals of social status and beauty. So that we pursue them in an endless race.
The pornography and hypersexualization that we receive every day makes any type of sexual relationship within our reach seem too bland or routine. We find that sex, if it is not wild and passionate, is a bland and disappointing practice.
We have accepted junk television and the Internet as hyperreality above reality, and it seems that outside of the mobile there is nothing interesting anymore. That it is no longer worth raising our heads and relating to everything around us.
Today everything can be financed, so we consume, consume and consume. We’ll pay later. We have forgotten what waiting is, consideration for others, tolerance for frustration. We have forgotten that sometimes things don’t go as we expect. And that is not a drama. That is why, when our desires are not fulfilled, we feel so bad.
We are consumed by the feeling of dissatisfaction, unpopularity, and devaluation of ourselves, of incomprehensible emptiness, of not taking advantage of time as we should. And we cannot and do not want to experience this discomfort alone, so we unload it on those around us.
Our unconscious has internalized very harmful messages. For example: striving to achieve anything is torture. If something bad happens or goes wrong, it’s a drama. Nothing is our responsibility. Things should always be positive. Our expectations must be met just because.
Effort, patience, perseverance, humility, gratitude, kindness, sincerity, responsibility… have become virtues, almost old-fashioned divine acts.
Can you do something about it?
But I have good news. It is possible to change this situation. It can be achieved through self-esteem and personal growth Of course, it is not simple.
We have to believe that what we do has value. We have to learn to identify those irrational ideas that limit us and plunge us into anxiety and sadness. We have to start being aware that things are not as we have been told.
We have to assume that reality is constructed by us through what we do And we have to understand that reality counts the same if we do not share it on networks. Even more.
If you have felt that this article represents you, do not hesitate to consult a psychology professional. Undoing those mental knots and recovering the happiness you deserve is easier than you think.
