It seems that we are increasingly aware that, if this life has any meaning, it is to live it from happiness.
Enjoy the good moments, the feeling of inner fulfillment that makes us feel better than anything else. Being aware of all the wonderful things we have in the form of family, friends, experiences, material goods, health… In short, being aware that I have plenty of reasons to be happy.
Exactly the same thing happens with fatherhood and motherhood In the past we saw couples who seemed to have children simply because it was the time, because it was normal. But now we are much more aware that motherhood (and fatherhood) is one of the most relevant and beautiful aspects that can happen in life.
Until one or two generations ago, “bringing your children forward” was a path of obstacles that had to be overcome Survival was far above enjoyment, and it seemed that seeking one’s own happiness and that of one’s child was relegated to last place on the list of priorities. It was considered absurd.
The mission of a mother or father was to have useful, responsible and hard-working children. Whether or not both children and parents were happy was a consequence of the work and the standard of living achieved. And despite this, the happiness levels of those generations were much higher than those of the current one.
Curiously, now that we focus on raising happier children, and that we seek personal self-realization through parenthood, our levels of stress, anxiety and depression derived from raising and educating our children are much higher. What is the reason for this contradiction?
In a way this is explained by the very nature of our mind. It is programmed for many very important things, but one of them is not happiness. Surviving, becoming better and better, living in society, are some of the functions it helps us fulfill. Like every coin, it has a double side, which is the real problem
1. Survival above all else
To survive, you have to anticipate the problems you may encounter along the way. Therefore, Thinking about what can happen to you and finding ways to avoid it is one of the functions of the mind
Plus, the mind loves routine. It is a way to achieve that survival. “If what I did yesterday allowed me to stay alive, today I will do it again.” This is the approach, although happiness remains in the background.
The mission of the mind in this sense with respect to motherhood leads you to live aware of the bad things that could happen to your child For example, adolescence “is full of dangers” these days, right? Addictions, bullying, youth depression, dropping out of school… There is a lot of talk about it in the media, and the mind automatically leads you to live it as if it were going to happen to you, and to look for ways to avoid it at all costs.
2. Reach your best version
Being better and better, feeling that you are improving yourself, that you are “your best version”, is a noble aspiration, don’t you think? This improvement will lead us to feel more fulfilled, happier.
But we return to the double side of the coin. To improve, what do I need to focus on? Well yes, of course, what I do wrong. That’s why your mind (and mine) is always aware of show you and remind you of what you were not perfect at It invites you to learn, but under the old expression of “the letter with blood enters.”
In the case of parenting with your children, that search to be a better mother each time, and for your child to be better each time, leads you to continuous criticism (towards yourself and him/her), to think that, Although things are good, they could be better, and repeat to yourself what is not good and that should be improved.
This way of acting is the source of the low self-esteem that our little ones often suffer from and that is seen when they reach adolescence.
3. Integrated and with friends
One of the sources of human progress has been the ability to organize and live in society It distinguishes us from many other “inferior” species (but which curiously seem much happier).
There is nothing better to live in society than to look like your fellow man. Adapt to what the majority dictates, be part of that community on a physical, attitudinal and emotional level to generate the feeling of belonging that gives us so much security, right? However, once again, there is a “but”.
This need to “fit in,” It makes us realize how different our lives are from those of others Because we are aware of our fears, desires and personal and emotional deficits, while before our eyes, others lead a life of apparent peace, harmony and happiness. What would they think of me if they knew my “dark secret?” Once again, our mind is playing tricks on us.
As parents, repeating to our little ones “what are others going to think of you?” or making them feel different and therefore judged by others, creates a feeling of isolation that distances them from that ideal socialization. Furthermore, as a mother you will be facing motherhood in a way that is painful for you, and this will become an obstacle to feeling happy.
Who controls your mind?
Faced with this dark present, it is not easy to find a way out. There are people who explain the mind as a runaway horse that drags you if you don’t know how to tame it. I do not think so.
To me, the mind is more like a speeding freight truck full of flammable material and whose driver suffers from narcoleptic attacks (what a scene, don’t you think?).
Imagine, the danger is constant. The strength of the mind lies in the fact that its volume is overwhelming. More than 60,000 daily thoughts accompany you from day to night. That’s why, controlling the mind is not an easy task What it is about is realizing when it is useful to you and when it is not.
Given such a constant volume of information, our mission must be discern when it is really helping us to be happier parents, and when it is showing us the unpleasant other side of the coin the one that distances us from happiness.
So what’s stopping you from being a happy mother?
In order to differentiate what is useful for you to be happy from what is not, I will leave you some important keys. Above all, the goal with them is for you to be able to identify when your mind is taking that path and separating you from your personal well-being.
1. Avoid expectations
The need to know what is going to happen is inherent to the mind, to have everything under control (or believe that you have it). But forget about it, it is not possible to achieve it. No matter how much you try, you will not be able to write the life of your son or daughter Let yourself be surprised, and put your effort into the positive things you can do now for him or her.
Given the daily volume of information that resonates in our heads, There are messages installed in the mind that prevent us from feeling good, and that arise simply because “it has always been that way.” Remember that the mind loves routine if it makes it survive, but what you believe prevents you from being happier.
Realize what thoughts and habits you have had with your children that are repeated and that keep you from feeling like a happy mother. Also, discover what attitudes you adopt simply because you experienced them at home as a daughter. There you have some keys to start changing.
3. Direct your attention towards what really matters
Wherever you put your attention, you help the thoughts associated with that experience become bigger. Currently we have many occasions to “distract our attention” and stop it from operating properly (television, mobile phone, social networks…).
Realize that What can really make you feel like a happy mother is happening now, and only by paying attention to it will you be able to enjoy it Your son will follow his stages as we have all followed throughout our lives, but the most important is the one he is experiencing today.
In conclusion…
As you can see, they are three very simple things but they require your commitment, your work and your perseverance. Boost your mind, develop your emotion regulation skills through Emotional Intelligence and Mindfulness so that you learn to recognize it, understand it and manage it as you need to live parenthood or motherhood in a much more satisfactory way. That way you will realize that you can really be a happy mother.
If you are encountering many problems in the process of establishing a good relationship with motherhood or fatherhood, I invite you to contact me; From Mindfulness and the tools to enhance Emotional Intelligence, I can offer you a training plan in emotion management skills.
