Christmas is a time of reunion, of being with family, of Christmas meals… We all know what that means. In a word: conflict.
Christmas is a reunion time, being with the family, Christmas meals… A happy time, yes. But for many a time full of conflicts, more than gifts.
We are going to find many people around the same table, different generations, with different values, opinions, political ideologies, even religious ones… we see people again after a long time, who will want to know about us, catch up quickly and will pepper us with questions, some luckier than others, some easier to answer than others. Each one with their mentality, their quirks, their way of being… but all together. This situation can make us anxious just thinking about it.
I invite you to stop for a second within the christmas madness and reflect on how and with whom you want to spend these days. It may seem silly, but many times we agree to go to business dinners, with friends or family, when what we really want is to be somewhere else, with other people, simply because we haven’t had time to think about it. Sometimes, we realize it too late, when we are involved in a meal with people with whom we have nothing to talk about or we feel uncomfortable or in a bad mood without really knowing why. You still have time.
My first recommendation goes to relation to the answer what you just thought. If you know you don’t want to go, don’t go. But sometimes it is not so easy to make this decision…Or say no.
You may feel in the obligation to go because they are excited to see you, to be all together, and you want to make them happy, Total, if it’s only one day… Or maybe you have already given your word, And now how do I tell them that I’m not going? I’m going to look bad… they’re going to get angry…Or maybe you know that if you go, you will have to put up with that annoying cousin who won’t shut up even under water or that gossipy aunt who won’t stop asking you questions about your life, and even though you really want to see the rest of the family , it takes you back to be with them.
If despite all this, you decide to go, here are some tips to make it more bearable:
1. Adjust expectations
First of all, we must adjust our expectations It is possible that if we don’t want to go, we imagine the worst possible situation, where all our fears come true. It is possible that it will happen, we cannot deny that, but surely everything can’t be so bad. Think about the positive things you can find, whether it’s seeing people you miss again, returning home or going on a trip to another place, enjoying homemade food from that person who cooks so well, etc. You choose whether to focus on the good or the bad. What is more important to you?
2. Anticipate
In case that we can anticipate For example, an argument, because every year we argue with the same person or the same topic, we can think about what to answer in advance so as not to get carried away by anger or how to change the topic. For example, if that person sits next to us every year, we can try sitting somewhere else. Or if we know that talking about a certain topic, as is usually the case with politics, the atmosphere is going to get heated, it is better if we don’t bring it up. Many times we anticipate what is going to happen (it is usually the worst possible scenario) and we stay there. We are going to take advantage of it, so that we have an ace up our sleeve for every problem or unforeseen event that may arise.
3. Don’t idealize
This is in the worst case scenario… but it is not advisable that let’s idealize it, Well not everything is going to turn out perfect. Maybe someone can’t attend, there may be an argument, or you may say something you later regret. Once again, you decide what to focus on. You may think that just because of what happened everything was ruined, but was it really like that?
A good strategy for any situation is to take things with a sense of humor. Whether it is an indiscreet question, a joke or something that has not turned out as planned, it will always be better to try to see the funny side If we are unable, we can put into practice other strategies such as talking to another person, going to another room… but if the discomfort does not subside and we are really feeling bad, perhaps it is time to leave. And with this I return to the first recommendation that I have given you: be aware of how we are and choose. At this point we can feel proud for having come and ending the evening.
How to face the first Christmas meals as a couple?
The situation can be especially uncomfortable if it is the first christmas meal with our partner’s family or if there were previous tensions. In this case there is a very wide range of situations: from the introduction or first time we spend the dates with your family, to the typical disputes such as the unequal distribution of the dates.
If it is the first time you have dinner with them, because you have not had chance before or because you choose Christmas to do it, the only thing I can tell you is: good luck! I hope the above strategies are helpful to you.
If we consider that the distribution It is not equitable, the best thing is to express it to our partner and propose another distribution. Maybe he will accept it, maybe he won’t and we will have to continue negotiating until we reach an agreement. But keep in mind that it will always be better to express how we feel in order to find a solution, than to expect the other person to guess it or to put up with it and have the resentment increase, because later we will be upset.
If it is the family that wants to spend more time with our partner and we feel that we are entering a competition, we must stop it. If we continue with this, all we are going to achieve is that I will have to choose between your family or me. Don’t compare or compete, understand that the relationship he has with his parents and the one he has with you is different. We can also apply this to customs, the way of cooking, the way of relating… We must be flexible. Every family is different and that does not mean it is better or worse.
Likewise, we must set limits if we feel that the respect is not mutual Maybe we feel that they are involved too much in relationship problems, which overwhelm us or take liberties. We can express to them how we feel and to what extent we are going to feel comfortable and from what point we are not. For example, if they tell us how to do things, we can thank them for their advice and clarify that we prefer to do it this way, or express that so far it has worked for us doing it this way, but that we will follow their advice and try it to see. how are you. The objective is to try to enforce our way of acting, but without destroying theirs.
We can put the same advice into practice to try not to encourage or feed the discussions with the in-laws. In this case we can lean on our partner and communicate how we are feeling. We can think of our partner as our ally, since it is important that we support each other. If we are the other party, let’s try to understand what they are expressing to us and mediate between each other.
If we have tried in every possible way get along with them, but we see that it is impossible, let’s accept it. Maybe you are too different, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make an effort not to argue, even if it’s about your partner. I hope these little recommendations for Christmas are helpful to you!
