Need For Approval: What It Is And How It Can Become A Problem
Feeling approved and accepted by others is a human need, totally natural and necessary for our survival. By having others validate us, our self-esteem grows, as well as our well-being since we feel safe and protected.
The need for approval is totally natural and adaptive in the human species, as long as it is healthy. Sacrificing who you are to make sure you fit in with a group or the rest of society is not healthy, since you are not being approved for who you are, but for what you pretend to be.
The line between the healthy need for approval and the pathological one, that is, dependency, can be fine and it is this issue that we are going to look at next.
As much as it may be hard for us to admit it, we all seek the approval of others. It is natural, since the need for validation is as human and inherent to our nature as the need to eat or breathe. It has a very important adaptive function, which is to get other people to accept us in their respective groups in order to obtain their protection and help in the face of a threat or unfavorable situation
Many people become obsessed with trying to please others, so much so that they even sacrifice their way of being. In order to try to fit into a certain group, they behave in a way that is completely different from how they really are, even fearing that others will know what they really are like. This means that their lives are totally controlled by the way others see them, feeling very unhappy when they see that someone criticizes them or they do not manage to be liked by everyone.
Human beings want to please and be flattered, but it is one thing to feel valued and quite another to depend extremely on others to accept us in order to feel good. The need for approval It can become a real mental health problem if it becomes extreme dependency especially if the person changes their way of being and their appearance to satisfy people who have no reason to offer them real help.
Approval and childhood
From the moment we are born we have the need for others to validate and approve us. This is perfectly adaptive, since if we see it from an evolutionary perspective it happens that we seek others to accept us, admit us into their respective groups and, thus, we receive their protection and security. The nature of human beings is social and, as social animals that we are, we need others to survive.
The search for approval can already be seen in childhood and in our childhood. we need validation from both adults and other boys and girls By interacting with them we not only achieve protection and security, but we also manage to find ourselves in an environment favorable to learning and emotional well-being. Feeling loved and valued by others, we are more likely to imitate their behavior, and the love and affection we receive from them fill us emotionally.
However, in the case of marginalized children, their need for approval is not satisfied. This can have multiple consequences on a psychological level, among which the first and most visible is a great lack of self-esteem which, after all, has an important social component: if others do not value us, we can hardly value ourselves.
Another case is that of children who are taken into account but in a negative way If we are told everything bad we do, highlighting our defects and weaknesses, it is clear that our self-esteem will be greatly reduced. Receiving negative comments from both colleagues and family increases the need for approval. When he grows up, this child will desperately seek the approval that he did not receive and, at the slightest that someone shows him a little affection, he will try to bond intensely with that person in a very pathological and dependent way.
The need for pathological approval: emotional dependence
There may be several situations that have caused a person to have a great need for approval, that is, to have a great dependence on others to show them validation. As we have just seen, this need has an important role in childhood and it is in that period when, if there is any problem, it causes the need for healthy approval to become pathological dependence.
There are several aspects that warn us that someone depends a lot on the approval of others. People with dependence on approval never show disagreement or different opinions. They confuse being kind and pleasing others with saying yes to everything that the person they are trying to please likes or says they want to do. That is, they think that if they say “no” or show a different opinion, they will anger the person they are trying to get approval from and they are very afraid of this situation happening.
People dependent on other people’s approval have an emotional state that varies greatly depending on the opinion of others. If they are flattered or congratulated, even if it is a very simple comment that is not that big of a deal, they feel euphoric and happy as soon as they hear it. On the other hand, if they are given criticism, no matter how small, constructive and peaceful it may be, they feel very sad and worthless. Whether it is good or bad, the feedback received is exaggerated to unadaptive levels.
They are usually very concerned about their appearance, since they care a lot about what others think and, of course, image is included among the issues for which they want to be accepted. It is not pathological to dress up a little or follow trends, but it is pathological if it becomes a necessity. These people are incapable of going out without dressing up completely, hiding their “defects”, combing their hair to the latest style and wearing the fashion that they feel is most appropriate to fit in with the people they want to like.
Can the need for pathology approval be eliminated?
It is possible to eliminate the need for pathological approval, but we must understand that this will only be possible with the guidance of a psychologist and a lot of work. Likewise, there are several tips and recommendations that we can take into account if we want to prevent this need for approval from completely controlling our lives.
1. Only we know ourselves thoroughly
There will be people who are left with a defect in us and judge us entirely based on it, but these people are not in possession of the truth. We are the ones who know ourselves best and know (or should know ourselves) what our strengths and weaknesses are
The important thing is that we accept ourselves as we are and know where to improve. This does not mean that we should only seek approval from ourselves, since as social animals we need to interact with others to have emotional well-being, however, we will not be able to establish healthy relationships with other people without first accepting and knowing ourselves. themselves.
2. We can’t please everyone
People are very diverse and we can see virtues where others see defects. There will always be people who criticize and disapprove of us, but there will also be those who support and accept us It is this second type of people that we have to approach, since they are the ones who will provide us with emotional well-being, accepting us as we are, with our strengths and weaknesses.
We all want to receive praise and compliments, but that is not always the case. Sometimes we will receive disapproval and criticism, but these are not necessarily a bad thing nor are they signs of rejection It is true that there are those who make these comments abruptly, but others do so in a polite and constructive way, often thinking about what is best for us, making comments so that we learn to be better people.
That comment may provoke negative emotions in us, but that is not necessarily bad or a personal attack. We should try to react calmly to criticism, be patient and learn not to feel attacked, in addition to learning to control our emotions. Criticism, done well, serves to learn.
4. Let’s be a little selfish
Yes, it sounds pretty bad as it is said, but being a little selfish is okay if it is to give us mental health. When we do something, before making a decision, we should ask ourselves: who are we doing it for? To what extent does the opinion of others influence what we are doing? Will doing so make us happier? The answers we have to these questions will make us see to what extent our lives depend on what we want others to accept us or if we think about ourselves.
5. Let’s be ourselves
Finally, there is the fundamental advice for all people who are desperate to find other people’s approval: be yourself. Each one has its pros and cons, and this makes us equal to each other. In some things we will be good and in others bad, but that’s life. There will be things that can be improved, but others cannot and it is with the latter that we must pretend.
As curious as it may sound, while the people most eager to find external approval do not find it, those who do not seek it do find it Being yourself will make some people not accept us as we are, but it will bring us closer to those who do value us, people who will only criticize us when we do something bad or see that there is something that can be improved. Be that as it may, stopping worrying about outside opinion and trying to achieve unattainable goals will bring us closer to emotional and psychological well-being.
