The Importance Of Forgiving Yourself

There are people who have little difficulty forgiving people who hurt them, fail them, or harm them. However, of those same people there are many who are ruthless against themselves. They can forgive even their worst enemy, but when it comes to forgiving themselves, they are not capable; are your worst executioner or your worst judge.

Whether as a rule/habit or after a specific moment in your life, learn to forgive yourself and let go of guilt towards oneself, it is essential to be at peace and live happily.

Those who constantly blame themselves and do not forgive themselves for anything are usually very self-demanding, who think that perfection exists and they must reach it. Therefore, every small mistake they make is valued as a big mistake and they punish themselves excessively, having a very good memory of all the times they have made mistakes and telling themselves a detailed internal dialogue about all those mistakes (even if they have already been resolved favorably).

Then there are people who are not normally so unfair to themselves but who have made some mistake that has irreparable consequences I give you the example of a 30-year-old girl whom I will call Lucía who came to therapy because she could not get over the death of her mother. Investigating Lucía’s personal history, her mother had been a person who neglected her and never gave her affection. There was a clear preference for her brother and she was despised sometimes indirectly and other times directly. The point is that she generated such a rejection towards her mother that when she was diagnosed with cancer, Lucía didn’t even flinch. She decided to let her brother and her father take care of everything. She went from time to time to see her at home and at the hospital and she never completely ignored her. However, on the day of her death, Lucía was not sad and she decided not to go to the funeral home or the funeral. After months, a feeling of guilt began to appear that she had not experienced before. He couldn’t forgive himself for not being there in the last few days or for saying goodbye to her because of her anger, which he now saw as foolish.

Lucía’s case is something that I have encountered on several occasions in therapy, not only after the death of someone, but also for having given an education to the children that is not considered adequate, due to a sentimental breakup from which the patient was caused by a emotional infidelity or sexual and that he later regrets because he could not recover, etc. Many people are tormented after having made a mistake that has meant a before and after in the person’s life and they poorly assume responsibility for the risk they took.

How can I learn to forgive myself?

1. Think about the origin of the guilt and analyze it: Why do you feel guilty? Is it something that only depended on you or depended on someone else? Is it a mistake that you have made many times? How and how important is that mistake compared to the rest of the things that you have done? are you doing well? Sometimes we feel guilty about something and we turn over the emotion over and over again without fully understanding the bases and foundations of that discomfort. Maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal and you’re making a world of it.
2. Accept and normalize the error: We all make mistakes and sometimes we make big mistakes. But being aware of the failure helps prevent it from being repeated, so once you are aware of it, beating yourself up over something that has already been done makes no sense. Mistakes are meant to be learned from, not to be cloistered in. The bad thing is not tripping over a stone but getting attached to it, so turn the page, you made a mistake, yes, but like every human being. You won’t be able to avoid the mistake, so learn to live with it.
3. Elaborate that guilt: Generally when guilt appears it is because once everything has happened, the error is very clearly seen. When there is always guilt in my patients, I always ask the same question: If you had a crystal ball, would you have done the same thing? Obviously the answer is no and the next question is: did you have that ball, and if you didn’t, how were you going to foresee the future and its consequences? You acted with the resources and information you had, but you never have all the information because the future is uncertain. Hence the phrase, sometimes you win and sometimes you learn, because mistakes make us learn and equip ourselves with new resources. For example, if you have a cat and you leave the balcony door open with the bad luck that the cat jumps and kills itself, you are going to feel terrible and guilty for having left the door open, and adopting another cat will not free you from the guilt, but that mistake will mean that the next time you have a pet you will pay more attention to the possible dangers you may encounter and therefore, you will have more resources. If you had known that cats jump when they see possible prey without thinking about what is under the fence, it is very likely that you would not have left the door open, but you did not have that information and it is not worth beating yourself up over something that you did not previously know. you knew and now you do.
4. Retry: Turning the page with guilt also means trying something again and letting go of the past. We can no longer change what happened and once the lesson is learned, what remains is to try again. Trying again sometimes means asking for forgiveness and accepting responsibility, so be honest with yourself and take responsibility for your actions and then create new ones.

Why is it important to forgive yourself?

We can say that forgiving oneself is important to avoid becoming stuck with the past and keep experimenting and therefore, living. Think about a simple fact: even a murderer after serving his sentence has the opportunity to start over, get out and be a different person. Why are you going to be less than that murderer? What crime have you committed that cannot be forgiven?

Encarni Muñoz Silva

Health psychologist, registered number 16918