Sometimes there is a feeling of falling into the void when we find out that our partner is a father/mother. Discover how to handle it and what to do to make your relationship work.
The divorces and separations They are increasingly common in our society, which is why it is increasingly common to find yourself starting a relationship with someone who has children. Obviously this scenario makes things difficult, since many doubts About the relationship: Should I continue with the relationship or is it better to break up and not complicate my life? If I continue, how should I act with respect to the children? And with respect to the mother or father?
Let’s say you are a 37-year-old guy who broke up from a 4-year relationship a year ago. You have just met a 35-year-old girl that you really like and you start a romantic relationship, but shortly after she tells you that she has a 3-year-old son. Your first impulse is to break up the relationship, and in fact you try. You tell her that you don’t want anything serious but you continue seeing her and you start to realize that you like this girl more than for a while. Your messages are contradictory, it makes you dizzy because you are also in a mess. You don’t know what to do, whether to break up or venture into a relationship with the complication of a child that is not yours and this girl’s relationship with the child’s father. People tell you that you are still too young to meet other people with simpler lives, and you believe the same but for a strange reason you continue to stay with her. What should you do?
I suppose that scenario I have posed may sound familiar to you. You may have found yourself in a similar situation before. The first thing of all is to think about what what do you feel towards that person beyond the backpack they carry. Do you really like it? If the answer is affirmative, fight against fear and jump into the pool. If not, you may decide to distance yourself from her and Break up the relationship Now, you may like her and still be thinking about stopping seeing her just because she has a child. Before doing so, think about what you stand to lose and consider how to resolve any difficulties that may arise.
Below I give you some guidelines for survival to this situation:
Just because your partner has children does not make you a father Get rid of that fear. If being a father scares you, you don’t have to think that you will necessarily be one now. The child is that woman’s responsibility and not yours and besides, she already has a father. It will only be your responsibility to the extent that you are involved in the child’s life. Nowadays, most custody is shared and that minor will not be with your partner every day. If you don’t want to commit, he meets her when the child is away. If you are not sure what to do in the relationship, it is better not to involve the minor. Tell your partner and avoid making the children dizzy with couples coming and going.
Provoke the introduction with the minor once you are sure of the relationship If the relationship is stable and you really want to be with that girl, the time comes to get to know the people who are part of her life. And in the same way that you know your friends and extended family, you also need to know your created family. Therefore, knowing your child will be a necessary aspect. Act naturally and don’t let this presentation happen suddenly. It is good that first the mother talks about you to her son and that the first meeting is somewhat brief so that he does not feel intimidated.
Talk to your partner about the role you have to assume with the minor Especially if you start living together with your partner, it is likely that there will be a need to implement your rules and that will necessarily involve issues with the child. In these circumstances, it is important that the minor does not feel that an attempt is being made to impersonate his or her father. Anything you don’t agree with, tell your partner, but without the child being present. You and she reach agreements, but let her be the spokesperson for those agreements, since otherwise you may find yourself with “pearls” like: “You keep quiet, you’re not my father” or “if I don’t listen to my father, I won’t tell you.” I’m going to do to you.”
If your partner delegates parental responsibilities to you, explain that it is not your role It may not come out of you but she begins to delegate tasks to you that the child’s father previously did. This can not only cause the minor to reject you, but the child’s father can oppose it and conflicts arise in which you surely do not want to be the protagonist. Remind your partner that it is she who must talk to the father of her child and establish agreements between the two.
The relationship takes time, be patient Rome was not built in a day. What may seem impossible at first will gradually become easier. At first the relationship with your partner and the minor can be difficult but with time, patience and being yourself you will be able to adapt and for them to adapt to you. It must be taken into account that the younger the child is, the easier the adaptation is, while if the child is close to adolescence or is a teenager, this adaptation will probably be more difficult and require more time.
Try to have spaces for the couple In all this mess it is good to leave exclusive space and time for the couple’s relationship. If custody is shared it will surely be easier, since one week you will be “free” of children and you will be able to dedicate the time you have to the relationship. However, it is important to dedicate a certain space to that area, whether you have shared or exclusive custody, since otherwise you may end up feeling more like a roommate than a couple.
Now you know what to do to be able to have a relationship when it is a mother or father. And remember, Who does not risk does not win. It is better to regret what you have tried than what you have not tried
