I believe that all of us, at various times in our lives, have felt the weight of the implicit and explicit beliefs of our society and culture, which are expanded and transmitted through different media, advertising, and are reinforced in the home, at work, in institutions and in day-to-day interactions. One of them is the idea that we are worth according to certain characteristics that we possess, for what we do and have.
When you think this way it is difficult to love and appreciate yourself unconditionally and even more difficult to face temporary defeats, losses and bad times. Our sense of worth becomes dependent on external factors and varies according to them, which affects our self-esteem. Cultivating healthy self-esteem is a continuous work which requires us to rethink our beliefs, give ourselves love and allow ourselves to grow and that is worth it as it is central to our physical and mental well-being.
What is self-esteem?
Glenn Schiraldi, author of several articles and books on mental and physical health, defines self-esteem as “a realistic and appreciative opinion of oneself.” It is valuing yourself accurately and honestly, loving yourself, caring for yourself and liking yourself.
It is having a healthy pride; respect each other, feeling worthy and grateful for one’s own achievements, talents, services or membership in a family or ethnic group, etc. It is also having a healthy humility; believe that all people are equally valuable, appreciate your successes and failures, and recognize how much you still have to learn.
The author explains that healthy self-esteem is different from self-destructive shame and self-defeating pride. In self-destructive shame or humility, people have a negative opinion of themselves that is inaccurate and unrealistic. They believe that they are inferior to others, they experience feelings of shame and disgust. They tend toward submission and lack self-respect.
On the other hand, people with counterproductive pride believe that they are superior and more important than others. They try to impress others and experience an excessive need and desire to be admired. They behave in an arrogant, conceited and narcissistic manner. These two extremes are rooted in insecurity and fear.
How to cultivate self-esteem
Schiraldi describes three important foundations for building self-esteem; worth, unconditional love and growth, being essential to develop the first two secure bases, in order to focus on growth.
1. Unconditional value
This first foundation to build a healthy self-esteem, invites us to recognize the unconditional and inherent value of human beings. Something perhaps difficult for some people to assimilate, given the bombardment of information that associates a person’s worth with their appearance, intelligence, popularity, etc.
Unconditional human value is described by five axioms developed by Dr. Claudia A. Howard (1992):
Let go of the idea of conditional worth
Schiraldi explains that “we are important and valuable as people because our spiritual and essential being is unique, precious, good, and of infinite, eternal and unalterable value.”
It describes that, like a newborn baby, our inner self is fundamentally good and whole, and full of potential. However, over time the inner Self becomes surrounded by external elements (criticism, abuse, negative actions and thought patterns) that can hide or make it difficult to see and experience our value, while others (love, expressing our talents, helping others) help us see and feel it more easily. These external factors change the way our worth is experienced but not the value itself.
Understand that our value is unconditional frees us from that constant search for approval. There is no need to do things to prove our worth, there is no need to be like someone else to gain value. Likewise, we can better face adversity and life changes, since we understand that our worth does not come into play due to mistakes, rejections or bad situations and experiences. It is one thing to feel bad about events and behaviors and another to feel bad or ashamed of the inner self.
In the same way we begin to recognize the inherent value in others. It is not necessary to promote violence, separation and inequality due to differences in race, gender, religion, economic status, etc. Competition that goes over others, envy or hatred is not justified if we can understand this simple truth that we are all worth the same as people.
2. Unconditional love
Schiraldi describes love as a feeling and an attitude in which we want the best for ourselves and others. It is a decision and commitment that is made every day and a skill that can be learned and cultivated through practice. Love does not define us, nor does it provide us with worth, But it does help us recognize, experience and appreciate it more easily. We all need to feel loved, respected, accepted and valuable. If we have not received this love from others, it is important that we ourselves take responsibility for giving it to ourselves unconditionally, since love heals and is the foundation for growth.
One way to cultivate love is through the practice of self-compassion. Kristin Neff, researcher and professor at the University of Texas, talks about three components that help us do this. Briefly described, the first is to be kind and understanding with ourselves, rather than critical, when we suffer, fail, or make mistakes. The next component involves recognizing our common humanity. It is remembering that we are interconnected and that we all share experiences of imperfection, make mistakes and have difficulties.
Finally, The third component is mindfulness. The willingness to clearly observe our internal experiences (thoughts, emotions) as they are in the present moment. Without exaggerating, ignoring or judging them, to be able to respond and face reality in a compassionate and effective way.
3. Growth
This component then focuses on develop physical, mental, social and emotional potential that exists in us and also to share it with others.
Shiraldi explains that growth is a continuous process that requires effort, help and that is never completely finished, but that it is satisfying because it arises from the secure foundations of worth, love and a feeling of calm, rather than of desire If these foundations are absent, successes and achievements will rarely lead to healthy self-esteem.
Likewise, developing our capabilities does not increase or change our value, because we are born with it. Rather, as we grow we see our essential self more clearly, we are expressing our value, we change our perceptions of ourselves, and we experience who we are with more joy and satisfaction.
Growing is about choosing to act in integrity with our values, eliminate behaviors that do not do us good and enjoy the process without fearing failure and worrying excessively about the results. Each person has their own path and goes at their own pace. Self-esteem, then, is a combination of self-acceptance (worth and love) and growth.
References:
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PsychologyFor. (2024). Cultivate Self-esteem: 3 Keys to Achieve it. https://psychologyfor.com/cultivate-self-esteem-3-keys-to-achieve-it/