Emotional Invalidation: What It Is, Types, How It Affects Us, And Examples
It is very likely that we have all heard phrases like “what worries you is nothing”, “you are drowning in a glass of water”, “I don’t know why you worry so much about things that are not so important”, “you are a melodramatic, you take everything very personally” and other phrases like that, in addition to not helping someone who may need it, what you are doing is invalidating their emotions.
Emotional invalidation occurs in those acts of daily life in which other people’s emotions are rejected or downplayed, and can be provoked in oneself when one tries to deny or avoid certain emotions that one is feeling at certain times.
In this article we will briefly explain what emotional invalidation consists of and what are some of the most common situations in which it usually occurs in people’s lives, as well as its influence on the factors that favor the development of borderline personality disorder.
Emotional invalidation is made up of those lived experiences in which other people have denied one’s own feelings or avoidance or rejection by others, being an experience that, unfortunately, most people have suffered at some point or even on numerous occasions throughout their lives, and it may have been the case that others People have acted incorrectly without intending to do so, whether due to a mistake or lack of knowledge of the correct way to act in a given situation.
Be that as it may, it is worth taking into account some of the most common forms of emotional invalidation towards other people in order to become aware and prevent them from occurring again due to the harm they could cause to other people.
Different types of emotional invalidation
Below we will explain what some of the most common forms of emotional invalidation consist of.
1. Downplaying something that worries someone else
A very common form of emotional invalidation is the one that occurs in situations in which we have told someone that we are sad for some reason and instead of trying to put themselves in our place, He just tells us “that’s nothing, you shouldn’t worry about it.” or “everything worries you, you drown in a glass of water” and similar phrases that come to mind for all of us.
In turn, most of us have said them at some point to other people, perhaps because we were not in the mood at that moment or because it did not seem so relevant to us. And, although we probably did not do it with bad intentions, it is important to keep in mind that each person lives things and sees them differently from others, and that is why we should respect them and not judge whether they do so. We consider that what worries them is serious or not, but we should simply show that person our support when they tell us something that worries them, making them feel heard and understood.
2. Emotional repression
There are times when it is not others who cause the invalidation, but rather it is oneself who is invalidating on an emotional level. This happens when we feel bad and try to hide our discomfort with the aim of trying to make sure that the people around us do not realize that we are not having a good time, perhaps because we are ashamed of feeling judged or for any other reason.
The reality is that when one represses one’s emotions, it is most likely that one will end up “exploding” in such a way that the release is more harmful than if at first we had expressed said emotion and had sought help, either from someone close to us. that we can trust or from a mental health professional.
In some cases, emotional invalidation such as the repression of our emotions could have a negative impact on various areas of our lives and also could cause us symptoms of stress and anxiety
3. Judge emotions
One form of emotional invalidation is what occurs when you judge another person’s emotions, through actions such as telling them that they are someone who is too sensitive. And this, in addition to not helping the other person, It could facilitate the increase of their discomfort by not feeling understood or supported
In this case, something similar happens to the cases in which the concerns of others are downplayed, and the same advice should be followed, which is that we should try to empathize with that person and accept that because we do not find what is serious That person is worried doesn’t mean they should stop feeling that way because of it.
If we try to put ourselves in their shoes, perhaps we could understand that they have enough reasons to worry or, at least, even if we cannot fully understand their reasons for being that way, simply showing our support and showing that we are there, perhaps it will be enough and what you really need that person.
4. Believing that what happens to oneself is more serious than what happens to others
Another very common emotional invalidation that occurs in everyday life is that which occurs when a person tells a friend or family member that they are having a hard time due to certain circumstances and the other person responds “That’s nothing, if I tell you what I’m experiencing right now…” or phrases like this “it could be worse, if you knew what I’ve been through.”
These ways of responding to someone who goes to another person because they are going through it, not only will not help them feel better, but could cause just the opposite and make them feel that what is happening to them is not really important, when in reality reality for that person if they are and that is what must be taken into account.
You may be interested: “What is guilt and how can we manage this feeling?”
Strategies to avoid emotional invalidation
Some Guidelines to avoid emotional invalidation of other people they would be the following:
Don’t judge what another person feels.
Listen carefully to what they say and put yourself in their shoes to understand how they feel.
On certain occasions, the best resource might be to give that person a hug.
Tell the other person that they can tell us how they feel and that we are there.
Show understanding to the other person when they tell us how they feel and are having a hard time.
Don’t downplay what worries someone else.
Do not compare what happens to yourself with what the other person is going through.
Other guidelines for avoid emotional invalidation of oneself are the following:
Learn to listen to yourself to understand the emotions you are feeling.
Do not repress emotions.
Avoid escape routes to avoid our emotions.
Give yourself a break and don’t force yourself to recover prematurely when you are having a bad time.
Vent when necessary and in front of people you can trust.
We consider seeking the help of a psychologist necessary because we feel overwhelmed.
Influence of emotional invalidation in borderline personality disorder (BPD)
There are studies that indicate that the development of a borderline personality disorder (BPD) occurs due to an interrelation between social and genetic influences, with a determining role being played by genes or heredity. For example, in studies with single or monozygotic twins, it was found that when one of them was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, the other had a 55% chance of developing the same disorder.
Besides, when situations of violence or abandonment had been experienced at an early age, this was also a factor favoring the development of borderline personality disorder. Likewise, there are studies that found that 60% of the patients in the sample who had been diagnosed with BPD had suffered sexual abuse during their childhood.
The fact that having suffered trauma during childhood has determined the subsequent development of BPD, without other favorable factors being found, continues to be an object of debate and research.
Professionals representing dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), designed as a psychological treatment for borderline personality disorder, maintain that Negative social influences in childhood are extremely harmful to that person’s emotional regulation which favors the subsequent development of BPD.
In this sense, the emotional invalidation of a child, being despised and/or ridiculed by his parents, plays a relevant role, for example, when the child cries because he has hurt himself and his mother tells him: “Don’t act stupid.” “It’s not hurting you at all, so don’t be exaggerated.”
The maximum emotional invalidation or contempt would be that which children who have suffered sexual abuse experience, and it is in this type of case that Their feelings and emotions have been deeply despised, dishonored and outraged, being a major factor in the possible subsequent development of BPD
In short, studies so far have not found a univocal determinant in the development of a borderline personality disorder, but they have been able to discover a series of negative factors experienced during childhood that have a very important influence on the possible development of this disorder. disorder in later years (for example, emotional invalidation taken to the extreme, having suffered sexual abuse, having experienced a traumatic situation and the role of genes, among others).
