How to Build Self-Esteem in Introverted People

Living with a self-esteem that works for us is one of the most basic needs of human beings. Thanks to self-esteem we can live with well-being and build positive relationships. At the same time, human beings are diverse and many people tend toward introversion. How is self-esteem related to introversion?

It is common for people to think that introverts have difficulties with self-esteem or that even having self-esteem problems leads us to introversion or isolation. In fact, there is a famous “emotion wheel” on the internet where introversion is related to unpleasant emotions (I can tell you that this wheel does not make any sense nor is it based on any evidence). These ideas are myths and they affect people in a very common way.

Many people come to consultation seeking to overcome certain fears and insecurities focused on their relationships. They feel uncomfortable in large groups or have difficulty speaking in meetings. It is also common for new people to cause some discomfort. Is this really a self-esteem problem? What do we need to solve?

If you feel that this is happening to you, in this article we are going to resolve all these doubts. In these processes, people discover that His problem was not introversion, but his way of accepting himself and adapting to his own needs Because neither self-esteem nor introversion are what we think they are.

What I am going to tell you is based on my direct experience in consultation. You can see my work at Human Empowerment.

Self-esteem: what is it really?

Self-esteem is one of the words that we mention the most and that matters most to us. However, we make a very common mistake when it comes to understanding what self-esteem really is.

We tend to think that self-esteem is high or low, that we can win or lose it. In fact, it is often said that they can “take it away” from us. This is equivalent to seeing your self-esteem as a fragile object that can be lost.

Self-esteem is not an object, but a way of behaving. It is an emotional relationship with you through which a relationship with the world and others flows

Therefore, self-esteem cannot be high or low (I usually say that this is a mistake that psychologists have made when talking about it) but rather it works for you or not in relation to what is the origin of your well-being: if you (from your actions, your routine, your decisions) or from external factors that you cannot control (comparing yourself, demanding, expecting to be valued, etc.).

I’m going to leave you a video where I tell you in a more intimate way what the relationship is between self-esteem and introversion. The article continues below.

Introversion: a way of being and feeling the world

On the other hand, introversion is not shyness or lack of socialization. Human beings are social beings and building bonds is a common need Introversion is actually a way of processing information. While extraverted people process many stimuli at once but in a more superficial way (which is why they enjoy being in stimulating places or being in a group), introverted people process fewer stimuli but in a more deep and analytical way.

What does this leave us? To need more time alone, to enjoy less stimulating spaces more and to be more precise with our decisions when socializing. An extraverted person is more dynamic, while an introverted person tends more towards depth and detail (in the video I explain the reasons for this difference in human beings with more data).

Relationship of self-esteem with introversion

How then is self-esteem related to introversion?

Due to the lack of self-knowledge and especially due to social pressure, Many introverts feel the need to force themselves to socialize more or intervene more in public confusing his introversion with fear and insecurity.

In addition to forcing themselves to pretend to be more extroverted people, it is about masking their own personality and they do not establish limits for fear of the response of others.

Finally, they consider that they “don’t have” self-esteem because they feel more exhausted in more stimulating environments. What does this leave us? To a comparison system that causes discomfort and, over time, discouragement

The problem is actually one of personal acceptance.

Keys to building functional self-esteem

Building a functional self-esteem that is stable over time in this case requires three keys and learnings that the person faces to achieve the change they need.

Self-knowledge: to generate acceptance

Knowing ourselves helps us discover what we really need (beyond what we think we need). Accepting our way of being and feeling the world leads you to make decisions that are in favor of your well-being, establishing the limits you need and look for the contexts that most help you feel good

Assertive communication to set clear limits

Communicating assertively helps you not only set clear limits, but also get to know yourself and build more honest relationships. This is actually the essential communication of human beings. When people who have this difficulty live their process, they end up accepting their introversion, adapting to it and knowing exactly what they need, the degree of socialization that makes them happy, etc.

emotional management

Behind these difficulties there is fear and insecurity, but it is related to the lack of acceptance. It’s actually a fear of not fitting in By learning to manage these emotions (always with concrete actions that lead you to change what happens to you) we can make them less intense, frequent and lasting, and over time more acceptance and trust are generated.