How to Live with Your In-laws?

Mothers-in-law are the big “haters” of men and women in couples, and they have given rise to countless jokes and pranks over the years. However, the tension and discomfort that family problems bring as a result of a bad relationship with in-laws is something to take seriously. In fact, many women report strain in their relationship with their mother-in-law, a conflict that is associated with greater marital dissatisfaction, according to experts such as Rittenour and Koenig Kellas. Why are relationships with our in-laws often complicated? Are they destined to put stones in our path? Can we do something about it? In this PsychologyFor article: Living with the in-laws we tell you.

Consequences of living with in-law

Few people would add the presence of their in-laws when they imagine life as a couple. However, due to various life circumstances, moving in with the in-laws could be the only alternative you and your partner have at that moment. Maybe you are going through financial problems and your in-laws have reached out to you. On the contrary, it may be that the in-laws, especially in advanced age, require more assistance, and you are the ones who have offered to help. Whatever the reasons, living with your in-laws or one of them can be complicated and could have some effects on the couple. The consequences of living with the in-laws:

• Pressure to have children or in the case of having them, intrusion in their way of upbringing.
• Belief on the part of the in-laws that no one is good enough for their son or daughter and, therefore, conflict, discomfort or disagreement with him or her.
• Pressure to adopt certain religious or cultural norms.
• Imposition of an authoritarian style, based on strict rules, because they still see the child as a child, and therefore, treat him as such. By extension, also your partner.
• Disagreements regarding money, who contributes and how much, how to distribute it. In the event that a loan is needed, regarding its return.

I don’t want to live with my mother-in-law

If you don’t want to live with your mother-in-law, Don’t blame yourself or be horrified by it It is a common complaint, as mothers-in-law are often perceived as intrusive and controlling. This is true in some cases, as they may have trouble dealing with “empty nest syndrome” or simply not approve of their child’s partner. In other cases, they feel alone, either because they are widowed or because their husband does not pay attention to them or does not share their same emotional needs. However, there are many beliefs, sometimes erroneous, in society about them, and on many occasions, they are judged beforehand without having been given a chance.

If this is your case, try to remember that It’s about your partner’s mother, so it is worth looking at the situation from another perspective: is living with your mother-in-law really as bad as you think? Have you known her long enough to firmly establish that she is a negative person? Is it possible that you are being guided by some preconceived ideas? You can try know her without prejudice Perhaps, behind her authoritarian appearance lies a wonderful woman to meet.

In case you already know her and have had certain disagreements or some of her actions have displeased you, it is important to understand that people are imperfect and make mistakes. To live together it is necessary to learn to forgive.

My mother-in-law wants to live with us, what do I do?

If, due to any of the circumstances mentioned above, you have to live with your mother-in-law, remember that people have a very high capacity to adapt to new circumstances, and even to a complicated situation, such as a priori, it could be living with your partner’s mother. In order for you to learn to get along better with your mother-in-law, at PsychologyFor we suggest 8 tips that can help you if you have to live with her:

1. have a conversation before cohabitation begins. It is necessary to establish limits, in which each person in the family unit knows what their role is, what is allowed and what is not. Making it clear how the home organization and parenting will be is essential to avoid possible interference, which will later be more difficult to amend.
2. Put yourself in their place By adopting an empathetic stance, you may be able to appreciate that the bad relationship with your mother-in-law could be more due to a rift with her son than something personal against you.
3. Reflect on your responsibility Ask yourself what role you are playing in the situation. There are times when a person has done nothing to cause the relationship with the mother-in-law to become tense. However, there may also be situations in which you are doing or not doing something that is causing your mother-in-law to be upset. Think again about how you acted and honestly ask yourself if a third person outside the situation could find fault. Are you a total victim in this situation? Do you do or say things that might prompt a negative response? If so, consider how you can change the way you are handling or reacting to the situation.
4. Communicate with your partner first Remember that you are a team, and if your partner feels that you don’t trust him in the first place, the relationship may suffer.
5. Look for intimate spaces with your partner With the mother-in-law at home it may seem difficult to find privacy, but it is not impossible.
6. Don’t start arguing in any fight. Sometimes it’s a sign of maturity to let an unfortunate comment slide. If you can’t let it go, communicate assertively, stating your rights while respecting theirs. In the following article you will find how to resolve a conflict assertively.
7. Try to develop a bond with your mother-in-law: be interested in her opinion on a news story, ask her about her son when he was little, share a hobby, take a walk together, include her in family activities.
8. Finally, remember that you don’t need anyone’s approval to live your life the way you want. Don’t go crazy trying to get approval from your mother-in-law. Not caring what others think of you could be a source of personal empowerment and liberation.

In the following article you will find more keys to living in harmony.

Advantages and disadvantages of living with in-law

Both advantages and disadvantages can be derived from living with in-laws. Thus, it is important to know them in advance to be aware of what could await us and to be able to find a solution. Below we list some of the main advantages and disadvantages of living with in-laws:

Advantages of living with in-laws

• Economic improvement: If you are the ones who move to their home, it could mean that you do not have to pay rent or mortgage.
• Domestic help: They can help you with childcare and some household tasks.
• Children enjoy grandparents: A direct consequence of the above is that children can spend more time with their grandparents, which is enriching for them.
• Best family relationship: You can discover that they are not as bad as they are usually attributed, and establish a bond with them, which in turn would have a positive impact on your marital relationship, since for your partner it could be very important that you have a good relationship with their parents.

Disadvantages of living with in-laws

• It can affect privacy: It is more difficult for the couple to have privacy and moments of intimacy when they live with the in-laws.
• Conflicts derived from the in-laws’ attempts to impose rules and regulations.
• Possible loss of autonomy and independence of the couple.
• Intrusions could occur in the education of children.

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to How to live with your in-laws? we recommend that you enter our Couples Therapy category.

Bibliography

• Pines, A. (2013). Couple burnout: Causes and cures. Routledge.
• Rojas de González, N. (1985). Couple and family conflicts: a new therapeutic approach. 2nd ed. Bogotá: Pontifical Javeriana University; .
• Rittenour, C.E., Colaner, C.W., & Odenweller, K.G. (2014). Mothers’ identities and gender socialization of daughters. Southern Communication Journal, 79(3), 215-234.